Tonsils....

Before getting in the car and heading to the hospital.  Mia was apparently being attacked by my hair.

Tony and I were in the waiting room.  Anxiously, but not anxiously.  Tense, but not tense.  Waiting to hear when Mia would be out of surgery.  I was reading a book, Tony watching a movie on his phone.

The doctor surprised us.  It couldn't have been 30 minutes from when we sat down in the waiting room.  And the doctor was in front of us.  Mia was fine.  She did great.  Her tonsils were out.  Her adenoids were enlarged as well.  They were covering 80% of her nose.  They had been taken out as well.  Did we have any questions?

No.  No questions.  I had to fight back tears though.  I was relieved.  The surgery was over and we could go back in and see her in a few minutes.  The adenoids and tonsils were out.  Which means that my little would be able to breathe, normally, for the first time in her life.

Excited!

I remember when she was first born and I worried about her breathing.  Every little sniffle, every place we went, every snore.  Every time she stopped breathing.  Sleep apnea in a baby is not fun for the mom.  I have been worrying about this kids' breathing since she was teeny.  

So, yeah, relieved is how I felt.

Rockin' her surgery gown.

I went in to see her as she was coming out from under the anesthetic.  She was crying and out of it.  I was asked to lay down with her on her bed, and I happily obliged.  As she calmed down, she fell asleep.  I listened to her breathe.  Freely, no snoring, no stopping of breath.

Relief.

Mia took this picture, while we were waiting.

She did so great too.  At the hospital, making the nurses smile, asking about what flavor of Popsicles would be available after the surgery.  Laughing and waving her arms as she got a 'ride' (when they wheeled the bed down the hallway).  She was even excited that I got to 'ride' too, after the surgery.

Afterwards, heading out, with her red popsicle mouth.

She's doing well.  She's eating today, much more than she has been eating.  She's taking her ibuprofen and acetaminophen when she needs them.  But, she's also sleeping.  Talking clearer than ever.  And breathing.

Cards from her daycare/summer camp.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that....

I miss you guys.  

Seriously.

I MISS YOU.

I've been overwhelmed lately.  So.Much.To.Do.

It's spring time (obviously) and school is winding down and we've had swim lessons, soccer, dance, girl scouts, vacation planning, dentist appointments, doctor appointments, vet appointments, dog grooming, normal errands and we made it to the library.

Sporting the full spaniel 'fro on the way to get clipped.

The library is my Mecca.  When I walk into the library, hear the quiet, smell the books, I'm in my favorite place.  I love the library.  We've been trying to get there at least every 3 weeks so that we can turn in finished books and check out new ones. 

So yeah.  Not writing so much, but reading a whole lot.

What have we been doing?  Well, we found a graveyard.  An old poor farm graveyard.  Stones with no names, just numbers.

We've been working on the house.  The playroom is no longer.  It is now in transition to be an office.  We've run electricity to the ceiling and put in a light fixture as well as having sanded and filled all the holes.  The trim is off.  The primer is ready.  This summer ya'll.  It'll be finished this summer.

In conjunction, we've also been shopping/pricing new floors.  We have to replace the carpet in the office and really in the whole house.  We've talked about re-carpeting, putting in hardwood, or ceramic tile.  We're still getting estimates.  But, hopefully, this summer we'll have new carpeting.

My Home Depot Helpers

We've put up screen doors.  We've been in our house for 8+ years, and now have a screen door on the garage entrance and ordered a storm/screen door for the front entrance (today!).

We had Kindergarten Mother's Day Tea.  Mia and I got to spend some time together, just her and I.

We've been slowly de-cluttering the house and stocking up Goodwill.

Mia is playing soccer, her first season.  I think she likes it.

Mia is Orange #6

We've been hanging out, bike riding, eating ice cream, enjoying the weather when we can.

I hope you are having a good spring too!

My life...

I'm sitting on my couch, looking around at my living room this morning.  I see the laundry piles waiting to get cleaned while the spinning sounds of my washing machine are drowning out the Foo Fighters on my iPod.  I see a coffee table filled with crayons, markers, two journals, two mini coloring books, a partially colored coloring sheet.  There is a coaster sprawled in that mess, along with paperwork from a doctor's visit detailing out surgery directives.  There is a tin holding more coloring implements, a plastic sandwich bag, open with random markers of different shapes and sizes.  One of the coloring books is open to a picture of a pony, with multi-colored hair and a forgotten crayon laying on top.  

On my couch, where the pillows are all askew, there lays a dog purse, upside down with legs in the air, waiting for a little girl to get home and put it on her shoulder, and walk around like a big girl.  This purse is next to a throw blanket, balled up in the corner of the couch, waiting for someone else to sit, and cover themselves, warming up from the frozen winter outside while watching a little TV, or reading a book.

The doors to my entertainment center are open, at least one door is, proudly displaying the disarray of video game systems and game controllers, blu-ray player and cable box.  Some dvd's lay sadly, waiting for some organized person to pick them up and find the box they belong in and put them away so that they stop gathering dust.  I look into the shelves and see the Guitar Hero guitar and wonder how long until we have to give that away too.  And really - what are all those cords and wires really for?

Looking at my floor, there are two socks, not matching, but clearly worn and discarded by some child that can't seem to figure out that the living room is not her dirty sock receptacle.  Then, some little pink bits catch my eye.  What is that?  Play doh bits, dried up on my carpet.  Right next to the gum that some six year old dropped onto the carpet and now is a permanent fixture.  On the stairs, more laundry that needs to get sorted to it's special load so it can get washed.  A dog bed, that needs to be cleaned again, even though we just washed it a week ago.  And that crazy dog keeps trying to get me to let him out, just so he can go bark at the neighbors dogs behind the fence.

I reach for my coffee, look out the window, enjoying the sunlight and quiet before I have to get up and go again.  

Sisters...

You guys.  I found this when I opened up my computer.  It's a school assignment for Olivia.  The assignment was to list 4 things that happened to you in 2008, pick one and write about it.  I hadn't read this yet, but knew she was writing it.  

Seriously - my heart just filled when I read it, so I had to share.

One thing that happened to me in 2008!

By Olivia Lapinskas

In 2008 I was 4 years old. At  that time of  year my mom had a baby. It was a girl so that meant I got a baby sister! Her name was Mia. When Mia came home I got to hold her. She is a really good sister. She is fun, awesome, and hilarious. Now she got older and I and Mia are kind of best friends . And that’s one thing that happened to me in 2008! 

Cupcakes, sprinklers, summer and (shudder) lice - project 365...

What a busy week!  And time is flying....

Summer is drawing closer to fall (thank you polar vortex), and we are filling our weeks with as much fun as we can.

Thursday, July 10:

Um..really...there are no words.  The girls were out in front, playing with the sprinkler.  I took my phone over to grab a few pics, and they were, uh, in a mood.  I didn't even have to ask for these awesomely nutty poses.

I'm kinda afraid she's a zombie and is going to eat my brain.

This one tried to attack me through the door.  Scary, right?

Friday, July 11:

After our company picnic, I picked up the girls and we got home where we had a very excited dog.  So, we took him outside to play for a bit.  He seems to be happy to be petted under the chin.  Also, he has a good case of 'bat-dog' goin' on.

A little later that night, after Olivia complained of her head itching, Tony grabbed the flashlight and took her to the bathroom for some head-checking.  Below is what he found.  Neither of us knew what it was.  We had to Google it.  Then, I had to go buy the shampoo to kill it and the combs for the eggs.  There weren't too many bugs (thank God), but lots of eggs.  And she has ridiculously thick long hair.  It was a long night.

Saturday, July 12:

After not sleeping real well the night before (see - lice, phantom itching, shudder), I was very happy with my mid-day snack of fruit salad.  Although, pitting these cherries made my hands look like I was butchering something a little more living than fruit.

P.s. Happy Birthday Mom!

Sunday, July 13:

Once again, no sleep for mommy.  Dog problems, kid problems, awake mommy until about 4 am.  Ugh.  The kids were harassing me while I was still in bed late Sunday morning.

But a little later on, I made cupcakes and the girls decorated.  They picked out their frosting colors.

Monday, July 14:

I got to go for a run, at work.  It'd been about 2 weeks since I'd run at work, and this felt good.

Tuesday, July 15:

I had to pick Rosanna Rosannadanna up from camp today because they found eggs in her hair.  Seriously?  We've been going through her hair daily, and somehow find more.  No bugs.  Just eggs.  Dead eggs.  I started cutting the hairs off her head today.

Later on, as I lay on the floor trying to get Tony to rub a knot out of my hamstring, this one decided it was time to jump on mommy. I...couldn't....breathe.  She thought it was funny.

Even later, we went to the new grocery store that opened up near us.  Yes, not only were my kids being obnoxious, I was enjoying that they were getting along and even took pictures of that behavior.  Yes, I was THAT mom tonight.

Wednesday, July 16:

My cat has a serious case of bitchy resting face.

Yep.

Landscapes of emotion....

I've been posting a whole lot of pictures lately.  On Instagram (I could probably post more), on Facebook, and especially on here.  I've really been overwhelming you with the visuals, from Project 365 and our vacation pictures.

Well, I've been wanting to write more.  But, I spent most of the first part of the year spiralling into a shame cycle, depression, or just general funk.  It's whatever you want to call it.

Let's just say that the Holiday's were stressful for me.  We had family at our house, even had Christmas Dinner at our house.  All this conspires to really stress me out.  But, you'd think, that after all that was over, I'd start to feel better.  

I didn't.

I actually got sick.  Tried to focus on my goals for the year.  Was running as much as I could.  But, I had been fighting a plateau with my weight loss for close to a year now.  I have also been trying to figure out my own emotions within some of my relationships.  I have been emotionally knotted about this for quite some time, and really, that's all I'll say about that on this blog.  It's not really something that is for public consumption.  I only mention it because of how it weighs on me, and is something I continue every day to work through.  On top of all of this, we had this horrible, awful, long, cold, snowy winter.  If you know me, you know how much I hate the cold and the snow and the short days.  And I got sick again.

I was tired.  I was angry.  I was fed up.  I was frustrated.

All of this conspired to push me into what I call a shame cycle.  Why a shame cycle?  Because I started to feel ashamed.  Ashamed of the decisions I was making.  Ashamed of the exercise I could no longer do. Ashamed that my weight started to go up.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I was hiding inside myself.  I wouldn't go to WW meetings.  I got more than one post card about being missed.

But then, I made it a point to go to a meeting.  A meeting where I was able to open up, a little about the frustrations I was having.  And I started to feel better.  And then the weather started to change, and daylight savings happened, and the snow melted, and the grass has turned to green again.  And I am feeling better.  So much so that I wanted to talk about the last three months.

I really felt alone the last few months.  Mostly, I withdrew inside myself, but it was lonely.  I could no longer exercise.  Why?  I really don't know.  All I can tell you is that my body no longer agreed to running, or walking.  My body only wanted to sit.  And my mind was not able to argue and convince my body to keep going.  I would try almost every day.  I would put on my clothes, and I would push myself to a treadmill, and I would get on it.  Some days, I could run a mile before I had to stop.  Other days, I wouldn't even be able to finish my 10 minute warm up walk.  Exercise had become my outlet. I set myself a goal to run 500 miles this year.  And now, my body had decided that this no longer mattered.  Without the exercise that I had been getting, my sleep cycles started to go off.  Now, I was no longer sleeping well.  And my eating became worse.  I wasn't watching as well as I should, and keeping track of what I was eating, and I was not making good eating decisions.  All of this conspired to make me feel ashamed.  And it didn't stop there.  I think my family felt this from me too.  This pulling into myself.  I know that for a long time Olivia has thought that I like Mia better than her.  This is mostly because Olivia and I are very much alike.  Both of us are independent.  Neither are cuddlers.  We are not always comfortable with showing our affection.  But, Mia is not like that.  Mia demands affection.  Mia has to sit on laps, and kiss and hug and tell you how much she loves you.  I started to feel guilty every time I would respond to Mia's affection, because I could see that Olivia was wondering why she didn't get the same affection.  And I could see the resentment.  I started pushing Mia away more so that I wouldn't feel guilty when Olivia would look at us with all the emotion behind her eyes.

And then, one day, literally, when I talked about my frustrations, I started to feel better, little bits, every day.  I really got to the point that I could no longer hold it in.  The shame.  The confusion.  The need to ask for someone to help me figure out what was in my head and why I couldn't seem to get past it. I talked about it one day.  Then I talked about it more and more and the more I talked about it, the less ashamed I felt.

I see my life as an opportunity  to learn.  Here is what I have learned over the past few months, about myself.

1. I read something on Facebook that said that when you hug a child, let them be the one to break the embrace.  This way, they feel more secure in your affection.  I decided to try this out.  I made it a point to push past the uncomfortableness of being affectionate with Olivia.  I made it a point to reach out to her, and hug her, and kiss her and tell her how much I love her.  Has it changed anything?  Well, she's still as Olivia as ever.  But, I see more confidence in her.  I see less resentment towards Mia, but more competition.  I see her being a bit more free with her affection too, like I'm not the only one who's trying.

2.  I decided to listen to my body more.  I decided that I wouldn't beat myself up because my body was tired.  Or hungry.  I decided that I would give myself more daily points on WW, this way I wouldn't feel guilty about dipping into the extra weekly points.  And I decided to change up when I would eat, making it a point to eat about 30 minutes before a workout.  I'm not eating a full meal, but I'll have a Greek yogurt to help fuel my workout and ensure that I'm not hungry when I workout.  The benefits?  Well, I've lost the extra weight I had put on, which means I'm back to my plateau.  But, I've also started to run again.  And this past week, I got about 8 miles in.  Which is AWESOME compared to the 1 or less that I had been getting in.  I have less than 80 miles under my belt for the year, which means I most likely won't make my 500 mile goal.  That's OK.  Because, no matter what, as long as I'm running, I'm doing something good for me.  And, I'm tracking my miles to see just how many I get done this year.  Also, the good thing about letting go of this need to exercise, this compulsion, is that I'm able to go out with Olivia and help her start to train herself into better shape.  Now I'm able to let go of what I want from a workout and know that the point is that I get to be with Olivia, sharing something that I like with her, knowing that she's getting some activity in.  While I may not get the 3 miles I wanted, I'm still getting some activity and I'm not sitting on my couch.

3.  I learned that every year after Christmas and until daylight savings is a hard time of year for me.  I get seasonally depressed with little to look forward to during these months.  But, amazingly enough, every year, the time passes and Spring comes along and I am caught by the beauty of the changing world again.  Knowing this gives me a chance to prepare for next year.  If I know that those three months are going to be difficult, I can start to figure out other ways to deal with the emotions and heaviness of those months.  Hopefully in much more productive ways that make me feel good about myself and can keep me from becoming Hermit Tara.

I'm still really frustrated with my weight loss plateau.  Over the past 3 months or so, I've started to see myself differently too.  In November, and December, I was happy with the way I looked.  I was happy to see pictures of myself.  I believed other people when they said it was hard to believe I still needed to lose 30 pounds.  Now, I see the old me again.  I see a fat girl that is bigger than she should be.  I see a girl with a jiggly muffin top.  Even though my jeans are getting bigger again, and my shirts are getting looser, I'm still seeing that fat girl.  Maybe it's what I need to push me to the change I need to make to get off this plateau, but I will be damn happy when I can see myself in a picture again and not feel like I'm still too big.  Again, trying to take what I've learned about myself, I am not beating myself up, but am trying new things, trying to change my routines up, to see what I can do to push me off this plateau.

As the spring gets warmer, and the summer sun starts beating down on us, I plan to continue to learn about myself and my habits.  I plan to be cognizant of my emotional despair from January through March.  I am planning to try new ways to work through next years emotional valley, to hopefully get a little less lost on the way to spring.

Why I don't work as a day care provider and Project 365...

I walked into Mia's daycare, and the principal was at the front desk. 

"Is she still in the room?"

"Yep.  She's still back there."

I thanked her and made my way back to the darkened hallway.  It was "quiet time", aka nap time at day care and the rooms were darkened leaving the hallway dark too.

The lights were on when I got to Mia's room.  There were 3 or 4 kids huddled together in the reading circle, one with her hand over her face.  As I stepped inside, searching for my child, I took in the few kids that were still sleeping in their cots, blissfully unaware of the war that had been waged on their fellow students, teachers and classroom.  The one visible teacher had folded a garbage bag and tied it around her face to cover her nose and mouth, a makeshift mask.  She was armed with paper towels and a spray bottle and cleaning up in the classroom.  She motioned toward the bathroom, where I could hear the other teacher trying to hide her gags from the other children.  

As I came to the bathroom, I saw the other unhappy teacher, unmasked trying valiantly to not be ill.  Behind her another child, upset, uncomfortable, vomit sticking to his blue sweatshirt and sweatpants.  And finally, the child I came for, standing by the door, tired, upset, shy.  Vomit beginning to dry on her gray leopard print jeans that I had convinced her to wear this morning.

I asked her to go stand by the door as a maneuvered my way to her cubby, around the cots of sleeping students and the cots that had been discarded by awake children.  Around the tables and chairs, traversing the vomit that was still on the floor, in the process of being cleaned up by the teachers.  I grabbed Mia's things, her blanket and clothes in plastic bags waiting for my washing machine, her backpack and coat.  I turned and once again was picking my way among the debris in the day care war zone to get to my child and the door.

And finally, we are out of the chaos of a day care room that has been besieged by the vomit of our very young.  And this is why I could never be a day care provider.  I would have lost it, my temper, my cool, my lunch when this happened.  I salute those teachers, and will try to get you some nice Valentine's Gifts to thank them for taking care of my daughter when she woke up and puked in the classroom.

Since this happened today, we'll go backward through the week in pictures, starting with today:

Mia, at home, after Vomitgate 2014, and before she puked on herself in the car (1-15):

1-14 - The only picture I took, wearing my crown at work.  

1-13 - This is on the door to my work.  Reminding people now that concealed carry is legal in Illinois, you still can't bring your gun to work:

1-12 - We had a birthday party to go to for the kids.

P.s. Yes, I have 2 daughters.  But lately, this is what I get from Olivia, which is why there are so many more pictures of Mia:

1-11 - Mia had her winter program and was on stage singing:

1-10 - Nohemi came over and she and Mia zipped themselves into my hoodie, making themselves a 2-headed-4-handed monster:

1-9 - Dinner - healthy and yum!

1-8 - This is how I entertain myself twice a week at dance class.