I read something yesterday that the things that make you angriest about other people are really the things that you dislike the most about yourself. This quote struck me as I have been thinking the same thing about my kid.
See, my Olivia is just like me. So much like me that she gets on my nerves like you wouldn't believe! There are many facets of my personality that I have had to work hard to overcome or change. I changed them because I didn't like the results. I didn't like feeling hurt, ashamed, made fun of, less important.
I had an extremely emotional childhood/adolescence. Everything would seem overwhelming to me, and then, I would cry uncontrollably. When I was frustrated, I would cry uncontrollably. When I was angry, I would cry uncontrollably. Guess what happened when you would put all of that together? I look back on that time of my life and feel bad for that girl, and for all the people that had to be around her. You'd think that going through all of this would give me some understanding when this happens to Olivia. While I have some understanding, I can't stand to listen to her cry for no reason. To emotionally overload herself when she just needs to learn to get past those emotions and look at things logically. I really wish this didn't make me angry with her, but many times, this makes me turn away from her. I haven't figured out how to guide her through this time, and for the most part, I want to run away from her as fast as I can when she gets this emotional. It drags on me, her tantrums make my ears bleed, having to yell over her to get her attention literally scrapes my throat raw.
The biggest problem with this is that it makes our relationship awkward. I never really know what is going to set off her emotional roller coaster. I don't walk on egg shells around her because I think that would never teach her that this is not acceptable behavior. But, having this anger towards these outbursts, and how they make me feel out of control and helpless to help her has pulled me away from her. I've built my own emotional distance to help me deal with this on an emotional level, but that distance has manifested in other parts of my relationship with her.
The problem is that I don't know how to fix it. For my whole life, when things have gotten too hurtful, to risky to my self-esteem or emotional balance, I pull away. It's a self-preservation tool that I have gotten really good at using and now, I'm worried that I'm doing it to my child. My child that I truly adore, and love with all my heart, even when I don't like her much.
How do you tear down a wall you didn't even realize you had built?
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On another, less emotional note, we made a trip to the pumpkin patch over the weekend!
We didn't get pumpkins at the pumpkin patch, but we were cold, even the hot chocolate and coffee couldn't warm us, almost got rained on, and definitely ran back to the warmth of our car when we could no longer take it.
Tony and I took a couple's selfie, after discussing how awesome it is to have slightly older children. We were able to stand by ourselves, and trust our kids to play nicely and not make us chase them, while we got to chat and drink coffee and take this silly picture. And, I need to teach Tony about photo angles and how much more flattering a picture can be.
We had some attitude to deal with (check Mia's face in some of these pics), but had a good time. The sun came out sometimes, but mostly it was cloudy, no chance of meatballs though. Mia adored riding the hay ride so she could stare at the horses. Olivia was happy to chase after Mia, pet the animals, and try to get us to buy them popcorn.
