Sometimes, it's not for me...

Last Saturday, I was drag-ass tired.  I mean, I haven't been sleeping so hot.  I was up early, I was in bed late, I haven't been sleeping through the night.  I was so tired that I didn't exercise like I normally do on Saturday mornings.  It's been my most constant day to exercise and I can't remember the last time I missed it.  But, last Saturday I did.  And, I seriously considered not going to my Weight Watchers meeting.  Mostly because I was tired, and hadn't exercised, and was tired, and didn't really know what to expect at a weigh-in.  

But, I went.  Whether it's routine, or not, I just felt that it would have been wrong to miss.  So, I went.  And I sat and I listened.  I raised my hand, I talked.  Then, my Leader singled me out a bit.  She said she knew I'd had quite a bit of success on my plan.  How much have you lost?  I gave her a bit of a, sly look, like c'mon.  I wasn't going to talk about me today.  But, I answered.  Almost 60 pounds I said.  Then, she did the same to someone else.

After the meeting was over, the lady sitting next to me, turned and asked me about the weight I had lost.  How long had it taken me?  It's not fast.  It's healthy.  It really is about slowly changing your lifestyle.  Changing the way you think about food and exercise.  It's taken me over a year to lose 60 lbs (almost), I told her.  I'm hoping by the start of 2014, I'll be at my goal weight, since I still have 45 left to go.  She seemed somewhat relieved. As if she had been in a bit of a funk, since the weight wasn't just falling off, but coming off slowly.  I told her about my year - my downs, my ups, my slow but steady loss.

After I left, I felt like I knew the reason I was supposed to be there at Weight Watchers.  Last weekend wasn't for me.  It was for another woman that needed reassurance and strength to make her own decisions on how she feels about her weight loss.  Whether I helped her or not, I'll probably never know.  But, I felt good being able to at least let her know, that it's not fast, and it's not easy, but my God, is it worth the work.  It's like a favorite quote of mine, "It's the hard the makes it great.  If it was easy, everybody'd do it."

Brothers, ugh....

Have I ever told you about my brother Jory?  Yes, Jory.  JOE-REE.  Sorry, I have to do that, his name is hard when you first meet him.

He has a unique place in the family.  Jory and I share a mom, but have different dads.  He is the product of 2 second marriages - meaning our mom's second and his dad's second.  He is the third child, both on mom and dad's side, but the fifth overall child.  Since he's not the baby, this puts him in an odd place.  In one way an oldest, in so many the third child.

He really has a different perspective than I do.  When I think about my family, I have a mom, a dad, two brothers and a sister.  But, one of my brothers shares all of that with me - mom, dad, extended family, little brother, little sister.  Jory, and Cari (my sis), also have a whole other side to their family.  Which is hard for me to imagine, since, to me, they are my family, my siblings.

Jory is eleven years younger than me.  I was so excited when my mom was pregnant with him.  I was excited to learn about grown up things, like pregnancy.  I felt like I was getting something my friends didn't have, a front row seat to learn all about this.  Plus - bonus - I might have a SISTER!  I already had one stinky little brother, who needed another?

But, I got the extra little brother.  I don't remember the night, or day that he was born.  I do remember when he would cry at night, it took everything I had not to run in there and pick him up and comfort him.  I was always very concerned that my mom wasn't getting up fast enough.  I remember one time I was baby-sitting.  I was changing his diaper (my mom did cloth diapers back then, but they were way harder than they are now), and I accidentally stuck him with a diaper pin.  Oh my god!  I was mortified!  And he was crying and I was crying and so upset that I had hurt him, even though it was barely a scratch on his little belly.

Jory was the fearless child.  Still to this day has little fear.  One time, he was toddler aged, again, I was babysitting.  The phone rang mid diaper change.  This was before the days of telemarketers, and cordless phones were all the rage, but we didn't have one.  So, I scrambled to answer the phone, only to turn around and see a naked toddler run out the front door.  He was so excited to be naked and free, like Forrest, he was running!  He was caught quickly and brought back to the land of diapers and clothes.

Jory is the child that is lucky to be alive at 23.  He brought a telephone table down on himself, and had a bruised bump on his head that I thought would never go away.  He ate dirt.  He fell out off a tree, lucky to have a swing set break his fall (seriously).  He had is hand slammed in the heavy garage door.  He gashed his head open at the pool, doing some tricks.  He was arrested the night Olivia was born (at 14) for shooting paint balls at moving cars.

It never seemed to bother him to get into trouble.  If he tried something and got caught, he'd shrug it off and move on to something else.  He moved to Mississippi with my mom shortly after I got married.  When college-aged he moved back to Illinois and in with us.  He's been with us for most of the past five years.  I've been lucky to see the way he's growing up.  The way he's learned to be responsible and keeps learning more about it as time goes by.  The day is looming near when he has to turn in his kid shoes and become a grown up.  He will be graduating college this year.

I am proud of this baby brother of mine.  I think he's had a different life than I can ever imagine.  He makes different choices than I would have made.  He's a smart kid, that is turning into a smart adult.  He's found a great girl that he's really attached to.  I really am proud of him, and am excited to see how his adulthood shapes up.

A weekend at home...

This has been a weird weekend.  We really had little to do, which is always strange, and a rare occurrence.  As usual, there is the laundry, dance class, Target, Jewel, meal planning, cleaning, and Weight Watchers.  We just didn't have any plans on top of that.  BTW - have you noticed that there are only 3 MORE WEEKENDS LEFT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!?!?!

I'm starting to feel rushed.  Mostly because I have yet to do any Christmas shopping.  I am not really knowing what to get people yet, and usually I'd have a pretty good idea.  I am planning on sending care packages again this year, and have figured out what will be sent in them.  Christmas cards were completed today, except the stamp and in the mail part.  I still need to get stamps.  AND the pics we took have been divyed up, and now will need to be sent out.  Oh - AND CHRISTMAS IS ONLY 3 WEEKENDS AWAY!!!

I'm trying not to stress and kill myself this Christmas.  As you can see from the above, it's totally working (sarcasm).  No, really - I have a plan.  I'm going to go shopping next weekend.  Possibly get some baking done, or complete the baking the next weekend.  The weekend after, the fam arrives, and that is when stress will kick into overload.  Family, food, guests in my house = holidays.  

I'm looking forward to New Years.

So, this weekend, I had to escape.  That's right.  I was sitting on Saturday, Mia was napping, Olivia was flitting around, Tony was sleeping.  As I sat and watched him sleep, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I'd been trying to smother for the past few days.  I needed to leave - and like NOW.

So, I did.  I walked out the door.  Went to Target - BY MYSELF.  I browsed the make up and nail polishes.  I looked through the Christmas stuff.  I meandered through the clothes, not searching for little kids frolicking through the clothes displays.  Not yelling to keep them near me.  Just, by myself, blowing off some steam, getting things done.

After that, I went to Jewel (this is one of the grocery chains in my area, for those that aren't familiar).  I didn't have to get a car-cart.  You know, the ones with the giant car on the front that are super hard to maneuver, and my kid won't stay in it - although the other (8 yo, 100 lbs) wants in.  I got to have a regular cart, didn't have to stop in the cereal aisle, didn't wander through snacks - just got to shop by myself.  And it didn't hurt to see firemen shopping either.  Firemen, rrrrgggggeeeellllleee (to quote Wayne Campbell).

It really was just what I needed.  Time away, by myself, not driving, not headed anywhere, just time.  It's helped me to decide on what I should try next.  So, we'll see how that goes.

Here are some pics from this weekend, and a little before.

We caught some SNL rerun today, with Lady Gaga as the musical guest.  Both my kids watched her sing/dance and began dancing themselves.  This was highly amusing to me, and then the little grabbed this headband and rocked it out - Flashdance style!

 

Later on Saturday, I enjoyed how our Christmas lights looked with the regular lights turned off.  I kinda like it.

 

This one decided to beg to sleep with me.  I'm not really sure where that comes from, my kids don't sleep in my bed.  But, the face was cute.

 

Apparently, this is how we get comfortable to watch TV.  This kid is kinda weird, yo.

 

 

Tony took this picture earlier this week.  Mostly, it shows how I need makeup, still have more weight to lose, oh, and how much that kid is loving me!  :-)

She is my snuggle bug.

 

The girl...

I know I want to write tonight, but I'm just not sure what to write.  I could write about my day, but I don't think that's for public consumption - too many emotions, too little internet.  I could write about a little story that's riding around in my head, but I need to be in a bit more fun mood for that.

Maybe I'll tell you a story.  

A long time ago, there was a girl.  This girl knew the world revolved around her.  Her feelings and emotions, trials and tribulations were the most important things ever.  No one else mattered, at least not as much as the girl, except to how they fit into the girls life.  Her friends she loved dearly, her family she tolerated.  She fought the constraints of youth and battled to be an adult.

This girl grew up, and worked, and played, and went to school.  She was going to be a radio star, or at least on the air, for at least one or more people to listen to.  She was going to go out and DO things, not just be chained to a house, a husband a kid.  She would work with charities and help less fortunate people.  She would somehow make some money too.  Maybe have a cool apartment in the city, where she wouldn't need a car, only a bike and her Jesus Wheels.

Then, this girl met a boy and they liked each other.  So much so that they ended up getting married.  The girls was able to edit her dreams to add the boy to them.  They would DO things, things that were fun, things that mattered.  They would know politics, and be able to speak to subjects in a wise and experienced manner.  Soon, the girl graduated from college.

Much to the girls exhaustion, she decided to try to sort out her life from her dreams and also to quit her job.  She was so tired of schlepping coffee to a**holes, with little to no reward.  Plus, what a better way to force yourself into action on your dream.

Before a new job came into the action plan, two little pink lines on a pee stick showed the girl that her life was destined to take a different course.  The girl put her dreams on hold, to embrace another kind of dream, and another human being.

Now, the girl has the house, the kids, the husband, but not the dream.  The girl sees two other girls that know the world revolves around them.  The girl knows that she is only a bit player in their worlds, although, probably has the biggest part in their lives now, than she ever will again.  The girl wonders at how easy, yet somewhat devastating it is to put your life, your hopes and dreams on hold to pursue other dreams.  As the girl has many days, where her feelings are no longer as important as they once were, where her trials and tribulations are written instead of spoken, where the world revolves around others, yet she is the one that helps to keep that world spinning, she wonders when her dreams will be acted upon.  When will it be ok to DO things, fun things, important things, things that others just talk about?  Will she get her time?  Or will her life fizzle out, fulfilled in one way, missing in others?  Or will some new dream come and satisfy in a way that the old dream doesn't seem to have been missed?  The girl wonders, what will tomorrow hold?

Troublemaker...

Do you ever have those days that are just up, then down?  Then up?  Then down?  Then down again?

That was my day today.

It started well.  Mia was feeling much better today.  It was also a work from home day, plus, my late night, so I would get a break in the middle of the day.  I was feeling good - not hungry, not angry, just good.

I used the phrase "Awesome sauce" in an IM and immediately started wondering about the origin of that phrase.  I picture some dude, eating out.  Something with sauce.  He loves it!  He's like, this sauce is AWESOME!!  AWESOME SAUCE!  And with that - a phrase is born.

But, what kind of sauce?  BBQ sauce?  Alfredo?  Marinara?  Clam Sauce?  Ham Sauce?  Marjoram Sauce?  And that is the point that I shut off the Dr. Seuss in my brain, and moved on.

Mia had a banner day.  Decided to find out exactly how much water my bathroom towel would hold, while I was on a conference call at work.  Couldn't stop begging for lunch, and a new movie.  I couldn't wait for nap time.  All the while, I'm being emailed and IM'd left and right at work, and just ready to be done.  I also got bitched out by a customer, via email, so it's recorded forever and ever, Amen.  And she keeps ending her emails with "Have a great day!" so that I want to find her and choke her.

Frustration has set in.  I'm done.  The kid goes to take a nap, I can finally log out from work, and I go to workout.  I do an hour to help burn off frustration.  I'm feeling better when done, and The Little is awake, so it's off to get sissy and hit up the grocery store.

Guess what?  My Mia decided to steal a candy bar.  So, we marched right back in, and gave it to the nice lady and we tried to scare my 4 year old straight.  She doesn't want to go to jail.  Plus, she doesn't get to wear dresses for the rest of the week, only pants for her.  That's right.  Pants is the punishment.

We get home, and Mia decides to lay on the cat who screamed and was limping.  The cats ok, but this kid!  Terrible 4's, maybe?  Then, once dinner is served, and I'm back to working again, she's in the bathroom - AGAIN.  The water is running, again.  I go in there, and she has filled the sink with water, and stuck her head in there.  In trouble, AGAIN.

Such is the life, right?  Tomorrow will be a better day.  Mostly, because she'll be back at the sitter's and I'll be physically at work.

Zits, Stress, and Pics...

Holy crap my blog's still here!

Yep, I'm totally surprised.  I'm sure you are too.

Did you miss me?  I missed you.

We've been doing a lot, but I'll get into that in a bit.  Did I ever tell you about my quest to find skin care that worked?  This started about a year ago. I was so fed up with being 33 and still fighting zits - like worse than when I was in high school, yo!  So, I decided to bring out the big guns and try a line that was more proven than what I can get at Target.  Last winter was dry and not super cold, but cold enough.  The lady I saw at the skin care counter was very nice, but she told me I had dry skin.  I was like, you must be mistaken.  My skin is not dry - far from it.  Maybe today it's dry, but I do not fight dryness.  Oh yes, she says, it's dry.  Try the dry skin wash, toner, and moisturizer.

Well, it's not my job to know people's skin.  I really only know mine.  So, I take her advice and am doing well, but still breaking out - not as much, but still there.  I finally take a look at the moisturizer - there is OIL in it.  OIL! Uhhhh?? Did I not say ZITS?!?!

So, I took it back.  Got the oil free version.  Still breaking out.  I go back.  This time, I drag a friend and we get makeovers to boot.  I talk to a different lady and walk away with the Acne Solutions line.  And a TON of makeup - most of which is still slowly being used.

Within about a week, possibly 2, I'm back.  My face is SUPER dried out.  The foundation is way too orangey.  I buy some oil free night cream and am using that on my face as well as the normal moisturizer.  The Acne Solutions dried out too much.  Also, I learn the foundation I have is the lightest shade they have.  I am able to thin it with water, but have not bought their foundation again.  No big, right?  The whole point of this is to get my skin to a point that I don't need to wear make up all the time.

I go on.  I finally figure out the toner is causing more breakouts than it's worth.  I stop using it.  I go back to Acne Solutions Wash, Spot Treatment, Normal Moisturizer (without OIL).  Life goes on, it's summer.  It's working ok - still am unhappy with the occasional zit.

Finally, I run out of the wash and had remembered that I had gotten a sample of the oily skin wash, and toner on one of my many previous trips.  I try it.  My skin tingles.  It feels AWESOME!  I have found my wash!!!  I still get breakouts, but mostly when I don't wash my face like I should.

That's the story of my skin care journey.  I'll most likely do it again someday - only time will tell.

Oh, and the night cream?  My four year old uses it during the winter when her face dries out.  Because I don't need it.  (NOT DRY SKIN, remember?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wondering what we've been up to?  

A lot of the same stuff as usual.  Working, playing, driving, busy, busy, busy.  Lately, when I should have been writing, I've been reading food blogs.  Searching out new and interesting recipes that I can lighten up and share with family and friends.  Or, as of almost a week ago, I've been eating like crazy at night.  I go through phases of this uncontrollable night eating.  In the summer, I can control it by leaving the house.  I'm too cold to do that now.  I'm not sure what to do, but I have to find a way to stop it before my weight loss turns to weight gain. 

This is one of the many beautiful sunsets/sunrises that we've been seeing around here.  Lots of pinks, and pastel colors.  I am a sucker for a sunrise or sunset and just adore staring at the colors of the clouds and how that changes so quickly and is gone when you blink.

This is the tree right outside the living room window.  It still had it's leaves on this foggy morning, the day before Thanksgiving.  I was really trying to capture the fog - it was crazy.  But, I got this beautiful tree on the last day it had leaves.  The next day, they were all on the ground.

 

Did I mention foggy?  I couldn't even see across the intersection as we drove to the grocery store.  I even missed the turn for the grocery store!  I've only been going there for 6 years, multiple times a week!  

This is what we did on the day after Thanksgiving.  You go black Friday shopping - we put on weird outfits - that were strangely similar to one another and spent the day playing the Wii and messing around.

This is Mia, entranced with the Christmas Tree. I have never seen someone that loves a tree this much.  Or the ornaments, would be putting it better.  I actually caught her eating an ornament last year.  Glass and paint in her mouth - I was in time.  No one was hurt.  But I was scared.  *Worst Mommy Moment (so far)*

And, I found a new photo editing app.  That let me take this not so awesome photo and make it a new fave. 

We hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

And, since it's Tuesday, and it's been awhile, I'm linking up with Gfunkified and MamaMash for iPPP.

How to make friends....

I've promised myself that I need to get back to writing, back to blogging.  So, I'm going to try to write everyday, possibly publish everyday and if the writing is deemed of quality in some way, or if I just need the attention, I will share to Facebook/Twitter.

In getting back into blogging, that also means back to Instagramming, Facebooking, Twittering, etc.  I did make up those verbs, but, it's my space so, whatever.  I have found so many other mom's out there.  Doing what I do - in their way.  Chronicling their lives, their feelings, their stories on their own blogs. So many that I feel like I know because of how much I read their blogs, see their pictures, follow conversations on Twitter.

Which makes me a cyber stalker doesn't it?  Ummm, yeah.  But!  I justify this cyber-stalking because they put themselves out there to be found, and I really would like to get to know these people better.

Some are really just un-attainable.  You know, like the popular kids in school?  Yeah - I'm never going to be cool enough to hang with The Bloggess.  But that's ok - she's funny and awesome, and I can be excited just to read her blog.

But then, you have other people, people that seem more attainable.  So, how do you move from cyber stalker, to cyber acquaintance, to cyber friend?

I'm awkward enough in real life that I have some tricks to make friends.  First, pacify with sugar, and lots of it:

 

The next thing I do is activities.  I can make fun faces:

 

 

I can share things, such as feelings, gossip, and most importantly, markers:

 

 

I can play some games, and I'm not a sore loser - unless we're playing Chess.  I like to win - always.

 

 

I can even play some video games!  I rock at Mario, and, while I'm not very good at it, I do like Just Dance.

 

 

Seriously - I am not good - you can beat me.  I'm a bad dancer.  Even the cat thinks so.

 

 

I can take some wicked awesome pics though.  And I can laugh at myself.  I sometimes can be a good friend.

 

But?  How do I present this to people that can't be swayed by my cakes and cookies?  By people that can't laugh at my dance moves?  How do you earn the trust of someone you really never get to see?

Any tips or tricks?  What are your moves?  Like Fat Monica told Chandler, I don't have any moves.  But would love to make friends out of some of the people that I cyber stalk.

I didn't mean for this blog to turn into some weird Craig's list add - MWF seeking Friend for sometimes sharing?

Oy, I am awkward to the max.  You'd think you could get away from that online.  Apparently not.

Slow ride; take it easy...

So, yeah.  I've been away from here for quite some time.  Gone, but not forgotten, my friends.  I've not been feeling like myself as much lately, but that feeling is coming back.  At least, I think it is.

I've been stressing, and stressing and stressing and at some point, you just have to lay that all down and let the cards tumble where they might.  Sometimes, you figure out that you can't change what other people do, how they act, how their words can make you feel.  What you can change is how you react to them.  How you let these things affect your life.  It may take me longer than others to figure these things out, but once I got it, I'm done.

So.  For the moment at least, I'm getting back to where I belong.  Worrying about things that I can effect, or change.  Stressing about things that are within my power to fix.  Or not stressing about the other things that people do, say or how they act.  I can start enjoying things again, the little things.  The things I may take for granted until they smack me upside the head.

Things like how my little miss Mia is growing up so fast.  She's four now.  FOUR.  She plans her wardrobe.  She uses the potty.  She wears big girl undies - even to bed (for the first time tonight - fingers crossed!).  She sings along to the songs on the radio and like to request Miley Cyrus.  She's fascinated by other people and is about as social as social gets.  She makes me laugh with her faces and the things she tells me.  She still likes to cuddle sometimes too.

Then, when I start to notice how sweet it is to old Mia's hand as we walk to Olivia's day care, and I start to wonder how much longer I will get to hold this sweet little hand in mine.  As I picture Mia as a grown up, and me holding the hand of our next generation.

Which brings me to my other much more grown up daughter.  The one that is testing her independence by going to the bathroom at the grocery store - BY HERSELF.  Or, who helps my by ordering the lunch meat from the deli counter.  Or, who decides to clean up for no reason (this actually happened once, about a week ago.  I thought I had died).  Or who goes off by herself to read.

This little girl who has been independent since day one.  This little girl that wouldn't cuddle, but would stare deep into your eyes while she took her bottle like she would drink up your soul with the bottle.  This little artist who would draw on everything, and everyone.  My little observer who would watch everything you do and imitate.  My little mini me in so very many ways.

This little girl is gone with an older version of her.  The little observer who has grown into a bigger watcher.  She doesn't miss a whole lot.  She is curious and wants to know about so many things.  She wants to show you the things that interest her, like math, and how she can do her multiplication tables.  The girl who has loves her cat, and loves her family, and absolutely adores being praised and having good attention.

These are the things I can't afford to miss, or to just let them slip by.  These are the things I want to think about.  About how to empower and adore and love both of my daughters in their own way.  Showing them how to navigate a world with poise and dignity, and how to treat other people and themselves.  These are the things that I will keep and I will let the others go.

The road...

I was getting ready to go to sleep tonight, when I noticed, I just wasn't tired.  What to do with extra time? I watched Chicago Fire (mostly to see Lt. Severide), and it's a good show.  But, now that it's over, what to do?  My kids are asleep, my hubs is downstairs, the cats can't be bothered, I'm bored with facebook, twitter, etc. and my phone is down there too.

Lo and behold, I do have this crazy computer, and I blog that I sometimes write on.  I could take a minute to write!  What a novel idea!

Lately, I've been around less.  It seems like this writing thing has to find it's way in though.  I am busy.  I am stressed.  I am overwhelmed.

I got sick this past week or so, thankfully getting over it.  But, between fighting the cold, fighting my stress, promising too much and giving too little, I wore myself out a bit and needed to find some time to rest.

Do you ever have bleed-over from your work life to your real life and vice versa?  Like, when you get stressed at work or overwhelmed, it makes you do less at home, which may make you feel more overwhelmed because there is always so much to do?  And when your home life is making you unhappy, you may dive happily into work to think about your home life less, but notice that you are still stressing out - now even more because this feels like it's all you have?

Yeah?  That sucks.

But, that's how it is for me too.  I've been stressed out and thinking and planning.  I've become very angry, and not expressing it in the most healthy ways.  I'm tired, I'm cranky.  I'm pretty pissy lately.

I don't necessarily like the me that I am right now.  I also don't necessarily know what to do to change that.  Mostly because I am swamped with stuff to do, at work, at home.  Thankless tasks, repeated tasks, no rewards, only those in my head.  Sometimes, those rewards in your head is not enough.  Sometimes, you start to feel lost.  Sometimes, you see that open road and want to take it.  Find out where you will go.  Will  you repeat the same mistakes you've made in the past?  Would you finally follow that dream?  What is the collateral damage that can be caused by following that dream?  What is acceptable collateral damage?  OR - would you end up in the same situation - doing the same thing - wishing for that next fresh start that might, or might not, come down the road?

I need to better my own situation.  While the road beckons, it is not something I'm ready to try just yet.  I need to learn from bad situations in the past, and try to do things the right way.  I need to get in gear and get stuff done.  But, I also need to take care of me.  Somehow, someway, I need to keep tabs on me and make sure that the me that I want to be is never very far away.

But maybe, I'll see you on that road someday soon.

Pumpkin Farm Pictorial...

'Tis the season, you know.  For pumpkins.  And pumpkin farms.  With pet-able farm animals (smelly), horse-drawn hay rides, corn mazes, hay stacks and of course - photo ops.  We went to a local farm today.  It was great.  A beautiful day for a ton of beautiful pictures. 

The scenery was gorgeous!

From the hayride.

View from the corn maze

They have this little steam engine train.  We didn't ride it, but you can see it in the background.

Autumn

The light is so great in this pic.

Making faces.

Autumn

They were having a civil war re-enactment.  Tents, soldiers, ladies in old fashions.

Self-portraits on the hay ride - Tony and me.

Mia and I

Olivia and me.

In the corn maze

Hallelujah!  We found the exit from the corn maze.

Photo op with the punkins

Picking a pumpkin