Food Issues....

i HAVE...caps lock on.  Oops.

Second try.

I have food issues.  Actually, I have many issues.  I hate spiders.  They literally make my skin crawl.  I don't want to see them inside or outside my house, not on my car, not in my shower or in my FB news feed.  Keep those nasty things away!

But, back to my food issues.

I know I have food issues.  Food and I get along too well.  Especially the kinds of food that are fun to eat, at least for a moment, but that have little to no health value and then make you feel awful for having just scarfed down 4 portions.  

Knowing that I have food issues, I decided to make a change.  My ultimate wish list goal would be to no longer let food have power over me.  I want to be so used to picking the right things, making good choices, that I don't even stress about food.  I want to not obsess about chips, and cheese when I am beginning to get hungry.  I want to not obsess about food at all. 

Do I think I'll get to that place?  Well, a girl can hope, right?  Right now I'm working on giving myself a little more freedom.  Freedom to eat more food, but mostly more of the good food - the food you like to eat, but is really good for you too.

Can I tell you something scary about food issues?

You can pass them on to your kids.  

I don't know if it's heredity, or simply that I've done the same things with food that my mom did when I was a kid (no you can't have that, blah, blah).

I eat when I'm alone.  This started when I was a kid.  It was a way to exert my independence and power.  The food was there.  I was hungry.  No one else was home.  I could eat the things that my mom would tell me not to eat.  Secretive, shameful, rebellious, guilty eating ensued.  And, that's actually a pretty intoxicating brew - ask any girl that always falls for the 'bad guy'.  She knows this feeling.  She knows how bad-good one little kiss (in my case, that would be of the Hershey variety) can feel.  And, it's addictive.  This hidden habit constantly makes you feel good in a bad way.  And you start to do this every time no one else is home.  So much so that as you grow older, and get married, you still eat on the sly.  If I'm going to go to that place, I'm doing it while Tony's not home, or the girls are not paying attention to me.  This is my food issue, my habit of eating shamefully.

My daughter has started to find some new independence and freedom, as she's gotten older.  Now, when she is alone, she's eating.  And eating.  And eating.  And when we call her out on it, she is ashamed.  Ashamed that we know her secret.  Ashamed that she did eat those 4 candy bars.  Even worse now is that feeling of no longer being the perfect child she thought she was, because now we KNOW.

So now my shameful habit has become her shameful habit.  This is not an easy habit to break.  I told her she should never be ashamed of what she eats.  People have to eat.  It's ok to indulge.  I gave her ideas on what she could try to indulge in.  I told her to think about planning a snack for when she got home.  This snack could already be prepared when she gets home, even.  And, if that apple and cheese stick are not enough, and she still wants candy, then she can have a kiss, or a small candy bar.  I really want her to not feel ashamed of this habit.  Maybe, if we take that shame out of it, she might have an easier time that I do with overcoming this food issue.

My only hope for my kids was that they would both have my husband's metabolism, or any of my siblings.  One got lucky.  The other takes after me.  So, she's going to have to fight these issues, just like I have.  Maybe her struggle will be a little easier?  A girl can hope, right?

Stretching my random thoughts...

You may have noticed the resounding silence around here lately.  I've been working, and planning, dealing, and overwhelmed.  I've been feeling very stretched lately.

Not the stretched that you feel physically around 36 weeks pregnant, but mentally stretched.  Overwhelmed with work, with personal life.  We've had literally so much going on, that I began to feel seriously stretched.

Here are some of the thoughts that I've been having lately:

Really?  This is my life?  The same thing, day after day after day after day.  And I have to plan for these days, so that the family moves smoothly?  Do I do anything for me?  What happened to that girl that wanted to be on-air talent on the radio?  The one that just wanted to have fun because fun is what makes the world go round.

Will I ever lose the weight I'm carrying around?  Will I ever be able to figure this out?  What is driving my food issues?  Oh yeah, I definitely have food issues.

I'm deliriously happy to plan our Disney trip!  

Do I pull myself away from my family?  Is it really that I am protecting my emotions, my security, my heart that ends up hurt?  Or am I so sure that everyone will go away from me, leaving me alone, so that I push everyone away or just don't ever let them in?

Seriously - can I just eat whatever I want?  Without tracking, and not gain weight?  Can I eat with wild abandon?  No.  It doesn't matter how many miles I run, how good I am with food choices, I will never be able to eat with abandon and will forever fight my head with what I want and what I need.

How is my marriage?  Does my husband really know how I feel, sometimes so lost in the life of the wife, the mother, the worker.  Does he feel the same way?  How can I reconnect with him?  

Is my house ever going to be clean?  Will I ever get my house decorated the way I want?  I have pictures on my floor waiting for frames, plans in my head on how to paint and decorate Olivia's room.  We need new mattresses, Olivia needs a new bed, the basement needs to be cleaned and I found ANOTHER junk drawer that needs to be emptied.  How do other people deal with all the stuff of life?

I want to start having Sunday dinners.  I want to invite friends, family, everyone to come over and enjoy Sunday dinner with us.  When can we start doing this.  I need to invite people over.

My baby is six years old.  She might as well be 18 and headed off for college based on how this makes me feel.  I see small babies, and ooh and ahhh, but know that is not in the cards for me again (which is good).  But I feel a grief over the passing of this time of my life.  Happy and grieving all at the same time.

I need to exercise my mind.  Maybe I can avoid the dementia curse if I do a crossword puzzle, or sudoku or other games to keep my mind strong?  Wait - what my mind do I even have left after work, kids, activities, etc?  I should have started 10 years ago.  I should still start now.

How do I deal with my food issues?  Where do they stem?  How can I interact better with my family?  I need a therapist.  How do you find a therapist?  Do I just Google that?

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Does this sound like you?  Working through all of these random thoughts and emotions all the while mothering, fathering, wife-ing, husband-ing, working, brother-ing, sister-ing, etc.

I guess this is life right?  What is it that they say: "It's only life - we all get through it."  Sort of positive and negative at the same time, also, somewhat dark.  I don't know about you, but my plan is to make the best of this life and to embrace the craziness.  Mostly because I'll be sad when this phase of life is over too.

Month in review....

After much late posting of my Project 365, I've decided that this is not the best format for me.  I don't take pictures every day.  And if I do, it's so much of the same thing, day after day after jogging picture after jogging picture.  So, I've decided that I will try instead, on Friday nights to post a week in review where I can post my favorite pictures for the week.

For this first iteration, I'm posting pictures from the past month, Mid-September to Mid-October, my life in pics:

 Tony and I visited Kansas City on our 12th Anniversary Weekend.  I got to share a great Pumpkin Latte (made with Almond Milk) at this little coffee shop near UMKC.

One of the fountains in KC, we saw when we got to take a morning run together.

 

Our view up the lawns to the Art Museum that we would visit the next day.

The art museum has a sculpture garden in their front lawn.  Here's Tony pretending to hold a giant birdie that was in the lawn.

Sculpture of a tree.

Mia had a birthday.  The princess turned 6.

After her 6th birthday, Queen Elsa joined me for a trip to the grocery store.

As is tradition in the Midwest, we visited the pumpkin farm, and this is what it feels like to be in a corn maze, alone, with your 10 year old far ahead of you.

 The girls enjoying the corn pit.  Kinda like a ball pit, but with dried corn.

And...the jumping pillow.  We spent most of our time at the jumping pillow.

We've also been going for walks, as a family, with the dog on the forest preserve trails near us.  This is Mia and Joe, in sync in the car.

Their conversation looks interesting.

Olivia found a flower for Mia.

Princess Hollywood and her flower.

Random pictures:

This is a girl after my own heart with the Cheese Balls.  Can't buy them, mostly because I'd eat the entire bucket.

Rockin' it, gym teacher style.

I'm tired, you're tired, and she was supposed to be putting her clean clothes away, but this is how I found her, asleep on the floor.