Stretching my random thoughts...

You may have noticed the resounding silence around here lately.  I've been working, and planning, dealing, and overwhelmed.  I've been feeling very stretched lately.

Not the stretched that you feel physically around 36 weeks pregnant, but mentally stretched.  Overwhelmed with work, with personal life.  We've had literally so much going on, that I began to feel seriously stretched.

Here are some of the thoughts that I've been having lately:

Really?  This is my life?  The same thing, day after day after day after day.  And I have to plan for these days, so that the family moves smoothly?  Do I do anything for me?  What happened to that girl that wanted to be on-air talent on the radio?  The one that just wanted to have fun because fun is what makes the world go round.

Will I ever lose the weight I'm carrying around?  Will I ever be able to figure this out?  What is driving my food issues?  Oh yeah, I definitely have food issues.

I'm deliriously happy to plan our Disney trip!  

Do I pull myself away from my family?  Is it really that I am protecting my emotions, my security, my heart that ends up hurt?  Or am I so sure that everyone will go away from me, leaving me alone, so that I push everyone away or just don't ever let them in?

Seriously - can I just eat whatever I want?  Without tracking, and not gain weight?  Can I eat with wild abandon?  No.  It doesn't matter how many miles I run, how good I am with food choices, I will never be able to eat with abandon and will forever fight my head with what I want and what I need.

How is my marriage?  Does my husband really know how I feel, sometimes so lost in the life of the wife, the mother, the worker.  Does he feel the same way?  How can I reconnect with him?  

Is my house ever going to be clean?  Will I ever get my house decorated the way I want?  I have pictures on my floor waiting for frames, plans in my head on how to paint and decorate Olivia's room.  We need new mattresses, Olivia needs a new bed, the basement needs to be cleaned and I found ANOTHER junk drawer that needs to be emptied.  How do other people deal with all the stuff of life?

I want to start having Sunday dinners.  I want to invite friends, family, everyone to come over and enjoy Sunday dinner with us.  When can we start doing this.  I need to invite people over.

My baby is six years old.  She might as well be 18 and headed off for college based on how this makes me feel.  I see small babies, and ooh and ahhh, but know that is not in the cards for me again (which is good).  But I feel a grief over the passing of this time of my life.  Happy and grieving all at the same time.

I need to exercise my mind.  Maybe I can avoid the dementia curse if I do a crossword puzzle, or sudoku or other games to keep my mind strong?  Wait - what my mind do I even have left after work, kids, activities, etc?  I should have started 10 years ago.  I should still start now.

How do I deal with my food issues?  Where do they stem?  How can I interact better with my family?  I need a therapist.  How do you find a therapist?  Do I just Google that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Does this sound like you?  Working through all of these random thoughts and emotions all the while mothering, fathering, wife-ing, husband-ing, working, brother-ing, sister-ing, etc.

I guess this is life right?  What is it that they say: "It's only life - we all get through it."  Sort of positive and negative at the same time, also, somewhat dark.  I don't know about you, but my plan is to make the best of this life and to embrace the craziness.  Mostly because I'll be sad when this phase of life is over too.