Food Issues....

i HAVE...caps lock on.  Oops.

Second try.

I have food issues.  Actually, I have many issues.  I hate spiders.  They literally make my skin crawl.  I don't want to see them inside or outside my house, not on my car, not in my shower or in my FB news feed.  Keep those nasty things away!

But, back to my food issues.

I know I have food issues.  Food and I get along too well.  Especially the kinds of food that are fun to eat, at least for a moment, but that have little to no health value and then make you feel awful for having just scarfed down 4 portions.  

Knowing that I have food issues, I decided to make a change.  My ultimate wish list goal would be to no longer let food have power over me.  I want to be so used to picking the right things, making good choices, that I don't even stress about food.  I want to not obsess about chips, and cheese when I am beginning to get hungry.  I want to not obsess about food at all. 

Do I think I'll get to that place?  Well, a girl can hope, right?  Right now I'm working on giving myself a little more freedom.  Freedom to eat more food, but mostly more of the good food - the food you like to eat, but is really good for you too.

Can I tell you something scary about food issues?

You can pass them on to your kids.  

I don't know if it's heredity, or simply that I've done the same things with food that my mom did when I was a kid (no you can't have that, blah, blah).

I eat when I'm alone.  This started when I was a kid.  It was a way to exert my independence and power.  The food was there.  I was hungry.  No one else was home.  I could eat the things that my mom would tell me not to eat.  Secretive, shameful, rebellious, guilty eating ensued.  And, that's actually a pretty intoxicating brew - ask any girl that always falls for the 'bad guy'.  She knows this feeling.  She knows how bad-good one little kiss (in my case, that would be of the Hershey variety) can feel.  And, it's addictive.  This hidden habit constantly makes you feel good in a bad way.  And you start to do this every time no one else is home.  So much so that as you grow older, and get married, you still eat on the sly.  If I'm going to go to that place, I'm doing it while Tony's not home, or the girls are not paying attention to me.  This is my food issue, my habit of eating shamefully.

My daughter has started to find some new independence and freedom, as she's gotten older.  Now, when she is alone, she's eating.  And eating.  And eating.  And when we call her out on it, she is ashamed.  Ashamed that we know her secret.  Ashamed that she did eat those 4 candy bars.  Even worse now is that feeling of no longer being the perfect child she thought she was, because now we KNOW.

So now my shameful habit has become her shameful habit.  This is not an easy habit to break.  I told her she should never be ashamed of what she eats.  People have to eat.  It's ok to indulge.  I gave her ideas on what she could try to indulge in.  I told her to think about planning a snack for when she got home.  This snack could already be prepared when she gets home, even.  And, if that apple and cheese stick are not enough, and she still wants candy, then she can have a kiss, or a small candy bar.  I really want her to not feel ashamed of this habit.  Maybe, if we take that shame out of it, she might have an easier time that I do with overcoming this food issue.

My only hope for my kids was that they would both have my husband's metabolism, or any of my siblings.  One got lucky.  The other takes after me.  So, she's going to have to fight these issues, just like I have.  Maybe her struggle will be a little easier?  A girl can hope, right?