The girl...

I know I want to write tonight, but I'm just not sure what to write.  I could write about my day, but I don't think that's for public consumption - too many emotions, too little internet.  I could write about a little story that's riding around in my head, but I need to be in a bit more fun mood for that.

Maybe I'll tell you a story.  

A long time ago, there was a girl.  This girl knew the world revolved around her.  Her feelings and emotions, trials and tribulations were the most important things ever.  No one else mattered, at least not as much as the girl, except to how they fit into the girls life.  Her friends she loved dearly, her family she tolerated.  She fought the constraints of youth and battled to be an adult.

This girl grew up, and worked, and played, and went to school.  She was going to be a radio star, or at least on the air, for at least one or more people to listen to.  She was going to go out and DO things, not just be chained to a house, a husband a kid.  She would work with charities and help less fortunate people.  She would somehow make some money too.  Maybe have a cool apartment in the city, where she wouldn't need a car, only a bike and her Jesus Wheels.

Then, this girl met a boy and they liked each other.  So much so that they ended up getting married.  The girls was able to edit her dreams to add the boy to them.  They would DO things, things that were fun, things that mattered.  They would know politics, and be able to speak to subjects in a wise and experienced manner.  Soon, the girl graduated from college.

Much to the girls exhaustion, she decided to try to sort out her life from her dreams and also to quit her job.  She was so tired of schlepping coffee to a**holes, with little to no reward.  Plus, what a better way to force yourself into action on your dream.

Before a new job came into the action plan, two little pink lines on a pee stick showed the girl that her life was destined to take a different course.  The girl put her dreams on hold, to embrace another kind of dream, and another human being.

Now, the girl has the house, the kids, the husband, but not the dream.  The girl sees two other girls that know the world revolves around them.  The girl knows that she is only a bit player in their worlds, although, probably has the biggest part in their lives now, than she ever will again.  The girl wonders at how easy, yet somewhat devastating it is to put your life, your hopes and dreams on hold to pursue other dreams.  As the girl has many days, where her feelings are no longer as important as they once were, where her trials and tribulations are written instead of spoken, where the world revolves around others, yet she is the one that helps to keep that world spinning, she wonders when her dreams will be acted upon.  When will it be ok to DO things, fun things, important things, things that others just talk about?  Will she get her time?  Or will her life fizzle out, fulfilled in one way, missing in others?  Or will some new dream come and satisfy in a way that the old dream doesn't seem to have been missed?  The girl wonders, what will tomorrow hold?

Troublemaker...

Do you ever have those days that are just up, then down?  Then up?  Then down?  Then down again?

That was my day today.

It started well.  Mia was feeling much better today.  It was also a work from home day, plus, my late night, so I would get a break in the middle of the day.  I was feeling good - not hungry, not angry, just good.

I used the phrase "Awesome sauce" in an IM and immediately started wondering about the origin of that phrase.  I picture some dude, eating out.  Something with sauce.  He loves it!  He's like, this sauce is AWESOME!!  AWESOME SAUCE!  And with that - a phrase is born.

But, what kind of sauce?  BBQ sauce?  Alfredo?  Marinara?  Clam Sauce?  Ham Sauce?  Marjoram Sauce?  And that is the point that I shut off the Dr. Seuss in my brain, and moved on.

Mia had a banner day.  Decided to find out exactly how much water my bathroom towel would hold, while I was on a conference call at work.  Couldn't stop begging for lunch, and a new movie.  I couldn't wait for nap time.  All the while, I'm being emailed and IM'd left and right at work, and just ready to be done.  I also got bitched out by a customer, via email, so it's recorded forever and ever, Amen.  And she keeps ending her emails with "Have a great day!" so that I want to find her and choke her.

Frustration has set in.  I'm done.  The kid goes to take a nap, I can finally log out from work, and I go to workout.  I do an hour to help burn off frustration.  I'm feeling better when done, and The Little is awake, so it's off to get sissy and hit up the grocery store.

Guess what?  My Mia decided to steal a candy bar.  So, we marched right back in, and gave it to the nice lady and we tried to scare my 4 year old straight.  She doesn't want to go to jail.  Plus, she doesn't get to wear dresses for the rest of the week, only pants for her.  That's right.  Pants is the punishment.

We get home, and Mia decides to lay on the cat who screamed and was limping.  The cats ok, but this kid!  Terrible 4's, maybe?  Then, once dinner is served, and I'm back to working again, she's in the bathroom - AGAIN.  The water is running, again.  I go in there, and she has filled the sink with water, and stuck her head in there.  In trouble, AGAIN.

Such is the life, right?  Tomorrow will be a better day.  Mostly, because she'll be back at the sitter's and I'll be physically at work.

Zits, Stress, and Pics...

Holy crap my blog's still here!

Yep, I'm totally surprised.  I'm sure you are too.

Did you miss me?  I missed you.

We've been doing a lot, but I'll get into that in a bit.  Did I ever tell you about my quest to find skin care that worked?  This started about a year ago. I was so fed up with being 33 and still fighting zits - like worse than when I was in high school, yo!  So, I decided to bring out the big guns and try a line that was more proven than what I can get at Target.  Last winter was dry and not super cold, but cold enough.  The lady I saw at the skin care counter was very nice, but she told me I had dry skin.  I was like, you must be mistaken.  My skin is not dry - far from it.  Maybe today it's dry, but I do not fight dryness.  Oh yes, she says, it's dry.  Try the dry skin wash, toner, and moisturizer.

Well, it's not my job to know people's skin.  I really only know mine.  So, I take her advice and am doing well, but still breaking out - not as much, but still there.  I finally take a look at the moisturizer - there is OIL in it.  OIL! Uhhhh?? Did I not say ZITS?!?!

So, I took it back.  Got the oil free version.  Still breaking out.  I go back.  This time, I drag a friend and we get makeovers to boot.  I talk to a different lady and walk away with the Acne Solutions line.  And a TON of makeup - most of which is still slowly being used.

Within about a week, possibly 2, I'm back.  My face is SUPER dried out.  The foundation is way too orangey.  I buy some oil free night cream and am using that on my face as well as the normal moisturizer.  The Acne Solutions dried out too much.  Also, I learn the foundation I have is the lightest shade they have.  I am able to thin it with water, but have not bought their foundation again.  No big, right?  The whole point of this is to get my skin to a point that I don't need to wear make up all the time.

I go on.  I finally figure out the toner is causing more breakouts than it's worth.  I stop using it.  I go back to Acne Solutions Wash, Spot Treatment, Normal Moisturizer (without OIL).  Life goes on, it's summer.  It's working ok - still am unhappy with the occasional zit.

Finally, I run out of the wash and had remembered that I had gotten a sample of the oily skin wash, and toner on one of my many previous trips.  I try it.  My skin tingles.  It feels AWESOME!  I have found my wash!!!  I still get breakouts, but mostly when I don't wash my face like I should.

That's the story of my skin care journey.  I'll most likely do it again someday - only time will tell.

Oh, and the night cream?  My four year old uses it during the winter when her face dries out.  Because I don't need it.  (NOT DRY SKIN, remember?)

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Wondering what we've been up to?  

A lot of the same stuff as usual.  Working, playing, driving, busy, busy, busy.  Lately, when I should have been writing, I've been reading food blogs.  Searching out new and interesting recipes that I can lighten up and share with family and friends.  Or, as of almost a week ago, I've been eating like crazy at night.  I go through phases of this uncontrollable night eating.  In the summer, I can control it by leaving the house.  I'm too cold to do that now.  I'm not sure what to do, but I have to find a way to stop it before my weight loss turns to weight gain. 

This is one of the many beautiful sunsets/sunrises that we've been seeing around here.  Lots of pinks, and pastel colors.  I am a sucker for a sunrise or sunset and just adore staring at the colors of the clouds and how that changes so quickly and is gone when you blink.

This is the tree right outside the living room window.  It still had it's leaves on this foggy morning, the day before Thanksgiving.  I was really trying to capture the fog - it was crazy.  But, I got this beautiful tree on the last day it had leaves.  The next day, they were all on the ground.

 

Did I mention foggy?  I couldn't even see across the intersection as we drove to the grocery store.  I even missed the turn for the grocery store!  I've only been going there for 6 years, multiple times a week!  

This is what we did on the day after Thanksgiving.  You go black Friday shopping - we put on weird outfits - that were strangely similar to one another and spent the day playing the Wii and messing around.

This is Mia, entranced with the Christmas Tree. I have never seen someone that loves a tree this much.  Or the ornaments, would be putting it better.  I actually caught her eating an ornament last year.  Glass and paint in her mouth - I was in time.  No one was hurt.  But I was scared.  *Worst Mommy Moment (so far)*

And, I found a new photo editing app.  That let me take this not so awesome photo and make it a new fave. 

We hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

And, since it's Tuesday, and it's been awhile, I'm linking up with Gfunkified and MamaMash for iPPP.

How to make friends....

I've promised myself that I need to get back to writing, back to blogging.  So, I'm going to try to write everyday, possibly publish everyday and if the writing is deemed of quality in some way, or if I just need the attention, I will share to Facebook/Twitter.

In getting back into blogging, that also means back to Instagramming, Facebooking, Twittering, etc.  I did make up those verbs, but, it's my space so, whatever.  I have found so many other mom's out there.  Doing what I do - in their way.  Chronicling their lives, their feelings, their stories on their own blogs. So many that I feel like I know because of how much I read their blogs, see their pictures, follow conversations on Twitter.

Which makes me a cyber stalker doesn't it?  Ummm, yeah.  But!  I justify this cyber-stalking because they put themselves out there to be found, and I really would like to get to know these people better.

Some are really just un-attainable.  You know, like the popular kids in school?  Yeah - I'm never going to be cool enough to hang with The Bloggess.  But that's ok - she's funny and awesome, and I can be excited just to read her blog.

But then, you have other people, people that seem more attainable.  So, how do you move from cyber stalker, to cyber acquaintance, to cyber friend?

I'm awkward enough in real life that I have some tricks to make friends.  First, pacify with sugar, and lots of it:

 

The next thing I do is activities.  I can make fun faces:

 

 

I can share things, such as feelings, gossip, and most importantly, markers:

 

 

I can play some games, and I'm not a sore loser - unless we're playing Chess.  I like to win - always.

 

 

I can even play some video games!  I rock at Mario, and, while I'm not very good at it, I do like Just Dance.

 

 

Seriously - I am not good - you can beat me.  I'm a bad dancer.  Even the cat thinks so.

 

 

I can take some wicked awesome pics though.  And I can laugh at myself.  I sometimes can be a good friend.

 

But?  How do I present this to people that can't be swayed by my cakes and cookies?  By people that can't laugh at my dance moves?  How do you earn the trust of someone you really never get to see?

Any tips or tricks?  What are your moves?  Like Fat Monica told Chandler, I don't have any moves.  But would love to make friends out of some of the people that I cyber stalk.

I didn't mean for this blog to turn into some weird Craig's list add - MWF seeking Friend for sometimes sharing?

Oy, I am awkward to the max.  You'd think you could get away from that online.  Apparently not.

Slow ride; take it easy...

So, yeah.  I've been away from here for quite some time.  Gone, but not forgotten, my friends.  I've not been feeling like myself as much lately, but that feeling is coming back.  At least, I think it is.

I've been stressing, and stressing and stressing and at some point, you just have to lay that all down and let the cards tumble where they might.  Sometimes, you figure out that you can't change what other people do, how they act, how their words can make you feel.  What you can change is how you react to them.  How you let these things affect your life.  It may take me longer than others to figure these things out, but once I got it, I'm done.

So.  For the moment at least, I'm getting back to where I belong.  Worrying about things that I can effect, or change.  Stressing about things that are within my power to fix.  Or not stressing about the other things that people do, say or how they act.  I can start enjoying things again, the little things.  The things I may take for granted until they smack me upside the head.

Things like how my little miss Mia is growing up so fast.  She's four now.  FOUR.  She plans her wardrobe.  She uses the potty.  She wears big girl undies - even to bed (for the first time tonight - fingers crossed!).  She sings along to the songs on the radio and like to request Miley Cyrus.  She's fascinated by other people and is about as social as social gets.  She makes me laugh with her faces and the things she tells me.  She still likes to cuddle sometimes too.

Then, when I start to notice how sweet it is to old Mia's hand as we walk to Olivia's day care, and I start to wonder how much longer I will get to hold this sweet little hand in mine.  As I picture Mia as a grown up, and me holding the hand of our next generation.

Which brings me to my other much more grown up daughter.  The one that is testing her independence by going to the bathroom at the grocery store - BY HERSELF.  Or, who helps my by ordering the lunch meat from the deli counter.  Or, who decides to clean up for no reason (this actually happened once, about a week ago.  I thought I had died).  Or who goes off by herself to read.

This little girl who has been independent since day one.  This little girl that wouldn't cuddle, but would stare deep into your eyes while she took her bottle like she would drink up your soul with the bottle.  This little artist who would draw on everything, and everyone.  My little observer who would watch everything you do and imitate.  My little mini me in so very many ways.

This little girl is gone with an older version of her.  The little observer who has grown into a bigger watcher.  She doesn't miss a whole lot.  She is curious and wants to know about so many things.  She wants to show you the things that interest her, like math, and how she can do her multiplication tables.  The girl who has loves her cat, and loves her family, and absolutely adores being praised and having good attention.

These are the things I can't afford to miss, or to just let them slip by.  These are the things I want to think about.  About how to empower and adore and love both of my daughters in their own way.  Showing them how to navigate a world with poise and dignity, and how to treat other people and themselves.  These are the things that I will keep and I will let the others go.