It's only life, we all get through it....

I don't really know what I am going to write about today, but I sometimes, I feel like this:

I had titled this one "Sunshine and rain."  I kinda love this.  It's how I've been feeling lately.  I've come out of my post vacation depression.  Seeing how good things are at home.  I like my job, I have great friends, I have a great family, we are healthy, etc.  Things are good.  But, I also love the confusion in this picture.  Like, you know that there is sunshine, but you don't know just when the rain will come again.  Which is basically life.  There will be rain again, and then sunshine.  It's always right there, you just don't know when it will hit.

I've also been feeling like this:

The all-encompassing mess, which of course, is a shrine to naked barbies.  I cookie jar about to swallow a pink plane.  A random pony trying to join in.  Tinkerbell's fat ass off to the side. Maracas.  This picture is pure chaos, which is also what life has been like recently.  Both brothers at my house, neither steadily working.  Both sleeping late, staying up late, putting my dishes away in the wrong spots, Tony out of town, then back again, school starting, end of summer....chaos.

But, to deal with chaos and the stress, I find the things I like to do and do them.  This leads to things like this:

For Jory's birthday, I made a Pumpkin Nutella Pound Cake with Maple Pecan Glaze.  Was it good?  Yum.  Was it fattening?  Oh my goodness, yes.  But, I enjoyed baking it.  I love hearing about how much people like it, and it helps keep me grounded and calm in my world of naked barbies, third graders that drive you crazy, diaper rash on an almost 4 year old thanks to night time pull up use (and we couldn't identify it - poor kid suffered for a week before we got her to the doctor to tell us it was diaper rash), sunshine and rain.

THAT mom....

Oh my goodness!  These kids are DRIVING ME BATSH*T CRAZY!!!!

I have one that wants to eat all bad foods under the sun.  She wants crackers, and chips, and carbs galore.  Unless, of course, I make said carbs.  Then, she won't touch it.  Pancakes?  Did Mom make them?  Then, no.  Cookies?  Did Mom make them?  Then, no.  Cake?  Did Mom make it?  Then, no.

The other - not really better.  She just refuses to eat almost anything except fruit snacks, hot dogs, and goldfish crackers.  Cheetos?  Yum.  Mom made turkey burger? NO.  Cheese stick? YES.  Mom made hot dogs for dinner?  NO.  Seriously.  I made her favorite food for dinner last week, she didn't touch it.

Every night, every morning, every meal is a fight with these two.  Why do I do it?  Does it make me happy to yell at them?  No, not really.  Maybe sometimes I get some small satisfaction from making them cry (usually at the point that my frustration level saw it's limit diminishing from the rear view mirror).  Is it just the eating?  No.  I could make a huge list of the things that I fight with Olivia about, hair brushing, showering, eating, TV, but I won't.  Here's just one example that pushes me to my limit.

After arguing about bed time, she read to her sister like the good big sister she is.  Then, she was jealous that the cat was in Mia's room.  She went to grab him, when I told her to stop.  The poor cat is man-handled enough from her.  Then, I noticed the way the cat was acting - like he hadn't been fed.  But, I had asked told her to feed the cats when we were downstairs.  Now, she hadn't fed them.  I told her again to feed the cats.  "But, I'm tired."  Too bad.  She looks down to the dark downstairs.  "But it's dark."  Turn on a light.  "How?"

I'm not kidding.  How do you not want to scream at that?  This is the kind of thing she does to frustrate me, and it usually works.  Every time I learn how to control myself and get around her stubbornness, she finds a new way to press that button in me.  Some days (like tonight) I felt that control go and could not grab it back and it just ruined my night.  I am so tired of fighting with them.  I want to be the fun mom.  The mom that they love to be around, that they want to talk to, but I feel like I push them away at the same time.

I could have asked her to feed the cats instead of tell her.  I could sit with Mia to make her eat instead of yell.  For some reason, while I know I can do these things, I just don't.  I am the mean mom.  I am the crazy mom that harps on every little thing.  I am not the mom that I want to be.  I think some days, maybe some day soon, I'll actually start writing down all the things about the mom I want to be.  The home I want to live in with my family.  Maybe then, I can teach myself to be that mom.

It's the haps...

Do you remember that awesome slang from the '90's?  "What's the haps?"  We were so cool, I just can't take it anymore.

Speaking of cool, check out Miss Liv, all dressed up for the first day of school - today!  This kid has a wicked fashion sense.  I mean, seriously?  Either I'm too tired to fight it, or it really is starting to look OK.  Maybe I've just gotten too old and have departed the fashion train.

She is rocking a t-shirt featuring a cat queen and dog king.  A teal with white polka-dots skirt that in no way matches the shirt.  You may need to wear shades when you check the socks - they're hot pink!  And the shoes?  Whatever was on sale at Target - multi-colored fake Keds.  With the pink backpack and lunchbox to boot.  She looks awesome!  I love it!  And she was so excited to go back to school!

My third grader

Because she can't be left out, here's little Miss Mia having fun at the park sometime last week.

 

We've had some visitors...  Here is my brother Derrick, swinging the girls.  Apparently, they believe that their uncles are good for one thing - swinging them.  The question is constant, "Will you swing me?"  Since Derrick is not here that often, he has been the sucker for the past week or so.

In other randomness, we had this cat come to visit.  I picture the mental exchange going something like this:

My cats:  Hey man, what's up?

Other cat: Nothing, man.  Absolutely nuthin'.  How's the house?

My cats:  Oh you know.  SSDD.  Have you seen those chipmunks?  Try not to kill them and eat them OK?  We like to stare at them and imagine the ways we would torture them.

Other cat:  It's cool, man.  They're yours.  Besides, chipmunks scare me.  Didn't you ever see what those two in the cartoon did to that duck?  Yeah, no chipmunks for me.

My cats:  Yeah, they are scary.  Cool man.  See you around.

Other cat:  Yeah. Check you later.

Anyone else wondering why my cats seem to be dialogueing from Dazed and Confused?

We went bowling last weekend.  Why?  Because on Friday, I had a bowling outing with work and told Derrick that I bowled a 152.  His reaction?  Scowling, "We will go bowling this weekend."  Competition - is that hereditary?

 

Upper left: Derrick drinking water from the pitcher (not beer, thank you 21st birthday).  Clockwise: Derrick checking cell phone.  Nohemi and Jory, please disregard the large purse in the foreground.  Mia getting windblown by the air.  Center:  Tony with his strike sign.

Lastly, this past week (or two, but who's counting?), we tried Cinnamon Roll Waffles.  Um, scrumptious!  I found the recipe from punchfork.com.  It is like a search engine of food bloggers.  Super awesome for anyone who likes to cook and to try new recipes.

Also, Nohemi sent Jory over with a 5lb gummy bear.  Yep.  It's not bad.  But, it's gonna take quite some time before it's gone.  My guess is that at the end of next summer, it still won't be eaten and it will get tossed.

Lastly, I said goodbye to an old friend.  This mug has been with me since my days at the buck.  It was between 14 and 12 years old, but did not survive my punk kids knocking it off the arm of the couch.  Rest in pieces star mug.  I will search for an adequate replacement, but you will always be my first mug love.

OKC Bombing Memorial....

When we were scheduling our vacation, some time ago, we found out that the halfway point between Albuquerque and Chicago is between Tulsa and Oklahoma City.  After some discussion, a decision was made that we would stop for the night in Oklahoma City.  We reserved a room and prepared for the pool that was at the hotel.

I secretly was planning to visit the Memorial in Oklahoma City.  I still remember (somewhat) the bombing and how scary that was.  It still breaks my heart, more so now that I have kids, to think of the kids that died in this senseless act of violence.  I thought that taking my kids here would be a good thing for Olivia.  She's getting older and is starting to learn little bits and pieces about the world outside of her little sphere.  Not much - but things with her ruminate.

We got to OKC (I'm abbreviating because my fingers are already tired of typing the whole thing), fairly early and went straight to the pool.  After the pool, I Googled the location of the Memorial.  We were too late to go into the museum, but only about 6 or 7 blocks to the Memorial site.

It's hard to read, but the gates say "We come here to remember those who were killed.  Those who survived and those changed forever.  May all who leave here know the impact of violence.  May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope and serenity."

We set off through the incredible heat (111 or so), walking to the Memorial.  We scouted out some possible dinner spots to try to placate the kids for awhile so that we could look around the Memorial.  We were using Tony's phone to find the landmark, and came upon the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Plaza.  We walked around but were not seeing what we thought should be the Memorial.  Then, we came to the edge and looked over.  We saw the chairs and found out where we were supposed to be.

We walked out and past the fence.  There are still flowers, stuffed animals, letters, photographs, all entwined in the chain link.  Olivia wanted to know what this was, and I explained that people left these here for the victims of this violence, to let them know that wherever they are, they are not forgotten.

We walked inside the 9:03 gate, and saw that the middle was cordoned off.  We later would learn that this is usually the serenity pool, but was needing some work done, so there was no water flowing right then.  We could see to our left, a seeming meadow with trees and a building next to that.  On the the right were the chairs, and straight ahead was the 9:01 gate.

The 9:01 Gate (the Survivor Wall is just to the right of the gate).  You can see the 9:01 over the door.

Tony found a pamphlet that told us what everything was.  The chairs symbolize the 168 lives lost in this act of violence, the little chairs symbolizing the 19 children that died.  There are 9 rows, one for each floor of the building, and the chairs are placed in each row based on the floor of which the person was working or visiting.

The gates symbolize the innocence of 9:01 (the blast was at 9:02 on April 19, 1995), the 9:03 gate is the time the city was changed forever.

It's kind of hard to see, but its the 9:03 gate.

There is a rescuer orchard to thank all the people that helped rushed in to help the victims.  

There is a children's area with chalk board side walk tiles so kids can still share their feelings.  This was placed here based on the outpouring of encouragement from other children across the globe.  There is also a wall of tiles that children painted and sent to OKC.  

The Chalkboards

There is a survivor tree and a survivor wall.  Both bearing the scars of the blast from the bombing.

The survivor tree

This memorial was very touching and emotional.  I didn't know anyone that died in that act in 1995, but I remember being so overwhelmed by why something like this should ever happen.  Being emotionally torn for the victims, and the survivors.  I still don't understand violence in any way shape or form, and was truly moved to see this Memorial.

*Since all pictures were taken on my phone, I'm linking up with Gfunkified for the #iPPP*

What I learned - on vacation with Olivia....

I did this before with Mia - noting that vacations are a time for reflection, for reacquainting with family and spending time getting out of the routine.

Here are some of the things I learned about Olivia over this past vacation:

1. Girl does not want to brush her hair!!!  What a mop!  She refuses to listen to us about how and when to brush her hair.  Mostly because she has a double dose of stubborn  - from both parents.

2.  Olivia is quiet.  She is thoughtful and observant.  She is artistic and has an eye for the creative.

3.  She keeps working on something until she masters it.  She made about 15 friendship bracelets this trip - and handed them out to everyone.  She has greatly improved upon her first try.

4. She is learning how to keep things to herself to be nice.  Case in point - we went to visit my Aunt in the nursing home. She is very young, but is no longer herself.  Mia flat out told us she didn't like it there.  Olivia, you could see in her eyes felt the same way, but she worked with us to try to make it nice for my Aunt and to help out.

5. She is growing up before my eyes. 

6. She gains confidence in herself and her abilities every day.  She did the hike with us, in keds and a skirt - for 3 miles.  She was tired, and sometimes slower going uphill, but she did it and attacked those hills with the confidence that she could conquer them.

7. She is a great big sister.  Sometimes, she just wants to be left alone and to indulge in her own wants and needs - and who can blame her?  Most of the time though, she makes it a point to help her sister and look out for her.  She has fun with her sister and I love the bond that they have built.

8. She is really starting to get funny too - to go along with our sarcasm.  The day we left Kansas for New Mexico, we left early since it was to be the longest drive we undertook.  As Olivia was getting in the car, she saw that Mia was still sleeping.  She asked "What about Mia?"  I said, "We're going to leave her here."  Without dropping a beat, she responds "Bye, Mia!" with a smile and walks out the door.  I was tickled at her response.

9. Olivia is sweet and sensitive and really takes in everything.  She is a great kid!  We are lucky we got her.

I've got my body on my mind and my mind on my body....

It's the third day in a row that I have faced husband-less.  He's out of town, and should be back tomorrow.  As is typical to this rude change of my routine, I am now freakin' out.  On top of him being gone, we just got back from our very long vacation about 8 days ago.  Oh, and my brother came to visit over the weekend, and is back again.

My schedule, my routine, is not my routine.  There are steps to change, all the experts say.  You accept, you grieve, you deny, etc.  Right now, I'm railing and pissy about this change.  "Is it really a change?" I can hear you asking.  "Am I being a drama queen?"

Well, yeah.  You wanna know why?  It's MY routine that has been disrupted.  It's MY workouts that have been dropped with no one home to watch the kids.  It's MY issue that there is no one who will eat the food I cook and it's MY issue that I don't want to cook it. It's MY issue that this affects MY weight loss.  And, yeah, he left me some double-stuff Oreo's on top of all that.

My head is in a tizzy right now.  I know he will be back tomorrow.  I know that I can start getting my fat ass back into gear again when he is back.  I know that at that point I will start to feel good about myself again.

But.....

We are not there yet.  So now, with too little activity in my body, sitting in pajama pants and overheating because the windows are open to let in what meager cooling air will come in, and there's a light on inside so I will keep my pants on and not flash my unders at the neighbors because I am not that girl AND I will not turn on the AC because I've had about enough of that this summer.  I am in my head.  Thinking.  Brooding.  Worrying.  Planning.  Brooding.

I'm wondering if I will still obsess about my weight in a year or two, when I finally get to my goal.  Will I ever be able to fully embrace Olivia and let her be chunky?  Will I not over-analyze every choice she makes, wanting to make it for her?  How do I stop this?  How do I stop looking at her with a critical eye?  

I want so much for her.  I want her to be resilient emotionally.  I want her to be beautiful and to feel some of the power that comes with that.  I want her to feel beautiful.  I want her to feel confident in her own skin - knowing how smart, wonderful, caring and well-liked that she is.  I want her to stay out of her own head.

Can you hear me?  I want to deny how much she is like me.  I want her to be able to reign in her emotions.  I want her to love unconditionally.

How can I show her all that I've learned so that she doesn't have to learn the same lessons that I did?

Joining up:

History teaches us to spay and neuter our pets...

There are so many things running through my head right now, I don't know where to start, where to expound, and where to outright drop.

I have a list of blog posts I'd like to write. I wrote this list as I was trying to fall asleep the night we stayed in OKC.  I was worn out, and had fallen asleep pretty easily, but was woken once or twice as I noticed that Tony wasn't sleeping, but was up on the computer.  Then, as he came to bed, I really woke up. I got on the computer, started catching up on blogs that I hadn't read.  That's when I noticed how frickin' frackin' cold it was.  I looked in the hotel closet and actually found an extra blanket!  Hallelujah!  Not the thickest blanket in the chest, it was the only one I had.  I went to get a $2.00 bottle of water from the vending machine (seriously - $2.00), and came back to the room.  After about an hour or so of reading blogs, I finally decided it was time for bed.  As I threw off my blanket and started to freeze my pajama pants off, it finally dawned on me to check the thermostat.  You know, the one on the wall about 3 inches above my head while I was reading from the computer?  It was at 63.  63!  The daytime temp in OKC was about 114, so lets set the thermostat to sixty-frickin'-three?!  I upped it to a more desirable temperature, 72 or so, thinking that this should shut off the wickedly cold air.  As I went to bed, wondering when the vent would shut off, I started to notice a smell.  You know the smell.  The one that comes the first time you turn on your heat after summer?  Like somethings burning and it's not just the gas to produce the heat?  Luckily, my brain was turning at some sort of speed and I figured out that my over-achieving room air conditioner/furnace had switched to heat mode to heat the room from an icy 63 to 72!  I got out of my nice, warm, cozy niche in bed, went to that muther-luvin' thermostat and turned the damn thing off.  Finally - quiet (except for Mia's snoring) and a naturally warming room.

At this point, is when my mind would no longer shut down and I picked up the paper and pen that were conveniently left by the bed, and started to write down blog posts that sounded great, and that I was already beginning to write in my head.  About 12 ideas later, I finally fell asleep.

Some of those ideas have already come to fruition, amazingly enough.  However, since I wrote them when the idea was not necessarily fresh, I feel that they could be so much better.  That there could be so much more emotion to them, more of me in them.

As they are drafted, I continue to think about these posts and what else could be done with them.  Even after they are posted, I want to go back, edit them and make them better.

But, I'm not going to.  I'm going to use those ideas to make my posts better in the future.  I'm going to get better at pouring myself into a story, into my posts.  Maybe they will seem like fluff to me.  Maybe down the line I will look at them as necessary steps to propel my writing to the next level.  Maybe I will think they are brilliant (doubt it) and try to see it through the eyes of my kids as they read these posts.

Will my blogging, my writing, be the antique that gets passed down from me, to my kids, to my grand kids?  Will this be what they tell their kids so many years from now, "Using a laser to melt snow off the driveway is not difficult or time consuming.  Remember, you're grandparents used to SHOVEL that stuff with their own two hands and one back!  Look, we even have pictures!"

With that all said, and this rambling girl falling asleep at the computer, I will wrap this up and say, "Keep those thermostats normal, hang on to your history and spay and neuter your pets."

What I learned - on vacation with Mia....

Vacation is a time to cut ties with your routine, use some change, and get to know your family all over again.

I noticed some things about Mia lately, and these are what I have learned over the past two weeks with my little blondster (blond monster):

1. She has started to feel less familiar to me.  I believe this is because she is getting older, growing into her own personality and is really no longer my baby.  She will always be my baby, but she's no longer just mine.

2. Mia is still a mommas girl.  She routinely tells daddy that she doesn't like him simply because she would rather be with momma.  She doesn't do this to hurt his feelings, she is still learning about that concept.

3. Mia is her own person.  She is feisty, determined, sneaky, and sassy.  She has been called a pill, a pistol, a firecracker and a punk (by me).

4. Mia adores her older sister.  She wants to be by sissy, she wants to do the same things as sissy, she wants to be with her older sister as that gives her the greatest joy in life.

 

5. Mia likes to test her limits and ask questions.  She has recently learned that she can't say everything she hears (such as "Aw cwap!") and that some things are for adults only.  She has been heard telling her sister to shut up, saying shoot, duh-uh, really? and who cares?.  She has decided it's better to ask if she can say things rather than get tattled on by her sister.

6. Mia loves to be with her sister but hates to be bossed around by her sister.  She will yell, bite, hit and whatnot just because she doesn't want to be bossed, but wants to be her sister's friend.

7. Mia loves to be told she's pretty.  She wants to dress up, and she wants to feel pretty.  The smile on her face is so gorgeous - she literally beams.

8. She loves to milk things.  She tells me constantly that she is a big girl, until she wants to be held, then she's just a little girl.

I love this kid more with each day that passes and am so happy to get a few weeks to be together to learn how she changes every day. 

My Grandparents...

My grandparents are some of the coolest people I know.  I have been lucky enough to keep them now for 34 years!  Not everyone in this world is lucky enough to have grandparents that you can actually get to know, and know you and your kids!

My granddad worked for a railroad company for many many many years and did all sorts or work with that company.  He retired 20 some years ago and has been an avid tennis player, hiker and skier until his body just wouldn't let him do that any longer.

I felt like everywhere we went, we were surrounded by rails and this just reminded me of my Grandpa.

My grandmother was a stay at home mom to her 4 kids, and was able to get her college degree when she was a bit older as well.  She is also an avid tennis player, loves to walk and is sassy and opinionated.  She makes great cookies and a great brisket!  

My grandparents have been married for 62 years now.  We were fortunate to get to drive out to visit them as they live 1300 miles away.  However, it was one of the greatest and most relaxing times of our vacation.  My littlest is still asking to go to great grandma's house and really enjoyed hanging out with both grandma and grandpa.  My older got to help make cookies and make grandma a friendship bracelet.  My hubs got to fix a few things around the house for grandma and she was asking him to stay.  :)  I miss them as well, but we will get to see them in a month when they come out here!

My grandma has asked all of her kids and grand kids to make lists of the things of hers that we want when she either sells the house or, for when she and my grandpa are gone.  I have heard that people think this is somewhat morbid, or has gotten some negative reaction from my aunts/uncle.  But, my grandmother is a planner - and this is what comes naturally to her.  She understands that her family will want things to remember them by, and she can make the transition easier by planning where all the stuff will go.

Morbid or not, I had a great time scrounging through cabinets and closets and asking questions about all the wonderful trinkets and art that my grandparents have collected.  I loved hearing about my grandparents' parents and grandparents.  I loved seeing a kettle and 2 mugs from 1891, when my great great grandmother received them as a wedding gift!  Seeing the baby plate and bowl that was my grandfathers, or the candle holders that my grandparents received from their wedding.  Or, the china that was my great grandmothers, and her hutch which used to be in her house.

This type of history is so interesting to me.  I did sign up for so many things!  I hope one day, as I pass these on to my kids or grand kids that they are as awed by the history of some of this as I am.

Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa for a great visit and a wonderful time!!!

Sunrise over the mountains as we left my grandparents house.

The first Noelle...

Why the first? Well, she is the first Noelle I've ever met and she is the first baby for her parents.

 

Yes, this is the baby I've been anticipating for the last few months, the baby I've been very excited about.  I wanted her to be born on my birthday, but, I don't think she's into sharing just yet.

She is a beautiful baby girl, who has made it to one week old, today.

She is tiny with these long beautiful fingers and dark eyes.  She definitely has her preferences for clean, but noise doesn't bother her, somewhat like her parents.

 

She was born while we were out of town, so I got to see her for the first time yesterday.  My first thought was about how tiny she is.  She is almost to the size my kids were when they were born, or, I just don't remember my 2 being that little. 

I was and am excited to see my friend transformed into a mother.  She is doing so well!  I was impressed with her skills already at placating the crying baby and how the baby was completely soothed by her mommy in ways that she was not soothed by anyone else.  I loved listening to her talking about the baby sleeping with them, or how the baby already has preferences to clean diapers and doesn't like her bassinet. It is so fun to see my friend changed by motherhood.

She may be tiny, but she fits perfectly with her parents.

Welcome to the world, Baby Noelle!

Up the Mountain

Views

Yesterday, as part of our awesome vacation road trip 2012, we went up the mountain.  We are visiting my grandparents in New Mexico and had the chance to take the tram up the mountain and hike around.  Olivia did wonderfully well.  I am so proud of her.  She made it through the 3 mile round trip hike!  Of course, there was some complaining, some tiredness, but I really am proud of her and the way she just kept going.  She did so great!

Mia spent the trip back on daddy's shoulders, so he got some extra exercise.

Here are some pictures of the amazing views (Albuquerque on one side), the beautiful scenery, the cabin we hiked to and of course, my family.

Mia the destroyer

Scenery

Miss Liv

At the Cabin we hiked to

Tony (picture credit - Olivia)

People

Me (picture credit - Olivia)