My clouded vision....

In my Weight Watchers meeting, the other day, we were asked to think about making vision boards.  Basically, what we envisioned the future to look like, hitting our goals.  So, naturally, being against writing down goals, I skipped the next meeting so that I wouldn't have to build a vision board.  I probably shouldn't have skipped the meeting, but, I was at a loss.

I'm not sure what I want to happen.  I'm not sure I can envision hitting my weight loss goal.  I can't foresee what I will look like (really - that much different than today?).  I've been thinking about this, and letting it play in my mind.  Some of the things that I've come up with are:

1. Less tummy rolls when I sit.  I can wear a fitted shirt, but I see the rolls in pictures, in store windows.  I feel the uncomfortableness when I sit and have to pull the waist of my jeans up and over my rolls, at least so some of them can be hidden.  I see the belly in the jeans when I look down when I'm reading.  If I make it to my weight loss goals, will that be gone?  Or just smaller?

2. I overeat.  A lot.  Especially when I'm at home all week, with a small child that is not sleeping at night and is going through Tylenol/Advil withdrawal.  When things are happening beyond my control.  When the food is just nearby.  When I sit on the couch to read.  My body says it's full, but my mind sees this as a challenge.  How much can we eat?  So, if I hit my weight loss goals, does this mean that I will have learned how to stop over eating?  Will I stop craving chips?  Will I stop thinking about food as much as men think about sex?

3.  Then, there are the after effects of eating too much.  If I hit my weight loss goal, and I overeat, will I still feel the shame of overeating?  Will I ever get over the shame I feel for the way I eat?  Or the shame I feel for the way I look?  I'm not perfect, why do I feel like I have to look perfect?  Why do I look on my daughter with shame, like the way that she looks is a reflection of my poor parenting?  Do other mother's feel the same shame?  When your kids ask you to eat pretzels, or popcorn, ice cream, doughnuts, do you immediately tell them no?  Do you emphasize that these are treats and shouldn't be eaten all the time?  Do you let yourself have treats - without shame?

4. I hear people talking about how you won't be happy when your skinny, if you're not happy now.  Weight loss won't make you happy.  But, will it make me more confident?  I've lost 80 lbs, and I feel no more confident now than I did before.  If anything, I feel less confident.  Maybe because I'm closer to my goal now, so that when I see that I'm not there yet (store windows, mirrors, pictures), it's more of a blow to my self-image than it was before I got to where I am now.  Will I just find something else to obsess about?  Gray hairs? Wrinkles? 

I guess I'm still working through what I would put in my vision board. It looks like I have some questions to answer.  Maybe in finding these answers, I can find my vision.

Lapinskas Happenings....

It's been a busy few months for us.  I thought I'd share some pictures, and some stories of what has been going on.

Olivia turned 11!!  We attempted to do a cupcake tour the day after her birthday.  The day was cold (I'm talking 40's), rainy, and we had to go to Chicago.  We made it there, but our tour guide did not.  So, we went to one of the bakeries to warm up and figure out what to do.  We ended up going to see a movie, and then out to dinner.  

Thankfully, we were able to reschedule, and went yesterday.  It was a BEAUTIFUL day and our tour guide showed up and we all got totally hopped up on sugar.  Then, once the tour was over, we walked to the zoo.  We roamed the zoo for awhile, then met up with Derrick to have dinner.  Did I mention that Jory was with us for the tour and most of the day?  Hanging with both of their uncles is one my girls' favorite things.  We spent a whole lot of time walking in the city and came home with cake balls from the first bakery.  It was a great day!

Thanks to the tomato and pepper plants that Mia brought home from Girl Scouts, we built a garden!  The plants needed a new home out of pots, so we built ourselves a garden today.  In addition to the tomatoes and peppers, we've got strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, and many hot peppers for Tony.

Mia got her tonsils out (as you may know), and she's been very dependent on her Tylenol and Advil.  We are pushing her to not take any more, and are paying with our sleep since she likes to FLIP OUT at night and then no one sleeps (except Mia, during the day).  It's awesome.  BUT - since we've been able to be together all week, we got some fabulous park pictures.

We also had the last day of school, last day of soccer, some wicked storms and a dance recital. 

We also welcomed a new member to the family, Olivia's kitten Charlie (Barley).  Olivia picked him out and was her birthday present.

Tonsils....

Before getting in the car and heading to the hospital.  Mia was apparently being attacked by my hair.

Tony and I were in the waiting room.  Anxiously, but not anxiously.  Tense, but not tense.  Waiting to hear when Mia would be out of surgery.  I was reading a book, Tony watching a movie on his phone.

The doctor surprised us.  It couldn't have been 30 minutes from when we sat down in the waiting room.  And the doctor was in front of us.  Mia was fine.  She did great.  Her tonsils were out.  Her adenoids were enlarged as well.  They were covering 80% of her nose.  They had been taken out as well.  Did we have any questions?

No.  No questions.  I had to fight back tears though.  I was relieved.  The surgery was over and we could go back in and see her in a few minutes.  The adenoids and tonsils were out.  Which means that my little would be able to breathe, normally, for the first time in her life.

Excited!

I remember when she was first born and I worried about her breathing.  Every little sniffle, every place we went, every snore.  Every time she stopped breathing.  Sleep apnea in a baby is not fun for the mom.  I have been worrying about this kids' breathing since she was teeny.  

So, yeah, relieved is how I felt.

Rockin' her surgery gown.

I went in to see her as she was coming out from under the anesthetic.  She was crying and out of it.  I was asked to lay down with her on her bed, and I happily obliged.  As she calmed down, she fell asleep.  I listened to her breathe.  Freely, no snoring, no stopping of breath.

Relief.

Mia took this picture, while we were waiting.

She did so great too.  At the hospital, making the nurses smile, asking about what flavor of Popsicles would be available after the surgery.  Laughing and waving her arms as she got a 'ride' (when they wheeled the bed down the hallway).  She was even excited that I got to 'ride' too, after the surgery.

Afterwards, heading out, with her red popsicle mouth.

She's doing well.  She's eating today, much more than she has been eating.  She's taking her ibuprofen and acetaminophen when she needs them.  But, she's also sleeping.  Talking clearer than ever.  And breathing.

Cards from her daycare/summer camp.