Goals...

With 2014 literally a day or two away, I have been thinking about goals and resolutions.  I worry about writing goals.  Why?  I mean, the mythical "they" people love to tell you that writing down goals will help you to achieve your goals.  Then others believe this and start forcing you to come up with and write goals at work.  It's generally a pretty uncomfortable thing for me since I have still resisted acknowledging that this job is a career.  Really, I just need to accept being in my mid thirties (gasp) and being a grown up.

I digress.  I wanted to talk about writing down goals.  I have had the opposite experience.  Almost every time I write a goal, it doesn't happen.  For me, when I write something, I generally start forgetting about what I wrote.  But, I keep trying.  I'm going to write down my goals for this next year and possibly fail at them in a public way.

1. My fitness goal - I follow Greta of Gfunkified and absolutely love reading about her life, her kids and her fitness.  Greta set a goal to run 500 miles in 2013, and blew way past it - well into the 600 mile zone for the year!  I really was impressed with that goal, and decided to give that a try for myself.  My goal for 2014 will be to run 500 miles.
2. My weight loss goal - I have been on Weight Watchers for a little over 2 years.  I have lost 77 lbs. so far.  My ultimate goal has been to hit 105 pounds gone and I have hit a plateau and started having trouble this year.  I only lost about 12 pounds the entire year.  This is not bad and I am happy about the 12 pounds.  In 2014, however, my goal is to hit my overall goal (which may change to 100, not 105 pounds lost).  This means that I will have to train myself this year to watch what I eat even more and will have to learn how to control my night time eating.
3. My blog goal - this blog was started a little over 5 years ago, just before my baby was born.  It was meant to be a way to keep up with family that is all over the country.  The blog has evolved to being about what is going on in my life as a mom, a woman, a wife, a person.  My goal this year is to write at least once a week (hopefully more), to better myself as a photographer and photo editor, and to try new things - like project 365 or to get in more pictures myself.  I also will make it a point to read more blogs and comment on them.  I may also create a Facebook page for this blog as well.
4. My mom goal - I have two intelligent, beautiful, independent daughters.  My mom goal this year is to make sure that they are hugged and kissed every day.  I will tell them every day how much I love them.  I will go outside of my comfort zone and cuddle with them as much as possible, and try not to let them press my buttons as much.
5. My personal goal - I need to go back to school to finish my Master's Degree.  I have been putting this off and my goal is to set a time to actually go back.  My goal is to just get myself started on this again.

What are your goals or resolutions this year?

Mommy to the 47th power...

Here it is, 8:03 on a Thursday night.  I'm sitting at my computer, staring at this blank page, wondering about what I'm going to write about.

 I could write about things going on in the world, and comment on those topics. I could write about Illinois becoming the 16th state to legalize gay marriage.  However, I don't have much to say on the topic.  Love is love.  If you want to commit to someone to share your life with them, why would I want to hold that against you or stop you?  

I could write about this commercial for engineering toys targeting a girl audience for once.  I think it's awesome.  I also think my girls are way into pink princess crap, and would want directions on how to build all that stuff that was built in the commercial.

Speaking of children, I could write about how mine are driving me bat-crap crazy.  I could tell you about how, picking Mia up from pre-school should be a wonderful happy time.  But it's not because every day we walk past the Christmas Tree with the presents for needy kids.  And Mia looks in the basket.  And she cries because she wants "Monster High" stuff and we never get her anything and then she just continues to whine and cry.  I could tell you how, 7 minutes into being with Mia, she's said "Mommy" about 43 times and I am ready to find some Prozac.  Mostly because she's still whining, and unhappy, and every "Mommy" is not something I want to hear.

I spend the time trying to figure out why she's so upset with me and acting out to make me angry at her.  I try very hard not to get angry with her, but try to ask her questions and find out why she's unhappy with me.  She's happy at school, adores her teachers, but the minute we hit the door, she's suddenly pissy.  

I'm starting to think that the evenings are the worst part of my day.  I work all day long.  I leave early in the morning, many days before the girls are out of bed.  I spend an hour trying to get to work.  I work, bring my lunch, sit in my cube - the highlight of my day is when I go to run on the treadmill and watch reruns of "How I Met Your Mother" or "NCIS".  Then, I go back to work for the rest of the afternoon.  I spend most of my day alone.  There are few people sitting by me anymore, and I don't have many people to chit chat with.  Then, at the magical hour, I leave, to spend another hour and a half to get the girls at their two different day cares, and get home to cook dinner.  3 out of 5 days, we have activities - 2 days of dance, and grocery shopping.  Then we come home, and I cook a dinner that I am looking forward to, but the girls are not.  The girls watch TV when we get home, or I turn on my iPod while I cook.  We generally spend the next half hour to hour fighting to eat dinner before it's shower time and off to bed. This is when we fight to get the little one to stay in bed, or take a shower, or anything.

The evenings are spent fighting lately.  The girls fighting each other.  The girls fighting with me to get them to eat.  Me angry at them for not sharing papers from school, or for fighting with their sister, or for not eating dinner, or for giving their dinner to the dog.  You name it, lately, it's making me angry.  

Why is it that I'm not that perfect mom?  The one that picks up her children and is all smiles and happy?  The one that sits and plays with her kids, or does crafts with them.  You know that mom.  The perfect mom that seems to be just so damn happy to be a mom, to be with her kids, like that is the best thing on earth.  

I'm tired.  I'm cranky.  My skin is broken out.  My house is a mess.  I can't seem to get it to ever be clean.  We yell, like all the time.  I can't seem to figure out how to get out of the rut.  What to do to make things better.  The only thing I can figure right now, is that I need sleep.  It's 8:27 now, and my eyes do not want to be open.

Tomorrow is another day.  Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow.

Lately in the Land...

Ok, it's been a long time since I posted.  No reason other than busy.  I've had things, blogs, being written in my mind just about everyday.  I'm pretty sure I'll share them all with you - eventually.  :)

No, I really miss being here, and posting. 

Here's what's been going on over here in my little corner of the world:

Missy Mia got sick.  About a week or so before Halloween.  She had the symptoms of strep with a double ear infection.  My kids don't get fevers from ear infections, nor do they really cry about their ears hurting.  They sleep fine.  Until, it drips down their throat and causes strep.  So, every time we go into the doctor, it's usually 1 strep, 2 ears.  Here's some anti-biotic.  This time, when we went in.  The doctor was concerned about her coughing and breathing.  We got a couple of breathing treatments, antibiotics, and an inhaler for the little pneumonia-stricken lungs.  Let me tell you, it's kind of scary to go in and have the doctor look worried.  But, all's well that ends well, and she rebounded quickly and is doing great!

Both girls are in dance class, and they let the girls bring their costumes in for dance class.  Being the awesome mom that I am, I forgot Mia's costume.  But hey - at least I remembered her shoes!

Miss O was an '80's girl for Halloween.  I had fun with this costume.  But totally reminisced on dressing up like a '50's girl with poodle skirt and saddle shoes.  It's so weird to think that the fashion I was sporting as a kid is now going to be Halloween costumes.

Miss Mia as Snow White. Apparently, Snow White was rockin' a fro wig.  It just kept growing - like a chia pet, but a wig.

Trick or treating in the rain, with umbrellas.  We were soaked and happy to get home to put on our warm, dry, pajamas.

 

Tony and I had a kid-free weekend.  We journeyed to a far-off land called Oconomowoc Wisconsin.  It's outside of Milwaukee.  It was a beautiful area!  We stayed in this lovely old Victorian house that is a bed and breakfast.  We had a great time - good food, nice people, the weather could have been better.  But, it's November, in Wisconsin, what are you going to do?

Our first morning, we woke up early and sat in front of the window to simulate the sun-rise. It was cloudy and rainy, so mostly we snuggled and watched it get brighter.

 

This is the Bed and Breakfast.  Pretty, right?

 

Tony and I, holding hands. 

We spent the Saturday of our weekend in Milwaukee.  Literally walking around, seeing the sights.  We went to a Diners, Drive-ins and Dives bar, saw the river walk, the Lake, and these two lovely deer, next to the busy roads, in the little bits of forest between the lakefront and the buildings.

 

This girls were having a blast with their cousin at the Childrens' Museum.  

*Photo courtesy of Lisa Boese*

And, why would you go to Wisconsin and not stop at the cheese castle on the way back?  We picked up some cheese curds, mozzarella sticks, and a block of gouda, with wine and beer to wash it down.

 

And - I did my first ever official 5K!  A virtual 5K that was done on my treadmill, at home, where I can set the speed, run for 40-45 minutes, while catching up on the last season of "How I Met Your Mother".  It was awesome.  I may have been a little sweaty.  Just...a...little...

Today, I got to keep my little at home with my while I worked.  I haven't gotten to do this since she started pre-school.  So, we got a little cuddle time pictures in.

 

Emotional Walls and Pumpkin Patches....

I read something yesterday that the things that make you angriest about other people are really the things that you dislike the most about yourself.  This quote struck me as I have been thinking the same thing about my kid.

See, my Olivia is just like me.  So much like me that she gets on my nerves like you wouldn't believe!  There are many facets of my personality that I have had to work hard to overcome or change.  I changed them because I didn't like the results.  I didn't like feeling hurt, ashamed, made fun of, less important.

  I had an extremely emotional childhood/adolescence.  Everything would seem overwhelming to me, and then, I would cry uncontrollably.  When I was frustrated, I would cry uncontrollably.  When I was angry, I would cry uncontrollably.  Guess what happened when you would put all of that together?  I look back on that time of my life and feel bad for that girl, and for all the people that had to be around her.  You'd think that going through all of this would give me some understanding when this happens to Olivia.  While I have some understanding, I can't stand to listen to her cry for no reason.  To emotionally overload herself when she just needs to learn to get past those emotions and look at things logically.  I really wish this didn't make me angry with her, but many times, this makes me turn away from her.  I haven't figured out how to guide her through this time, and for the most part, I want to run away from her as fast as I can when she gets this emotional.  It drags on me, her tantrums make my ears bleed, having to yell over her to get her attention literally scrapes my throat raw.

The biggest problem with this is that it makes our relationship awkward.  I never really know what is going to set off her emotional roller coaster.  I don't walk on egg shells around her because I think that would never teach her that this is not acceptable behavior.  But, having this anger towards these outbursts, and how they make me feel out of control and helpless to help her has pulled me away from her.  I've built my own emotional distance to help me deal with this on an emotional level, but that distance has manifested in other parts of my relationship with her.

The problem is that I don't know how to fix it.  For my whole life, when things have gotten too hurtful, to risky to my self-esteem or emotional balance, I pull away.  It's a self-preservation tool that I have gotten really good at using and now, I'm worried that I'm doing it to my child.  My child that I truly adore, and love with all my heart, even when I don't like her much.

How do you tear down a wall you didn't even realize you had built?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On another, less emotional note, we made a trip to the pumpkin patch over the weekend!
We didn't get pumpkins at the pumpkin patch, but we were cold, even the hot chocolate and coffee couldn't warm us, almost got rained on, and definitely ran back to the warmth of our car when we could no longer take it.

Tony and I took a couple's selfie, after discussing how awesome it is to have slightly older children.  We were able to stand by ourselves, and trust our kids to play nicely and not make us chase them, while we got to chat and drink coffee and take this silly picture.  And, I need to teach Tony about photo angles and how much more flattering a picture can be.

We had some attitude to deal with (check Mia's face in some of these pics), but had a good time.  The sun came out sometimes, but mostly it was cloudy, no chance of meatballs though.  Mia adored riding the hay ride so she could stare at the horses.  Olivia was happy to chase after Mia, pet the animals, and try to get us to buy them popcorn.

Into my own little world...

Yes, hello, again.  I've been away.  And I'm sorry I've left you without nuggets of my craziness, and kept them all to myself.  Trust me, my kids and husband are dying for me to share with you again.  :0)

No really, I missed you.  I missed writing. But, I've been feeling overwhelmed.  Have you ever been so overwhelmed you almost didn't notice you were overwhelmed?  I mean, maybe it's become my norm, and instead of freaking out, I've crawled inside myself.  I've been reading like a madwoman, which is a refuge for me - a love, an addiction, something to do other than to think about all the things that need to get done.

I've been feeling overwhelmed mostly at home, and out of sync because instead of being overwhelmed at work, there has been time to do things.  But, I've been super lonely at work.  My old team, the people that sit near me, my friends, are doing a "remote pilot".  This means that they work from home, everyday for two months.  For me, this means that I sit by myself, looking out my window, listening to my headphones, looking forward to trips to the bathroom because at least I might have a conversation with someone.

As a result of all of this, I've crawled into myself, built my little crazy blanket fort of loneliness around myself, grabbed my book and my iPod and pulled away.

I noticed yesterday exactly how much I had pulled away, and noticing that, made me also notice how much stuff needs to get done that I haven't been doing - at work, at home, everywhere.  But now, where to start?  When to start?

Thankfully, someone suggested I send them pictures of my kids today, making me peruse the trove of pictures that I haven't yet shared - so first thing to do - upload my pictures and share them with you.

We've been busy this past few weeks.  Tony and I celebrated an 11th wedding anniversary.  I got a haircut (not pictured), and we took the girls for coffee cupcakes at Panera.

We joined family for their Octoberfest, in which the girls' cousin Hannah danced.  We got some great pictures of the girls altogether.

We had a big 5th birthday for Miss Mia, celebrating with Chuck E Cheese.

Tony's been upset with Mia's fashion sense.  I'm just taking pictures so that I can wear these outfits when I pick her up from High School functions, or when we all go to the grocery store together when she's a teen.

And, we've been getting some extra snuggle time.  And snuggle time is good.

My Grandma is 29....

When I was little, and I'd ask my Grandma how old she was, she'd always tell me "29".  This is how I learned that women don't always want you to know their age.

My Grandma's birthday is today.  In my mind, she's still 29.  Although, with a 35 year old grand-daughter, this is quite the accomplishment.

My Grandma is one of my special people.  She is one of the people that crosses my mind on a daily basis.  When I received the text this morning reminding me that it was Grandma's birthday and that I should call her, it was like a guilt-dagger to the heart.  I really mean to call my grandparents more often, but I am a terrible grand-daughter.  It's gotten to the point that I use my phone for Facebooking and texting, and not for talking.  But, that really is no excuse.  I need to make more time for my family, and to talk on the phone.  I need to work that into my schedule.

But... I digress.

It's Grandma's birthday today, a day to celebrate this special woman.  My Grandma is the feisty-est, funnest, most opinionated woman I know.  She gets her blood roiling in political debates, or towards you if you try to tell yourself (or her) that there is something in life that you can't do. I love to visit with her, because I have a blast with her.  Talking to her, hanging out with her, hearing her stories, I absolutely L.O.V.E it.  I had the funnest time going through her house last summer, seeing the "things" that she has, and she would tell me the history of all of these "things" from a table, to paintings, to a family tree, to family heirloom dishes.  I had such an amazing time with her, and that was so special to me.

My Grandma has influenced my life in many ways, but I would say one of the most important things that she has taught me was to value myself.  She has taught me that women are special.  Sisters, daughters, mothers, aunts, friends, women are amazing.  She taught me that I was important, that life was what I made of it, and to value myself and to make sure other people value me.  She is now and has been for quite some time a proponent of women's rights.  Rights to work, rights to decisions about our bodies, rights that some of us may forget are hard-won rights.

My Grandma has also shown me that being a mom is hard.  She wrote me a letter a year or so ago, after a post on the blog about my struggles with motherhood.  In this letter, she described a scene for me, where she was alone with 3 small girls, the littlest (my mom), in her first year.  She was describing how she was out on her back porch, crying into her coffee one early morning, because the washer had broken, my grandpa was states away for work for a few weeks, she had no car and was all alone and overwhelmed.  Thinking of this, picturing it, helps me to understand that motherhood is hard, womanhood is hard.  But I'm not the only one that has ever gotten overwhelmed.

My Grandma also has a great laugh.  A great sense of humor.  She has such a love of life, of getting out there, doing everything she can.  Embracing her friends, her family, her life.  I adore my Grandma and hope that one day, I'll be as wonderful of a Grandma as she is.

Happy Birthday, Grandma!  I love you!

P.s. Tony just told me that you are awesome, Grandma! :)

Hair today, gone soon...

So, I've been stressing out some lately.  It's probably the reason that I haven't been writing as much, or at least, one of the many reasons I haven't been writing.

You see, I've always had fine hair.  But, I had lots and lots of fine hair.  I washed my hair everyday, I regularly colored my hair.  I've had perms, I've straightened it.  I've slept in rollers, used velcro rollers, hot rollers, all different sizes of curling iron, crimpers, flat irons, hair dryers, round brushes, flat brushes, you get the idea.

I've had my hair short, I've had it long.  But this past winter, I started noticing that my hair was getting really dried out.  So, I started washing it less.  Every other day instead of every day.  At the same time, I noticed how thin my hair was getting.  How much hair was coming off of me in the shower.  My hair was pretty long, and due for a cut, so in March, we cut a few (3, maybe 4 inches off).

My hair looked better.  But, still, there was that nagging thinness.  Those overwhelming (to my eyes), clumps of hair falling out when I washed.  Not clumps like thick sections from one part of my head, but clumps of hair stuck to my hands.  When I pull it from my hands, it's so much, I can't let it go down the drain.  If I did, I'd have to clean the drain every week.  Ah, who am I kidding? Tony would have to clean the drain weekly, and that's just not right.

So, in typical Tara fashion, I avoid the doctor.  I talk to friends, I talk to my stylist (who pointed out exactly where I need to focus my attention - hello noticeable bald spot).  They suggest a shampoo/conditioner treatment product.  As well as a visit to GNC to get some Biotin.

So, I try it.  For about 2 months.  No change.

I start researching a bit on the internet, talking to other friends.  Maybe my iron is low.  I check my multi-vitamin and find that there is no iron in said vitamin.  So, I switch vitamins and wait.  And wait.  And wait.

No change.

Now, I'm starting to face the hard truth.  I am going to have to suck it up and visit the doctor.  I really dislike visiting doctors.  I feel like they don't listen, want to treat symptoms not problems, and in general, I'm just anxious and terrified that they think I'm some sort of crazy hypochondriac, and so, I avoid the doctor as much as possible.

After waiting some more and trying to get used to the idea of visiting the doctor, I have a couple of incidents that I feel light headed, and finally call the doctor.  I talked to her, talked to the nurse, explain my fears.  They do blood work and tests, and say they'll call with the results.

Last Friday they called.  Absolutely nothing wrong.  My tests came back normal, beautiful thyroid levels, low cholesterol, biotin and iron levels normal.

I said thank you and hung up the phone.  And spent the next 2 hours at work avoiding people and trying not to burst into tears.  How can all the tests be normal, and I'm losing my damn hair and my damn mind to go along with it?  Now, the anxiety is back.  I've got to call the doctor and keep her looking into this.  It's not fair!  I've always had great hair.  I love my hair!  And now, it's leaving me forever and I don't know why.

Now that my hair is wispy, dried out and thin.  It looks like that hair you see hanging from skeletons at Halloween.  I'm so not used to this.  I want to cut it short, mostly because of how dried out it is.  I want that part gone.  I'm a little terrified that there might be other bald spots that I can't see just yet.  And I'm scared that it will be so thin, that it will look terrible that short.

I figure, even if it looks terrible, or I have bald spots, I can invest in hats and scarves, right? 

 Oh my gosh, I really am terrified of this.  It's not right to lose your hair.  I don't believe I have anyone else in my family (female) that lost their hair, but I don't necessarily know.  This is playing on my mind all the time.  It slaps me in the face when I go to look in the mirror.  I'm reminded every time I pull my hair back to go workout, by how thin the ponytail is.  I'm reminded when I twist it into a bun and its so small, I immediately untwist it and hope no one noticed.  I see it when I walk past my reflection in a window and see the thin wispy strands blowing in the wind.

I can't stop thinking about this and need to talk about it.  If I don't, I'm going to stress myself right out of the hair I have left.

Dinner time is special time....

Lately, I've been trying to make dinner a tad more special.  I almost always am cooking up a new recipe, or bringing back an old favorite.  My kids tend to remind me of Garth from Wayne's World.  You remember that part, where Benjamin (Rob Lowe) is trying to talk to Garth about having the sponsor on the show weekly, and Garth (Dana Carvey) has the weird helmet and is working on some sort of mechanical hand?  Just before the hand starts moving, Garth says "Change? We fear change."  

Yeah.

That's pretty much my kids.

Which is why, like a glutton for punishment, I try new recipes 3 to 4 times a week.

In an effort to try to trick them into focusing on something other than the food, I used a gift card and purchased some table clothes, cloth napkins, place mats, plates and pulled out our dusty wine glasses and started setting the table.

It worked. Like twice.

This is a typical dinner scene in my house.

The table is set, looking very nice.  The house smells lovely, like garlic and herbs. Wine glasses are filled with milk, juice or water.

The kids noticed that the camera had come out, so I got some smiling faces prior to dishing out the food.  *Please note, I had already heard from the older one that she "wasn't hungry".  This is code for "I don't like what you are making.  I'm not even going to try it.  Why do you hate me?  I fear change."

 

Then, the food was doled out.

One was adamant about not even trying it.

The other seemed to like it.

Yep.  This is dinner time at my house.

And because I happened to catch an awesome face directed at her sister, I just had to add it.

Social Situations make me nervous...

Last night was Curriculum Night at Mia's preschool.  And, I went.  I don't know why, but I felt like either Tony or I should go.  It's not like we don't know/understand the curricula.  Olivia went to the same preschool.  In fact, Olivia still goes to day care there.

So, why go for Mia's curricula?  I don't know.  It's not like I didn't have 8 million other things to do.  It's not like I didn't just finish a work from home day, that included meetings for 75% of the day.  And my computer didn't crap out on my 4 times - during said meetings, while on the phone through my computer.  It's not like I didn't have to go to pick up the girls, come home, get Mia dressed and immediately run her up to dance class.  After which, I wanted to get to the grocery store, but didn't have time.  It's not like I wasn't able to make the dinner I had planned for lack of time.  The kid ate hot dogs. 

Then I went to curriculum night.

Being one of the 5 parents that showed up for Mia's teachers (2 couples and me), there was definitely a spotlight on the 5 of us.  I couldn't hide in the back, like I would normally love to do.  I wasn't able to observe.  They put me on the spot asking me what goals I have for Mia for preschool.  And what is one unique thing about your child. 

For me, this is just torturous.  I do not do well in social situations, with people I don't know.  I do not do well being put on the spot to come up with some great answer to your questions.  I am awkward.  I over think.  I am nervous.  And now, I think I've frightened my kids preschool teachers.

Here's my goal for Mia - I want you to be able to write an M, every time, no longer mistaking W for M.  Here's Mia's uniqueness - I tell her to keep pedaling her bike, she tells me she knows.  She can't/doesn't do it, but apparently she knows.  My four year old (almost 5) says some of the most grown up things I've ever hear - and usually understands what she is saying.  She's going to have my number as she gets older and has a remark for everything.  She wants to understand everything you tell her.  She wants you to explain everything to her.  She doesn't want to go to sleep because she's afraid she'll miss just one thing.  She tells me she wants to keep me.  She just melts your heart, pretty much every day.

What did I tell the teacher?  Nothing.  I told the teacher that I couldn't think of a unique thing about my child.  Yeah, that made me feel like the mother of the year.  A goal for Mia?  I asked if could bring that back in.  I was absolutely lost.  Then, my mouth started moving, and I don't think my brain had anything to do with the words coming from my mouth.  I said things about how it scares me that my 4yo is over friendly and she has a new best friend every day and how that seems odd that she doesn't understand how long someone should be a best friend.  That really doesn't frighten me.  But I wasn't coming up with the words that truly expressed how I feel.  Or that I know my child at all.

Today, when I picked up Mia, the teacher barely said "Hi" to me, even though I smiled and said Hi to her.  Ugh.

So, yeah.  I'm awkward.  It's one of the reasons that I blog.  It's one of the reasons I was good at radio - I got to talk to you, and never had to see you or get feedback from you.  It's one of the reasons that I don't make new friends.  And it's one of the reasons that I will be a nervous wreck if I ever set up a meeting with an online friend, to meet in real life.

Hi. My name is Tara, and social situations make me nervous.

This kid doesn't make me nervous though.

One day....

My daughter is upstairs right now, attempting to make her bed.  She is super-frustrated, crying, telling us it doesn't work, she can't do it, why does everyone hate her?  We've shown her how to make her bed about 85 times.  We've only helped her make her bed about 273 times.  Now, we're at that point.  The point where she needs to sink or swim on her own.  If we don't she'll rely on us to do this for her for the rest of her life.  And not just making the beds, anything she deems too hard to learn.

Right now, this is my life.  That hard part of growing up where you have to learn to cut the ties for the good of bringing up self-sufficient independent people.  It's hard to do this, mostly because of the severe emotional outbursts from a pre-pubescent little girl that somehow has turned this into all of us disliking her.

Here's my little secret.  The thing that makes me able to walk away while she is tormented and crying.  The thing that I look forward to and even makes me smile.  

One day, she'll have a child.  

Oh.Y.E.S.

One day, she'll learn that she has to cut those ties to teach her child how to figure things out on her own.  One day she'll go through the emotional outbursts and drama.  One day she'll hear all about how everyone hates her child, all because she is making that child make their own bed - without help.

One day, she'll call me and vent about how hard it is.  She'll tell me how she can remember being in that emotional turmoil herself and how happy she is to be a grown up now.  She'll tell me how much it hurts her heart to have to be such a "Mean Mommy."

And I'll listen.  That will be my job, then, so many years from now.  While I sit in my own home, far away from the sounds of angry pre-pubescent children.  In a clean house, drinking coffee, or wine, or margaritas.  On my sun porch, or swing, because I won't have children's toys littering my yard.  And my laundry will be done because, I'll only have mine and my husband's to do.  And I'll listen.  And I'll do my best to console her.

And when I hang up the phone, I'll tell my husband all about her problems.  And we will have a good evil belly laugh! As we sip our drinks, on our quiet porch, watching a sunset, or enjoying a bonfire, we'll laugh, because once upon a time, we were in the same place.

Summer of fun, sun, bacon and gnomes...

Oh my gosh!  Apparently, I went out, worked hard to get my blog designed, got the new design up, and promptly forgot to write anything.  Awesome!

So - how have you been?  I haven't been writing in these parts for so many reasons, one of which is supreme extreme business.  Not just extreme, but supreme extreme.

This has been such a crazy summer.  The weather has been bi-polar (pretty much business as usual in the Upper Midwest).  We've had some birthdays, visitors, so much going on.  Let's see if I can get some of it out.  And, of course, there are pictures.  I mean, it wouldn't be a blog of mine without pictures, right?

One of the biggest things that has happened to us this year is that we finally got a dog.  Oh my, how we have been wanting a dog.  First we had to get a fence, and then a dog door for when we were away.  With the help of a friend, we found our Joe-Joe.  He is a super-sweet and loving dog.  Sometimes, you forget that when you add to your family, it's not just an adjustment for the newest member of the family, but for the entire family.  We've spent the past 8 months or so getting used to each other and our quirks.  Joe-Joe has some problems with separation anxiety.  He pees in our house when we leave him alone.  We are still working on the best way to deal with this problem.  We've tried a few different solutions for this, but none have worked.  Our next move is to hire a dog walker for the days we are not at home, and crate him for those days.  I'm not real fond of the idea of crating the dog for long periods of time, but I'm also not fond of pee in my house.

Joe-Joe can show some other behaviors that we have learned to deal with - namely jumping on the table when no one is around and getting into the garbage.  These are a bit easier dealt with by making the table top and garbage much less accessible to him.  All in all though, he's a sweet friendly dog and he is really a part of our family.

Speaking of family, we had to put down my cat in late June.  This is the first time I've ever had to be there with a pet as they died.  My heart still breaks when I think back to leaving him there.  That was one of the most emotionally wrenching times of my life.  I miss my Mackles all the time, and hope that wherever his spirit is, he's with a family that loves him as much or more than we did.

Ok, I have to move on from that.  In July, I turned 35.  Good God, only 5 years until 40.

We've been pretty active this summer; walking trails, riding bikes, running.  We also made it a point to sign the girls up for tons of activities through our park district.  We've done swimming lessons, Little Chefs, Super Sports, Baseball, Floor Hockey, etc.  Thankfully, with all of this, we were able to luck into finding cheaper child care, with more activities.  Whoot!!!

Lots of family came to visit us this summer.  My dad and step mom and their dog came and stayed with us for a week.  It was really their first time to Chicago, and we had a good time showing them around.  The family really enjoyed having them come and stay.  They were so relaxed and just really seemed to enjoy being here and being with us.  We are looking forward to the next visit!

My little sis came to visit twice!  And the second time she joined us for our family vacation/last hurrah of the summer.  We took time off of work to do a small trip to Michigan (which was super fun even though we basically ate, and walked, and window shopped, and ate, and swam in the hotel pool and ate).  We didn't go for long, but also did some touristy things in Chicago such as a boat tour, and taking pictures at Jeweler's Row, or at State Street, or the Picasso in Daley Plaza.  I'm not going to bore you with all of those pictures, but there are definitely a few to see.

Sandwiches as big as your head, with a pound of bacon. B.A.C.O.N.

Olivia participated in the town-wide gnome hunt.  Like a scavenger hunt for gnomes.  She had a blast, as did we all searching for those crazy gnomes.

The place that we went has a Christmas Store that is as big as 6 football fields, and is open all year long!  So much fun to go to a Christmas store in a sundress!

 

We seriously had the most beautiful day!

While we waited for the locks to let us into the Lake from the River.

We also got to visit with a my aunt and uncle and cousins, cousins spouses, cousin kids, my other aunt and uncle and cousins and even an exchange student!  I've done our 16.5 mile bike route with the hubs, little sis and even with Olivia!  Almost every waking moment I've been trying to move more and be more active. Hmmmm... sounds like another reason I haven't been writing.  Now that the summer is over, this happened:

That's right.  My baby started pre-school.  *sniffle*

And mostly because this picture is too cute not to share, from having dinner with the aunts/uncles/cousins/exchange student/Geraldo etc.  Mia stole my aunts glasses.  She is the cutest little old lady/young hipster I've ever seen.