The road...

I was getting ready to go to sleep tonight, when I noticed, I just wasn't tired.  What to do with extra time? I watched Chicago Fire (mostly to see Lt. Severide), and it's a good show.  But, now that it's over, what to do?  My kids are asleep, my hubs is downstairs, the cats can't be bothered, I'm bored with facebook, twitter, etc. and my phone is down there too.

Lo and behold, I do have this crazy computer, and I blog that I sometimes write on.  I could take a minute to write!  What a novel idea!

Lately, I've been around less.  It seems like this writing thing has to find it's way in though.  I am busy.  I am stressed.  I am overwhelmed.

I got sick this past week or so, thankfully getting over it.  But, between fighting the cold, fighting my stress, promising too much and giving too little, I wore myself out a bit and needed to find some time to rest.

Do you ever have bleed-over from your work life to your real life and vice versa?  Like, when you get stressed at work or overwhelmed, it makes you do less at home, which may make you feel more overwhelmed because there is always so much to do?  And when your home life is making you unhappy, you may dive happily into work to think about your home life less, but notice that you are still stressing out - now even more because this feels like it's all you have?

Yeah?  That sucks.

But, that's how it is for me too.  I've been stressed out and thinking and planning.  I've become very angry, and not expressing it in the most healthy ways.  I'm tired, I'm cranky.  I'm pretty pissy lately.

I don't necessarily like the me that I am right now.  I also don't necessarily know what to do to change that.  Mostly because I am swamped with stuff to do, at work, at home.  Thankless tasks, repeated tasks, no rewards, only those in my head.  Sometimes, those rewards in your head is not enough.  Sometimes, you start to feel lost.  Sometimes, you see that open road and want to take it.  Find out where you will go.  Will  you repeat the same mistakes you've made in the past?  Would you finally follow that dream?  What is the collateral damage that can be caused by following that dream?  What is acceptable collateral damage?  OR - would you end up in the same situation - doing the same thing - wishing for that next fresh start that might, or might not, come down the road?

I need to better my own situation.  While the road beckons, it is not something I'm ready to try just yet.  I need to learn from bad situations in the past, and try to do things the right way.  I need to get in gear and get stuff done.  But, I also need to take care of me.  Somehow, someway, I need to keep tabs on me and make sure that the me that I want to be is never very far away.

But maybe, I'll see you on that road someday soon.

Pumpkin Farm Pictorial...

'Tis the season, you know.  For pumpkins.  And pumpkin farms.  With pet-able farm animals (smelly), horse-drawn hay rides, corn mazes, hay stacks and of course - photo ops.  We went to a local farm today.  It was great.  A beautiful day for a ton of beautiful pictures. 

The scenery was gorgeous!

From the hayride.

View from the corn maze

They have this little steam engine train.  We didn't ride it, but you can see it in the background.

Autumn

The light is so great in this pic.

Making faces.

Autumn

They were having a civil war re-enactment.  Tents, soldiers, ladies in old fashions.

Self-portraits on the hay ride - Tony and me.

Mia and I

Olivia and me.

In the corn maze

Hallelujah!  We found the exit from the corn maze.

Photo op with the punkins

Picking a pumpkin

Quiet...

It may be the time of the year.  The time when the leaves change colors.  Your shorts go back into hiding.  The days get shorter.  The sleeves get longer.  The layers get thicker.

I've been quiet lately.  Quiet internally.  Quiet externally.  Quiet on the "inter-webs" as a co-worker would say.

I've been contemplating.  Thinking.  A week ago, internally, I was a riot.  I literally thought that my head might explode if my mind would not shut off.

But, my mind has slowed down.  I am not overwhelmed by my thoughts, by my feelings, by anger, by depression.

I am happy, to an extent.  I am making changes.  Looking to get past some things that have been holding me back.  Looking forward to changes that are overdue.  Changes that could change life.

What things have I been thinking about?  Important things like, what I want to do when I grow up.  I want to have a career, but I don't know what I want that career to be.  Also, what are some new dreams?  Many of my dreams have come to fruition.  What are my new dreams?  Or, is it my new dream to help others achieve their dreams?  To help them through transitions?

I've been thinking about less important things, such as the possibility of taking a vacation - alone. 
Doing something I've always wanted to do, going somewhere I've always wanted to go.  But doing it without kids, without a husband, selfishly, for me. 

Even contemplating what it means that we are here, with intermingled lives.  How we impact each other.  How we don't.  What is the meaning of us living?  How do you make your mark?

If you've missed me, that's where I am.  Inside.  Introverting.  Thinking.  Preparing.  Hopefully, I'll be back soon.  Blogging.  Telling you all about it on Facebook, on Twitter.  Picturing it on Instagram, or Pinning it on Pinterest.

Soon.

My modern family....

I've been watching some of my favorite shows lately, as has many many of you out there.  Two of my faves are Parenthood (seriously? this show is like crack to me), and Modern Family.

This got me to thinking about family.  Have you ever felt more connected to a TV family than to your own?

Have you ever thought, why don't they write a TV show about a family that doesn't talk to each other?  Maybe one where the kids grow up and want to have a family bond like they see from other families, but don't really know how?  Maybe one where the young parent strives to create a family bond, but can't seem to stop pushing their kids away?

Oh yeah - that probably wouldn't sell.

Do these TV families really exist?  Yes, I think so.  If not, is this just a dream-land?  Yes, parts are definitely contrived, but there are families out there that are just as close, right?  Ones where the parents have set that strong tie to their children.  Families that make it a point to speak to each other, hang out with each other, talk, listen, be there for each other?

This is the kind of family I want.

I want my girls to grow up and stay close to me.  I want to be there for them, through good times, and bad times.  I want to be a part of their lives - for the rest of their lives.  I want to experience the joy of grand kids, and watch as my kids struggle to figure things out.

I'm just not sure that I know how.  I'm not sure that I can have this family bond.

I feel like I push my kids away.  Sometimes, I do the same thing with my husband.  Sometimes, I just want to dump my kids on him, and run screaming away from my life.  These kids get on my nerves.  No matter what I say to them, they don't listen.  It's so frustrating repeating myself, or watching them make mistakes, even though I can help, they refuse it.  Honestly?  They are just as hard-headed as I am.

So, how do I do this?  How do I get that TV Family?  How do I nurture kids that want to stay near me, if not physically, at least emotionally?  Do I just reign in my frustrations?  Do I actually run screaming away?  How do I not scar them for life and ruin any relationship I might have in the future?

I want that TV Family - I just don't know if I am working toward it or against it.

Halfway there....

This has been a quick month or so with a few celebrations for my family.  We had the big 10 year wedding anniversary.  The little turned 4 last week.  And this weekend, I hit my 50.

50 what?

50 POUNDS LOST!!!

(whoo-WHOO!!!!)

That's right, ya'll!  I have been doing Weight Watchers for a little over a year, and I have officially hit my 50.  I am really proud of myself - selfishly or not, I haven't felt this good in awhile!

And, because I'm feeling good, here are some things that I can do now, that I couldn't last year:

1.  I can cross my legs, comfortably, left over right.  I am working to train my right to go over my left.  But, I can cross my legs.

2. It doesn't take my breath away to climb stairs.  And, I don't dread it - I actually make the extra trips as opposed to begging Tony to do it.

3.  I raced Olivia up the stairs tonight, holding Mia, while Olivia tried to tug on my shirt.  And I won.  I didn't give up, or put Mia down.

4.  I don't have to eat all the food.  It doesn't call to me like it used to. "Tara - you know I'm here, and you aren't full, so just come eat some cheese, crackers, brownies, cookies, more ham and anything else you want."  Now, I can grab something, walk away and not constantly be thinking about what was left.

5. I can have one bite of dessert, enjoy it, and not need to have more.  It feels good to be more in control of my eating.

6.  I can wear skirts. I have decent legs and I can show them off.  I'm even going to buy real boots this winter - hopefully with some heal!

7.  I can shop at the stores I like again.  I am not forced to only shop online!

8. I can walk for 4 miles - and do it in close to an hour.  Oh YEAH!

9.  I can make healthy dinner for my family, or even not so healthy.  But, I plan it, and point it and know what I am going to eat.

10.  I can feel sexy again.  It's somewhat nice to catch guys looking again.  Especially, my husband.

I rewarded myself with a new Coach purse that I purchased in July.  I wouldn't let it be used until I hit my 50.  Now, it's out and I'm so excited to be using my 50 lbs purse.  Do you want to know what I am going to reward myself with when I hit my goal?  Yeah?  Tony has agreed to carry me over the threshold when I hit my goal. To really welcome me to my new, thinner life.

And, just for kicks, here's my before shot, and what I will now call, my half-way to goal shot:

Before (c.2010)

Halfway

My baby's a big gurl....

Today is the last day I have a three year old.  She turns four tomorrow.  I remember 4 years ago, at this time, I was going to bed knowing that I would get up the next day, head to the hospital and have a new baby before lunch.  Which is exactly how it happened.  There were no surprises (except the mole on her back and the folded ear), there was no labor, the scheduled section was as easy as could be and three days later I was home with my newbie.

Now, this strapping lass is giving me a run for me money with her sassy attitude, joy for life, the way she runs everywhere she goes (yes, just like Forest), and continues to try to see what she can get away with.

Happy Birthday, Little Love!

AND....because I have been internalizing for the past week or two (slowly coming out of my shell again), here are pictures from this past weekend.  We visited with Tony's family, and went to a carnival, watched a dance performance, ran around like maniacs, ate fair food and ended the night with a parade of lights.  The girls got to hang out with their favorite cousin, Hannah and we all had a great time!

Enjoying the motorcycles...

Yeah, baby!!

Horsies!!

Now that they figured out where the camera is, I can get no more smiles.

Olivia really enjoying the trucks.  Debbie Downer anyone?

Mia's just as surprised as I am that something I planted actually bloomed!!!

OK, not really.  She just really likes flowers.

And because this is all about Mia, and she loves to shake her booty, this is the pose I got for the last picture of the day.  Shake it, girlfriend!!!

Also, since almost all of these pictures were taken with my phone, I am linking up with the Gfunkified and Mama Mash for iPPP.