Springy Project 365 Week 16....

It's been a lovely week.  Warmer weather, a holiday, family, food, etc.  The daily tantrums from a five-year-old fashionista who JUST.WANTS.TO.WEAR.SUNDRESSES.

Thursday, April 17

I noticed, late in the day, that I had not taken any pictures.  So, I handed my phone to Olivia and asked her to take a few.  This was the best of 4.  Her coloring of an Easter Bunny.

Friday, April 18

What the crap, Target?  I can usually get a cart at Christmas!  On Good Friday, Target was so busy that I had to wait for a cart.

After a long day of shopping, cleaning, softball practice and brother visits with train station pickup and drop offs, mama was too tired to make dinner.  Chili's to the rescue.  Olivia was practicing her balancing skills.

Mia just looks thrilled.

Saturday, April 19

Since we plan on going out to dinner on Saturday's, we went to Texas Roadhouse (Olivia's choice).  Mia channeled a chipmunk for this picture.

After dinner, we went to the batting cages.  Then stopped for ice cream for the girlies.

Sunday, April 20

Playing/learning checkers as we wait for people to come to our house for dinner.

The day was just gorgeous, so we played outside, wishing everyone a Happy Easter via chalk on the sidewalk.

Monday, April 21

While sissy has dance class, mommy and Mia went to Starbucks for a treat.  Coffee for mommy, and cake pops for blondie.

Tuesday, April 22

Apparently this is how a 9 year old multi-tasks watching TV and doing homework.

Wednesday, April 23

Not surprisingly, we then had an early morning math lesson to complete the homework.

Spring? Snow? Project 365 Week 15....

What a long week.  I think I figured out why it feels so long - mostly the change from spring to summer to winter to spring again.  All in the course of a few days.

Thursday, April 10:

First, we started off with a softball lesson.  We needed to review positions, running bases, how to move to the ball, etc.

Apparently, the softball lesson was a bit much for Olivia and she went sticker-crazy.

Friday, April 11:

A beautiful night for softball practice.  While Olivia practiced, Mia played at the playground.  In her pajamas, silver sparkly shoes with two different socks.  Yes, I'm serious.  That's what she was wearing.

Saturday, April 12:

We had another warm day.  The shorts, sandals, and sidewalk chalk came out.

This lucky girl got to go hang out in the city with these two goons.  In case you are not familiar, these are my brothers, Jory and Derrick.

After dinner, we were walking around Logan Square and found this awesome sign.

Sunday, April 13:

I actually told her to smile.

This is how roll at dinner time, at a restaurant, practicing our eye crossing skills.

Monday, April 14:

And then it snowed.  Yes.  Snowed. 2 days after it hit almost 80.

Tuesday, April 15:

Seeing my kids outside, on the swings, with the snow melted makes this winter-wary mom happy.

Wednesday, April 16:

This is my companion when I work from home.  This face says "Put the camera down and pet me."

How do you explain what it's like to be a mom?

The other night, I was driving Olivia home from dance class.  She was explaining to me about her teacher.  How the teacher is pregnant with baby number 3, due in May or early June.  How her teacher hasn't been in school much because she's been sick, or her kids have been sick, or she has other mom-ly duties.  Olivia seemed a bit bewildered and a little hurt that her teacher wasn't going to be in class a whole lot this month.  I felt immediate sympathy for the teacher and tried to explain to Olivia what it's like to be a mom.

That's when it hit me.  You can't explain this shit.  

And a double-whammy.  I read an article earlier this week trying to explain if it's worth it to have kids.  Do the benefits outweigh the losses?  She basically said the same thing.  It's really hard to explain to someone (like my daughter) who doesn't have kids.

Well, I think I should try.  If anything, I need to be able to explain to my daughters someday, right?

First things first.  Everything changes. Yes, your body, your sleep schedule, your brain, you've heard it before right?  OK, here's something that at least I haven't read or heard about.  Your relationships change.  Those relationships with friends that were so easy before?  They become ridiculously hard to maintain.  Right - you don't have a lot of time, or sleep, etc.  But, you also don't remember what it's like to talk about something other than kids.  Because they take up all of your non-work time.  They interrupt you while you try to watch TV or read, or pee.  Once they start talking, it's "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" 497 times in the 3 hours you see them (from picking them up to bed time).  You start to forget about that time in your life, when you would talk about politics, or gossip about work  and friends and go to movies that weren't rated G.  You don't forget completely, but you forget how you navigated through that life.

On top of all that, your familial relationships change.  You start to see that your family are not the judge-y moms from the playground, the competitive ones from the pre-school, or the all natural moms.  Then you hang out with your family more.  They become more friends to you because you can hang out with them, and they even like your kids.  And, let's get started on the parent relationship.  Your parental relationship gets different.  For me, it became more complicated in my head.  I started to have experiences that made it easier to understand my parents - at least, somewhat. 

Then, there is that other relationship.  The one you have with the person that shares the gene pool with your kids, their father.  When they tell you that marriage is work, they don't really explain that it's work because of kids.  Once kids are in the mix, it's a constant juggle of the kids needs, and your relationship needs, who's going to do what with the kids, how does this balance out?  You know how I said that you see your kids for 3 hours from the time you pick them up until bedtime?  Guess when you see your spouse - alone?  Oh yeah, that 5 - 10 minutes you might have between when your kids finally go to sleep and you outright crash on the couch.  Think about how hard it is to make that work.  Then get creative with it.  This means that during your day, or commute, or just when the kids are driving you crazy, you find a way to reach out to your significant other and let them know how much it means to you that they are on this crazy ride with you.  

Plus, sleep becomes important.  Sleep is more important than eating (sometimes), more important than exercising.  Sleep is more important than washing your face, even than brushing your teeth.  Sleep is something that you will want so bad that you will almost pee your bed before agreeing with your body to get out of bed just to go to the bathroom.  Sleep becomes more important than meeting up with your friends, even more important than sex (as long as I can lay down, am I right?).

Your perspectives change.  You used to hate commuting to work, but now, you thank God it's an hour because it's the only hour your going to get without someone making demands on you.  You know that you barely have time at night, but have taken every weekday night and Saturday to schedule activities for your kids - dance, softball, volleyball, swim lessons, tumbling.  Why would you ever want any of that precious time to yourself when you could be carting kids around, pushing them on swings, and listen to them complain that they're hungry just to have them tell you how much they don't like the food you make?  Oh yeah.  You used to eat out all the time?  Not so much anymore.  You're on a budget.  And you need to make sure your kids learn healthy eating habits.  So then you learn healthy eating habits and start cooking.

Ugh.  I'm still not doing a good job of explaining.  Maybe I'll try again some day.  Suffice it to say that when Olivia was explaining to me about her teacher, I could so easily relate to what it's like to have a couple of kids and how stressed you get when things don't go as planned, and how it may impact your job, and what happens if it REALLY impacts your job, and so on and so forth.  I don't know that Olivia's teacher is stressing.  I know that in her situation, I'd be a mess - a hot-pregnant-angry-stressed-out-worried mess.  But those are shoes I have worn.  And I can understand.  But how do I explain that to Olivia, who hasn't yet experienced any of the mindset, or worry or all encompassing life that is being a mom?

Landscapes of emotion....

I've been posting a whole lot of pictures lately.  On Instagram (I could probably post more), on Facebook, and especially on here.  I've really been overwhelming you with the visuals, from Project 365 and our vacation pictures.

Well, I've been wanting to write more.  But, I spent most of the first part of the year spiralling into a shame cycle, depression, or just general funk.  It's whatever you want to call it.

Let's just say that the Holiday's were stressful for me.  We had family at our house, even had Christmas Dinner at our house.  All this conspires to really stress me out.  But, you'd think, that after all that was over, I'd start to feel better.  

I didn't.

I actually got sick.  Tried to focus on my goals for the year.  Was running as much as I could.  But, I had been fighting a plateau with my weight loss for close to a year now.  I have also been trying to figure out my own emotions within some of my relationships.  I have been emotionally knotted about this for quite some time, and really, that's all I'll say about that on this blog.  It's not really something that is for public consumption.  I only mention it because of how it weighs on me, and is something I continue every day to work through.  On top of all of this, we had this horrible, awful, long, cold, snowy winter.  If you know me, you know how much I hate the cold and the snow and the short days.  And I got sick again.

I was tired.  I was angry.  I was fed up.  I was frustrated.

All of this conspired to push me into what I call a shame cycle.  Why a shame cycle?  Because I started to feel ashamed.  Ashamed of the decisions I was making.  Ashamed of the exercise I could no longer do. Ashamed that my weight started to go up.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I was hiding inside myself.  I wouldn't go to WW meetings.  I got more than one post card about being missed.

But then, I made it a point to go to a meeting.  A meeting where I was able to open up, a little about the frustrations I was having.  And I started to feel better.  And then the weather started to change, and daylight savings happened, and the snow melted, and the grass has turned to green again.  And I am feeling better.  So much so that I wanted to talk about the last three months.

I really felt alone the last few months.  Mostly, I withdrew inside myself, but it was lonely.  I could no longer exercise.  Why?  I really don't know.  All I can tell you is that my body no longer agreed to running, or walking.  My body only wanted to sit.  And my mind was not able to argue and convince my body to keep going.  I would try almost every day.  I would put on my clothes, and I would push myself to a treadmill, and I would get on it.  Some days, I could run a mile before I had to stop.  Other days, I wouldn't even be able to finish my 10 minute warm up walk.  Exercise had become my outlet. I set myself a goal to run 500 miles this year.  And now, my body had decided that this no longer mattered.  Without the exercise that I had been getting, my sleep cycles started to go off.  Now, I was no longer sleeping well.  And my eating became worse.  I wasn't watching as well as I should, and keeping track of what I was eating, and I was not making good eating decisions.  All of this conspired to make me feel ashamed.  And it didn't stop there.  I think my family felt this from me too.  This pulling into myself.  I know that for a long time Olivia has thought that I like Mia better than her.  This is mostly because Olivia and I are very much alike.  Both of us are independent.  Neither are cuddlers.  We are not always comfortable with showing our affection.  But, Mia is not like that.  Mia demands affection.  Mia has to sit on laps, and kiss and hug and tell you how much she loves you.  I started to feel guilty every time I would respond to Mia's affection, because I could see that Olivia was wondering why she didn't get the same affection.  And I could see the resentment.  I started pushing Mia away more so that I wouldn't feel guilty when Olivia would look at us with all the emotion behind her eyes.

And then, one day, literally, when I talked about my frustrations, I started to feel better, little bits, every day.  I really got to the point that I could no longer hold it in.  The shame.  The confusion.  The need to ask for someone to help me figure out what was in my head and why I couldn't seem to get past it. I talked about it one day.  Then I talked about it more and more and the more I talked about it, the less ashamed I felt.

I see my life as an opportunity  to learn.  Here is what I have learned over the past few months, about myself.

1. I read something on Facebook that said that when you hug a child, let them be the one to break the embrace.  This way, they feel more secure in your affection.  I decided to try this out.  I made it a point to push past the uncomfortableness of being affectionate with Olivia.  I made it a point to reach out to her, and hug her, and kiss her and tell her how much I love her.  Has it changed anything?  Well, she's still as Olivia as ever.  But, I see more confidence in her.  I see less resentment towards Mia, but more competition.  I see her being a bit more free with her affection too, like I'm not the only one who's trying.

2.  I decided to listen to my body more.  I decided that I wouldn't beat myself up because my body was tired.  Or hungry.  I decided that I would give myself more daily points on WW, this way I wouldn't feel guilty about dipping into the extra weekly points.  And I decided to change up when I would eat, making it a point to eat about 30 minutes before a workout.  I'm not eating a full meal, but I'll have a Greek yogurt to help fuel my workout and ensure that I'm not hungry when I workout.  The benefits?  Well, I've lost the extra weight I had put on, which means I'm back to my plateau.  But, I've also started to run again.  And this past week, I got about 8 miles in.  Which is AWESOME compared to the 1 or less that I had been getting in.  I have less than 80 miles under my belt for the year, which means I most likely won't make my 500 mile goal.  That's OK.  Because, no matter what, as long as I'm running, I'm doing something good for me.  And, I'm tracking my miles to see just how many I get done this year.  Also, the good thing about letting go of this need to exercise, this compulsion, is that I'm able to go out with Olivia and help her start to train herself into better shape.  Now I'm able to let go of what I want from a workout and know that the point is that I get to be with Olivia, sharing something that I like with her, knowing that she's getting some activity in.  While I may not get the 3 miles I wanted, I'm still getting some activity and I'm not sitting on my couch.

3.  I learned that every year after Christmas and until daylight savings is a hard time of year for me.  I get seasonally depressed with little to look forward to during these months.  But, amazingly enough, every year, the time passes and Spring comes along and I am caught by the beauty of the changing world again.  Knowing this gives me a chance to prepare for next year.  If I know that those three months are going to be difficult, I can start to figure out other ways to deal with the emotions and heaviness of those months.  Hopefully in much more productive ways that make me feel good about myself and can keep me from becoming Hermit Tara.

I'm still really frustrated with my weight loss plateau.  Over the past 3 months or so, I've started to see myself differently too.  In November, and December, I was happy with the way I looked.  I was happy to see pictures of myself.  I believed other people when they said it was hard to believe I still needed to lose 30 pounds.  Now, I see the old me again.  I see a fat girl that is bigger than she should be.  I see a girl with a jiggly muffin top.  Even though my jeans are getting bigger again, and my shirts are getting looser, I'm still seeing that fat girl.  Maybe it's what I need to push me to the change I need to make to get off this plateau, but I will be damn happy when I can see myself in a picture again and not feel like I'm still too big.  Again, trying to take what I've learned about myself, I am not beating myself up, but am trying new things, trying to change my routines up, to see what I can do to push me off this plateau.

As the spring gets warmer, and the summer sun starts beating down on us, I plan to continue to learn about myself and my habits.  I plan to be cognizant of my emotional despair from January through March.  I am planning to try new ways to work through next years emotional valley, to hopefully get a little less lost on the way to spring.

Project 365 Week 14....

This has been a week.  Not great, but definitely not bad.  We've gone shopping, done laundry, planned some Easter celebration, dealt with a stomach bug (Olivia), and done all the usual stuff.

Thursday, April 3rd: I had to be on front door duty today.  This bird was scoping out the window above the front door to make a nest.  Oh yeah, I went and scared him away.  Bastard bird.

Friday, April 4th: This is my desk at work.  Can you say "clutter"?

Saturday, April 5th:  This is Tony, hard at work trying to decide what restaurant we should eat at.  The big decision took us to Buffalo Wild Wings.  Yum.

Sunday, April 6th: My own little harbinger of spring.

Monday, April 7th: We went shopping on Sunday, so of course she had to wear her new most favoritist dress.  And scratch her belly, too.

Tuesday, April 8th:  Another new outfit, this one picked especially for picture day.  She was swinging while Olivia was at her first softball practice.

Wednesday, April 9th: I laid down on the floor and tried to capture the dog, sleeping, in some great light.  However, the minute I was on the floor, he got up and came over to me.  So, I got a picture of his front paws which amazingly look like something Dr. Seuss would draw.

Lapinskas Family Vacation part 3 - New York....

Ok.  So, yeah.  I was more excited to get to New York City than any other city on our list.  We left in the morning from Philadelphia and drove about 2 hours (again, GPS not being friendly) to get to New York.  We drove through the Holland Tunnel, and right into the Financial District.  We parked, left our car, hopped a ferry and visited the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.  While cloudy, it wasn't too chilly.  After coming back, we grabbed the car and headed uptown to our hotel.  We got to the hotel, dumped the car, and checked in.  Then, we let ourselves loose to find a place to eat.  Again, we found a bar, but first we found Times Square!  Only a few blocks down from the hotel.  Afterward, we stopped for cheesecake and coffee, then to bed for it had been a long day.

The next day was bright and FRIGIDLY cold.  We brave Midwesterners with our scarves tied around faces, braved the horrible wind to go see the big city.  We went to Radio City, where we were able to find the Top of The Rock.  Rockefeller Center, inside and out.  We hit Carnegie Deli (across the street from our hotel) for lunch, and then on to Central Park.  We walked around a small part of the park before succumbing to the cold and heading back in.  After a bit, we went out for hot chocolate and coffee.  When that still didn't warm us, we went back to the hotel, hunkered under some covers and watched Frozen (again).  We dined on some NY style pizza for dinner and got ready to bid adieu to this awesome city.

Vacation Destination 3: New York City

On the ferry to see the Statue.

The sea gulls were quite aggressive.  Suffice it to say that Mia is definitely more wary of them since one tried to get too close to her garbage and almost landed on her head.  It was rather hysterical, especially since the bird really scared Mia. (yes, we ARE awesome parents).

The skyline from Liberty Island.

Inside the statue, a replica of the flame.

At Ellis, here's my little in the HUGE registry room.

Our hotel room had a terrace we could walk out on!  This is not something we bargained for and we were pleasantly surprised.  See that red awning? Carnegie Deli.  The next intersection up? Broadway and 55th.

Headed to go to the top of the Rock, we found Radio City.

Waiting on daddy, I tried to get the Radio City sign in the background with the girls.

A fun touristy picture.  Even I was in a picture!

It was windy, cold and sunny at the top.

We stepped inside because Mia was cold and found this cool room that sensed where you were, and would light up.  It would light up all over when someone walked in.  There were lights above and all around.  The girls loved this.

Another picture that I was in front of the lens for.

Central Park from way up high.

The flags at Rockefeller Center.

We had matzo ball soup for the first time.  It was AWESOME!!  I'm pretty sure it won't be the last time.

Central Park, Yo!

Trying to warm up with some pastries and hot chocolate.

The next day, we gathered our stuff, said good bye to New York and the East Coast and headed back to the Midwest.  We journeyed to Cleveland where we stayed the night.  However, my pictures pretty much end here since, well, it's Cleveland, and I got sick overnight.  We only stayed the one night in Cleveland, and then trucked our way home.  Cleveland had some great architecture and was the cleanest city I've ever seen.  I'm sorry we don't have any pics, but stuff happens.

We had a great vacation and I really hope we can make this a tradition.  Going new places and seeing new things, showing my girls that there really is a big world out there to go see.