Landscapes of emotion....

I've been posting a whole lot of pictures lately.  On Instagram (I could probably post more), on Facebook, and especially on here.  I've really been overwhelming you with the visuals, from Project 365 and our vacation pictures.

Well, I've been wanting to write more.  But, I spent most of the first part of the year spiralling into a shame cycle, depression, or just general funk.  It's whatever you want to call it.

Let's just say that the Holiday's were stressful for me.  We had family at our house, even had Christmas Dinner at our house.  All this conspires to really stress me out.  But, you'd think, that after all that was over, I'd start to feel better.  

I didn't.

I actually got sick.  Tried to focus on my goals for the year.  Was running as much as I could.  But, I had been fighting a plateau with my weight loss for close to a year now.  I have also been trying to figure out my own emotions within some of my relationships.  I have been emotionally knotted about this for quite some time, and really, that's all I'll say about that on this blog.  It's not really something that is for public consumption.  I only mention it because of how it weighs on me, and is something I continue every day to work through.  On top of all of this, we had this horrible, awful, long, cold, snowy winter.  If you know me, you know how much I hate the cold and the snow and the short days.  And I got sick again.

I was tired.  I was angry.  I was fed up.  I was frustrated.

All of this conspired to push me into what I call a shame cycle.  Why a shame cycle?  Because I started to feel ashamed.  Ashamed of the decisions I was making.  Ashamed of the exercise I could no longer do. Ashamed that my weight started to go up.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I was hiding inside myself.  I wouldn't go to WW meetings.  I got more than one post card about being missed.

But then, I made it a point to go to a meeting.  A meeting where I was able to open up, a little about the frustrations I was having.  And I started to feel better.  And then the weather started to change, and daylight savings happened, and the snow melted, and the grass has turned to green again.  And I am feeling better.  So much so that I wanted to talk about the last three months.

I really felt alone the last few months.  Mostly, I withdrew inside myself, but it was lonely.  I could no longer exercise.  Why?  I really don't know.  All I can tell you is that my body no longer agreed to running, or walking.  My body only wanted to sit.  And my mind was not able to argue and convince my body to keep going.  I would try almost every day.  I would put on my clothes, and I would push myself to a treadmill, and I would get on it.  Some days, I could run a mile before I had to stop.  Other days, I wouldn't even be able to finish my 10 minute warm up walk.  Exercise had become my outlet. I set myself a goal to run 500 miles this year.  And now, my body had decided that this no longer mattered.  Without the exercise that I had been getting, my sleep cycles started to go off.  Now, I was no longer sleeping well.  And my eating became worse.  I wasn't watching as well as I should, and keeping track of what I was eating, and I was not making good eating decisions.  All of this conspired to make me feel ashamed.  And it didn't stop there.  I think my family felt this from me too.  This pulling into myself.  I know that for a long time Olivia has thought that I like Mia better than her.  This is mostly because Olivia and I are very much alike.  Both of us are independent.  Neither are cuddlers.  We are not always comfortable with showing our affection.  But, Mia is not like that.  Mia demands affection.  Mia has to sit on laps, and kiss and hug and tell you how much she loves you.  I started to feel guilty every time I would respond to Mia's affection, because I could see that Olivia was wondering why she didn't get the same affection.  And I could see the resentment.  I started pushing Mia away more so that I wouldn't feel guilty when Olivia would look at us with all the emotion behind her eyes.

And then, one day, literally, when I talked about my frustrations, I started to feel better, little bits, every day.  I really got to the point that I could no longer hold it in.  The shame.  The confusion.  The need to ask for someone to help me figure out what was in my head and why I couldn't seem to get past it. I talked about it one day.  Then I talked about it more and more and the more I talked about it, the less ashamed I felt.

I see my life as an opportunity  to learn.  Here is what I have learned over the past few months, about myself.

1. I read something on Facebook that said that when you hug a child, let them be the one to break the embrace.  This way, they feel more secure in your affection.  I decided to try this out.  I made it a point to push past the uncomfortableness of being affectionate with Olivia.  I made it a point to reach out to her, and hug her, and kiss her and tell her how much I love her.  Has it changed anything?  Well, she's still as Olivia as ever.  But, I see more confidence in her.  I see less resentment towards Mia, but more competition.  I see her being a bit more free with her affection too, like I'm not the only one who's trying.

2.  I decided to listen to my body more.  I decided that I wouldn't beat myself up because my body was tired.  Or hungry.  I decided that I would give myself more daily points on WW, this way I wouldn't feel guilty about dipping into the extra weekly points.  And I decided to change up when I would eat, making it a point to eat about 30 minutes before a workout.  I'm not eating a full meal, but I'll have a Greek yogurt to help fuel my workout and ensure that I'm not hungry when I workout.  The benefits?  Well, I've lost the extra weight I had put on, which means I'm back to my plateau.  But, I've also started to run again.  And this past week, I got about 8 miles in.  Which is AWESOME compared to the 1 or less that I had been getting in.  I have less than 80 miles under my belt for the year, which means I most likely won't make my 500 mile goal.  That's OK.  Because, no matter what, as long as I'm running, I'm doing something good for me.  And, I'm tracking my miles to see just how many I get done this year.  Also, the good thing about letting go of this need to exercise, this compulsion, is that I'm able to go out with Olivia and help her start to train herself into better shape.  Now I'm able to let go of what I want from a workout and know that the point is that I get to be with Olivia, sharing something that I like with her, knowing that she's getting some activity in.  While I may not get the 3 miles I wanted, I'm still getting some activity and I'm not sitting on my couch.

3.  I learned that every year after Christmas and until daylight savings is a hard time of year for me.  I get seasonally depressed with little to look forward to during these months.  But, amazingly enough, every year, the time passes and Spring comes along and I am caught by the beauty of the changing world again.  Knowing this gives me a chance to prepare for next year.  If I know that those three months are going to be difficult, I can start to figure out other ways to deal with the emotions and heaviness of those months.  Hopefully in much more productive ways that make me feel good about myself and can keep me from becoming Hermit Tara.

I'm still really frustrated with my weight loss plateau.  Over the past 3 months or so, I've started to see myself differently too.  In November, and December, I was happy with the way I looked.  I was happy to see pictures of myself.  I believed other people when they said it was hard to believe I still needed to lose 30 pounds.  Now, I see the old me again.  I see a fat girl that is bigger than she should be.  I see a girl with a jiggly muffin top.  Even though my jeans are getting bigger again, and my shirts are getting looser, I'm still seeing that fat girl.  Maybe it's what I need to push me to the change I need to make to get off this plateau, but I will be damn happy when I can see myself in a picture again and not feel like I'm still too big.  Again, trying to take what I've learned about myself, I am not beating myself up, but am trying new things, trying to change my routines up, to see what I can do to push me off this plateau.

As the spring gets warmer, and the summer sun starts beating down on us, I plan to continue to learn about myself and my habits.  I plan to be cognizant of my emotional despair from January through March.  I am planning to try new ways to work through next years emotional valley, to hopefully get a little less lost on the way to spring.