2014 in review and 2015 goals....

Just like everyone else in the country/world, as 2014 draws to a close and 2015 is literally hours away, I have been reflecting on this past year and trying to figure out what I will do with this next year.

I posted last year what my goals for 2014 would be (2014 Goals).  These were my goals:

1. To run 500 miles this year.  I did not hit this very lofty goal.  Actually, I got sick in January, stopped running through March and didn't really get started again until May.  I actually ran 255.25 miles this year.  This year, I will try to hit 300 miles.
2. Hit my weight loss goal.  Nope.  Not yet.  I am overly determined to hit this goal this year.  I've lost 80 pounds.  I have 25 to go.
3. Blog once a week.  BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! So, yeah.  That didn't happen.  I'm still trying to blog more often.  This year, the plan is to change my habits and bring my computer to bed nightly.  Write as often as possible.
4. Project 365 (pictures every day).  I totally felt like a failure with this.  Forgetting to take pictures, taking the same picture every day just to hit the daily picture goal.  Ugh.  But, when I look back over the year, I'm so happy that I took all those pictures.  I'm going to try this again this year and not beat myself up so much.
5. Create FB page for my blog.  I did this.  It was too much work.  I deleted it.
6. Hug and kiss my girls every day. Maybe this did not happen every day.  I will say that it happened a lot more often than before.  My kids seem to be feeling more secure, and I'm more comfortable with them.  This was a great goal.  I plan to continue making sure that I show my love to my girls every day.
7. Go back to school and finish my Master's Degree.  Hmmm.  I still think about this bunches.  I will get back there.  It just hasn't been the right time yet.

I learned this year that I need to stop kicking my own ass.  I yell at myself, berate myself, emotionally stress myself out because I am not perfect, because I didn't hit my weight loss goal or my running goal or take good pictures every day.  This crap needs to stop.  NOW.

So, this year, my goals, my resolutions will be something I continuously work at.  But, if I don't hit these goals, I will revamp my goals and be proud of anything I do accomplish.  Here are my 2015 goals:

1. I want to run 300 miles this year.  Last year was the first year I set a goal, and I ran just over 250.  This year, I'd like to improve that by 50.  
2. I want to hit my weight loss goal so frickin' bad.  I have learned a lot this year, and I will continue to work hard to watch what I eat, make good decisions and take care of myself.
3. I want to cook the recipes that are on my Pinterest boards.  I'd like to try a new recipe once a week.  
4. I want to travel.  Period.  New places to see and new things to do. 

How was your year?  How awesome will 2015 be for you?

 

Christmas Magic...

I took a vow of radio silence, and I've been upholding this vow.  This was mostly because I was being too affected by my news feed.  This was a great idea because I was able to figure out what was stressing me out, and how I'd really like to be able to use FB in the future.  I'll be back in 2015, but I'll have some cleaning to do of my news feed.

Onto Christmas Magic.

(Visiting Santa when we went to see the town's tree lighting)

I noticed the other day, that when I didn't have Christmas music playing on my car radio, that it really didn't feel like Christmas at all.  I don't know if it's the lack of snow, or being 36 and a parent, or that I am really dreading the onset of true winter in the next 2 months (p.s. happy first day of winter!).  Whatever it is, I noticed that the magic seemed to be missing - at least for me.  

Don't get me wrong, we have decorated the house, and we've gone to see the lights, sent out cards, received cards, etc.  It's just....hmmm...another day to do other things.

(Graham cracker crunch with a Tara spin - Almonds instead of walnuts, and added a drizzle of chocolate ganache.  The batch did not last through until the next day. YUM )

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy (more than likely).

Even though I may not be filled with the magic of Christmas just yet, I still am very happy this holiday season.  My family and I have been so blessed, and I just want to make sure that I take a minute and express the things I'm thankful for this year.

First and foremost, our health.  My family is healthy and happy.  The girls are growing and learning new things every day.  Tony and I have both lost weight and continue to work on living a healthy life.  

(We took the girls to see The Nutcracker.  I loved it.  Mia loved it.  Tony seemed to like it.  I think Olivia thought it was ok.)

I am thankful that we've begun to travel.  This year we took our kids to Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, New York, Cleveland and Kansas.  Not to mention the many trips to explore Chicago.  I've always wanted to see new places and I'm so happy we've been able to start traveling, and to share this with our kids.

(My train companion, commuting to Chicago to see the decorated windows at Macy's and the zoo lights at Lincoln Park Zoo)

I'm thankful that Tony and I have good jobs and that we, together, are able to provide for our family.

(Dinner, after Winter Wonderland at Mia's school - Pajamas were the required attire.)

I'm thankful for friends.  My life is brighter, views expand, experiences known, with new and old friends.

I'm thankful for my brother.  He's been my therapist this year, and a great listener and shoulder for me.

I'm thankful for my husband.  He keeps me grounded, makes me laugh.  He's awesome.

I'm thankful for my kids.  They make me laugh, make me cry, make me yell.

(Olivia's picture of me.  Made me laugh)

I'm thankful for all of you that are reading this.  I hope that you have a happy and wonderful Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or any holiday that is celebrated.  Have a safe and wonderful new year too!

Radio Silence...

A lot of things have been going on in the world lately.  A lot of things that I see on Facebook.  Social discussions, the sharing of news, of videos, of opinions, of memes.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed by seeing pictures everyday of children, kids showing battle wounds, scars, hideous injury after being attacked by dogs.  Videos of citizens being beaten by cops, all while already handcuffed, or more than one cop taking on one person.  Stories about shootings, and violence happening in schools.  Stories of people abusing their animals, and pictures of animals living and dying in horrible conditions.  Stories of racism, of unbelievable craziness that blows common sense out of the water. Stories of violence against women, of violence against children, of violence.

These stories hurt me.  They hurt my heart.  And they make me fear for me, my kids, my family.  And.  And.  These stories make me think.

These stories make me think of truly how lucky I am.  I am very blessed.  I have an income, and can pay my bills.  I have a roof over my head, and can feed my children.  I have decent health care, and my family is healthy.  I have a loving husband, and two beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving children.

These stories also make me think about what it is like to walk in other people's shoes.  These stories have shown me new worlds, new ways of living that I never knew.  I feel as if my eyes have been opened by hearing the stories of day to day life of people that are not me.  I feel the raw emotion of people that are being treated unjustly, I feel the impotence, the rage.  All this emotion, with no where to direct it.

These stories have shown just how far we still have to go in this world to be seen as equals.  I feel like people need their eyes opened again, to learn how to walk in another persons shoes.  How would you feel if you were walking down the street, and the cops rolled up on you?  How would you feel if this was a daily, a weekly, a monthly, a regular occurrence?  How would you feel if you did not have confidence in the police to protect you, only that they might not believe what you say, might actually turn on you and treat you not like a victim, but as the perpetrator of a crime?  How does it feel to be looked at as a criminal, judged as guilty without proof, based on what you look like on the outside?  How does it feel to be bullied, day in and out, by people that 'justly' have power over you?  How does it feel to work so hard to make something of yourself, to break stereotypes, to still be harassed because of the color of your skin?  I'm not going to tell you I know how this feels.  I haven't experienced this, but because of other people's voices, because of other people's words, I'm starting to better understand how people that have experienced this feel.

While I'm thinking about all these situations in the news, while I'm being bombarded on social media by other people's stories, other opinions, spouting about what they think, why this is right, wrong, or other on all sorts of situations and scenarios and they give explanations, excuses, judgements, etc.  While all this is happening today, and I'm reading all of this in my news feed, taking it all in, I'm being overwhelmed.

My head can no longer take all of the onslaught of my Facebook account.  I feel as if I am bombarded by so much, and I need to find a way I can help, or to figure out what I can do to move the pendulum of change.  But, I'm so overwhelmed with it all that my mind is no longer processing.  I'm taking it in, and I'm thinking about all of this so much that I can no longer sleep.  I feel as if my voice can't be heard. Not because I am not loud, not because I don't have things to say, but mostly because I can't figure out how to say it.  How can I express myself in a way that is valuable, that is expressive, that will not alienate?

The reason I tell you all of this is because I'm going to take some time to gather my thoughts.  I'm going to take some time to process all the data that is coming through to me.  I'm going to let my mind work on these feelings, these situations, and lead me to the way that I can do something to help swing the pendulum of change.  To do this, I will be taking my radio silence in the form of a Facebook break.  For the month of December, I will only be on Facebook to share any blog posts, or to wish people a happy birthday.  I will take the time to enjoy my family and the holidays, to use my Facebook time by catching up on Instagram and Twitter.  I will speak to people in person, or on the phone.  And hopefully I will write a thing or two.

Do you know what a "lock down drill" is?

Tonight, after picking up Mia and coming home.  I immediately went to my room to change out of my fun heeled boots, and cute blue skirt and black tights.  It's just not the kind of outfit you want to be wearing while traipsing around the kitchen, throwing together dinner for your kids.

Mia came upstairs with me, and asked me if she could dress up.  It's kinda funny that she came home to dress up and I was putting my sweats on.  Anyway, while I was changing, as you moms know, this of course was the perfect time for Mia to come tell me about her day.

She came to show me that she could do a lock down drill.  She showed me how you have to sit, and stay quiet.  Don't scream, she says.  Because there are no windows in the classroom, and the lights will be off.  Someone could be in the hallway, and want to get you.  So they practice hiding, in the dark, preparing for the scenario that someone comes into the school and is shooting, or some other terrifying act.

....WTF?!?!?!?....

Did you know about this drill?  I mean, yeah, I may be behind on the safety precautions our kids are being taught, but...

a lock down drill?

Where my kid is being taught to hide in the dark and not to scream?

This makes me angry.  Righteously, indignantly, and terrifyingly ANGRY.

Our CHILDREN are being to sent to schools.  Where they may not be safe.  We send them to learn, to learn math, and reading, how to socialize and work hard.  But.  BUT.  It has become abundantly clear that we can't keep our kids safe at school.

What are our lawmakers doing about this?  All I hear about is how we are de-funding education left and right.  How we are not paying our teachers.  How we are promoting that anyone can carry a gun - not just to protect their home, but anywhere they go.  AND OUR KIDS ARE NOT SAFE AT SCHOOL!!

Is this getting through????  I'm tired of hearing political ads, and how Congress is the worst, least productive Congress ever.  I care about that - yes - but more than that, I care that our kids are safe.  I felt safe when I was at school.  Even during fire drills, and tornado drills.  Those were things that you tried to prepare for because you can't stop them.  We can stop having our kids be targeted.  We can do something about this.

What can we do?  Honestly, right now, I don't know.  But, I have ideas.  And I am going to research what I can do to make this better.  I will do everything I can to make sure that my kids feel safe at school and really and truly are safe.  Because, our kids should be able to enjoy school, and learn in a safe environment.

My little Elsa, hanging out with me, watching Frozen, feeling secure.

Food Issues....

i HAVE...caps lock on.  Oops.

Second try.

I have food issues.  Actually, I have many issues.  I hate spiders.  They literally make my skin crawl.  I don't want to see them inside or outside my house, not on my car, not in my shower or in my FB news feed.  Keep those nasty things away!

But, back to my food issues.

I know I have food issues.  Food and I get along too well.  Especially the kinds of food that are fun to eat, at least for a moment, but that have little to no health value and then make you feel awful for having just scarfed down 4 portions.  

Knowing that I have food issues, I decided to make a change.  My ultimate wish list goal would be to no longer let food have power over me.  I want to be so used to picking the right things, making good choices, that I don't even stress about food.  I want to not obsess about chips, and cheese when I am beginning to get hungry.  I want to not obsess about food at all. 

Do I think I'll get to that place?  Well, a girl can hope, right?  Right now I'm working on giving myself a little more freedom.  Freedom to eat more food, but mostly more of the good food - the food you like to eat, but is really good for you too.

Can I tell you something scary about food issues?

You can pass them on to your kids.  

I don't know if it's heredity, or simply that I've done the same things with food that my mom did when I was a kid (no you can't have that, blah, blah).

I eat when I'm alone.  This started when I was a kid.  It was a way to exert my independence and power.  The food was there.  I was hungry.  No one else was home.  I could eat the things that my mom would tell me not to eat.  Secretive, shameful, rebellious, guilty eating ensued.  And, that's actually a pretty intoxicating brew - ask any girl that always falls for the 'bad guy'.  She knows this feeling.  She knows how bad-good one little kiss (in my case, that would be of the Hershey variety) can feel.  And, it's addictive.  This hidden habit constantly makes you feel good in a bad way.  And you start to do this every time no one else is home.  So much so that as you grow older, and get married, you still eat on the sly.  If I'm going to go to that place, I'm doing it while Tony's not home, or the girls are not paying attention to me.  This is my food issue, my habit of eating shamefully.

My daughter has started to find some new independence and freedom, as she's gotten older.  Now, when she is alone, she's eating.  And eating.  And eating.  And when we call her out on it, she is ashamed.  Ashamed that we know her secret.  Ashamed that she did eat those 4 candy bars.  Even worse now is that feeling of no longer being the perfect child she thought she was, because now we KNOW.

So now my shameful habit has become her shameful habit.  This is not an easy habit to break.  I told her she should never be ashamed of what she eats.  People have to eat.  It's ok to indulge.  I gave her ideas on what she could try to indulge in.  I told her to think about planning a snack for when she got home.  This snack could already be prepared when she gets home, even.  And, if that apple and cheese stick are not enough, and she still wants candy, then she can have a kiss, or a small candy bar.  I really want her to not feel ashamed of this habit.  Maybe, if we take that shame out of it, she might have an easier time that I do with overcoming this food issue.

My only hope for my kids was that they would both have my husband's metabolism, or any of my siblings.  One got lucky.  The other takes after me.  So, she's going to have to fight these issues, just like I have.  Maybe her struggle will be a little easier?  A girl can hope, right?

Stretching my random thoughts...

You may have noticed the resounding silence around here lately.  I've been working, and planning, dealing, and overwhelmed.  I've been feeling very stretched lately.

Not the stretched that you feel physically around 36 weeks pregnant, but mentally stretched.  Overwhelmed with work, with personal life.  We've had literally so much going on, that I began to feel seriously stretched.

Here are some of the thoughts that I've been having lately:

Really?  This is my life?  The same thing, day after day after day after day.  And I have to plan for these days, so that the family moves smoothly?  Do I do anything for me?  What happened to that girl that wanted to be on-air talent on the radio?  The one that just wanted to have fun because fun is what makes the world go round.

Will I ever lose the weight I'm carrying around?  Will I ever be able to figure this out?  What is driving my food issues?  Oh yeah, I definitely have food issues.

I'm deliriously happy to plan our Disney trip!  

Do I pull myself away from my family?  Is it really that I am protecting my emotions, my security, my heart that ends up hurt?  Or am I so sure that everyone will go away from me, leaving me alone, so that I push everyone away or just don't ever let them in?

Seriously - can I just eat whatever I want?  Without tracking, and not gain weight?  Can I eat with wild abandon?  No.  It doesn't matter how many miles I run, how good I am with food choices, I will never be able to eat with abandon and will forever fight my head with what I want and what I need.

How is my marriage?  Does my husband really know how I feel, sometimes so lost in the life of the wife, the mother, the worker.  Does he feel the same way?  How can I reconnect with him?  

Is my house ever going to be clean?  Will I ever get my house decorated the way I want?  I have pictures on my floor waiting for frames, plans in my head on how to paint and decorate Olivia's room.  We need new mattresses, Olivia needs a new bed, the basement needs to be cleaned and I found ANOTHER junk drawer that needs to be emptied.  How do other people deal with all the stuff of life?

I want to start having Sunday dinners.  I want to invite friends, family, everyone to come over and enjoy Sunday dinner with us.  When can we start doing this.  I need to invite people over.

My baby is six years old.  She might as well be 18 and headed off for college based on how this makes me feel.  I see small babies, and ooh and ahhh, but know that is not in the cards for me again (which is good).  But I feel a grief over the passing of this time of my life.  Happy and grieving all at the same time.

I need to exercise my mind.  Maybe I can avoid the dementia curse if I do a crossword puzzle, or sudoku or other games to keep my mind strong?  Wait - what my mind do I even have left after work, kids, activities, etc?  I should have started 10 years ago.  I should still start now.

How do I deal with my food issues?  Where do they stem?  How can I interact better with my family?  I need a therapist.  How do you find a therapist?  Do I just Google that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Does this sound like you?  Working through all of these random thoughts and emotions all the while mothering, fathering, wife-ing, husband-ing, working, brother-ing, sister-ing, etc.

I guess this is life right?  What is it that they say: "It's only life - we all get through it."  Sort of positive and negative at the same time, also, somewhat dark.  I don't know about you, but my plan is to make the best of this life and to embrace the craziness.  Mostly because I'll be sad when this phase of life is over too.

Month in review....

After much late posting of my Project 365, I've decided that this is not the best format for me.  I don't take pictures every day.  And if I do, it's so much of the same thing, day after day after jogging picture after jogging picture.  So, I've decided that I will try instead, on Friday nights to post a week in review where I can post my favorite pictures for the week.

For this first iteration, I'm posting pictures from the past month, Mid-September to Mid-October, my life in pics:

 Tony and I visited Kansas City on our 12th Anniversary Weekend.  I got to share a great Pumpkin Latte (made with Almond Milk) at this little coffee shop near UMKC.

One of the fountains in KC, we saw when we got to take a morning run together.

 

Our view up the lawns to the Art Museum that we would visit the next day.

The art museum has a sculpture garden in their front lawn.  Here's Tony pretending to hold a giant birdie that was in the lawn.

Sculpture of a tree.

Mia had a birthday.  The princess turned 6.

After her 6th birthday, Queen Elsa joined me for a trip to the grocery store.

As is tradition in the Midwest, we visited the pumpkin farm, and this is what it feels like to be in a corn maze, alone, with your 10 year old far ahead of you.

 The girls enjoying the corn pit.  Kinda like a ball pit, but with dried corn.

And...the jumping pillow.  We spent most of our time at the jumping pillow.

We've also been going for walks, as a family, with the dog on the forest preserve trails near us.  This is Mia and Joe, in sync in the car.

Their conversation looks interesting.

Olivia found a flower for Mia.

Princess Hollywood and her flower.

Random pictures:

This is a girl after my own heart with the Cheese Balls.  Can't buy them, mostly because I'd eat the entire bucket.

Rockin' it, gym teacher style.

I'm tired, you're tired, and she was supposed to be putting her clean clothes away, but this is how I found her, asleep on the floor.

Project 365, Week 37...

Oh my god!  There are only 15 weeks left in the year!  15-ish!  Wow!

Thursday, September 11:

It got chilly.  She was on her way outside to play on the swing set, and put this old pullover hoodie on.  It barely fits over her giant head and says, "I don't have to be good, I'm cute."

Friday, September 12:

The only picture I took today, after a run.  I made good time beating my PR by about 20 seconds.  Apparently the cooler weather was good for my run speed.

Saturday, September 13:

Our haul from the library, for me, the hubs and the littlest.  Olivia got her own books with her own library card.

Sunday, September 14:

A super busy weekend.  I got to bake this applesauce cake, with a lake of caramel glaze.  Yumm!

 This is just a portrait of my life.  The messy table, dog crate in the background, open box of pop tarts on the table, kids open backpack hanging off a chair, pretty flowers right in the middle of the chaos.

 He looks absolutely thrilled to have his jacket on, while sharing his dog bed with a blonde almost 6 year old.

 My people that came and walked the trail while I ran (and beat my PR again, by about 25 seconds on the Friday speed).  Maybe I really just needed a push.  Maybe I was just enjoying the beautiful weather and a new trail.  Or maybe my app just lies to me.  

 My oldest playing fall ball, pitching.  She's not great, but when they asked who wanted to pitch, she volunteered.  I am so proud that she gets out there and tries.

Monday, September 15:

Um.  Crazy Eyes.

Tuesday, September 16:

This one really did not want to make more than one trip up the stairs.

Wednesday, September 17:

Ready to go to school today.  P.s. the laundry baskets are no longer there.

Project 365 week 36....

Thursday, September 4:

My aunt passed away on September 1.  The Memorial Service was scheduled for Saturday September 6, in Kansas.  I guess I was preoccupied with planning a trip out there and getting ready to be off work and failed to take a picture.  I'll consider it a worthy excuse.

Friday, September 5:

I made it to Kansas, and my brother Derrick and I went to dinner.

Saturday, September 6:

When mommy is away, the family will have a bonfire.  And s'mores.

Sunday, September 7:

And bike rides while mommy is driving herself back across the Great Plains to be with these crazies.

Monday, September 8:

The dog was mesmerized by the water.

Tuesday, September 9:

Another day.  Another run.  Another picture (the only one I took that day).

And - a GIANT Happy Birthday to my baby sis, turning 21!!!  Make good choices!!

Wednesday, September 10:

Flowers.  Because Mia wanted to get them for me for Mother's Day.  I just think she missed me and she truly loves flowers.

Project 365 Week 35...

My brother's birthday, the anniversary of getting engaged, Labor day - this was a banner week!

Thursday, August 28:

No pictures today.  Um.  I don't remember what was going on.

Friday, August 29:

This is my brother Jory's birthday.  Happy Birthday Jor-B-Winkle!!

And, this is also the anniversary of when Tony asked me to marry him.  Good times.  I'm sure that looking at this picture makes him feel super lucky that I said yes.

Saturday, August 30:

This girl.  And her "do".  She loves this little rag.

Trying to teach herself how to make balloon animals.  This is the picture of frustration.

Sunday, August 31:

Mommy!  Always taking pictures!

Monday, September 1:

Starting the morning with a reading session, one of the books we got from the library.

Tuesday, September 2:

How to commune with your dog.

Wednesday, September 3:

Apparently no pictures, once again.