This year...

It's been a month since I last wrote anything here.  I am going to try to write more, if I can this next year.  It's been a busy year.

I went to San Francisco for Dreamforce, which was AWESOME!  I got to see/do/learn a whole lot.  I also got to see the Killers and the Foo Fighters in concert.  It was such a great time!

I won an award at work and got to go to Fort Lauderdale to accept said award!  In November!  We came back to snow in Chicago.

We got new carpet.

We finished making over the playroom to an office - MY office to be exact.

I earned a promotion at work.

My grandfather passed away.  I may talk more about this later.  We'll see.

We went to Disney.

We got a new kitten, to add to our family.

Charlie's first Christmas.  He's not quite sure what is going on.

It's been a banner year, 2015.

So, here's to 2016.  To healthy, happy family.  To new beginnings, and friendships.  

Happy early New Year to you all!

Mia, lost in her new Kindle.

Jojo says "Merry Christmas!"

All tuckered out.

"Oh? Did you want this present?"

Because I can...

Staying at home has been more stressful than anticipated.  Not that my kids are too crazy (although, they are a bit nuts), or that I've set myself up to do too much (I have been doing a lot), but it's the food that stresses me out.  Seriously.  

I love food.  Food is my favorite.  But, it makes my jeans tighter.  It makes my muffin top fluffier.  It comforts me and stresses me out all in one.  It makes me question my willpower.  It makes me question my determination.  It makes me give up on myself.

I have a good routine when I am working.  I have a good routine when I am on vacation.  But, put me at home for a week, with holidays built around eating, and I lose it.  I lose my drive to exercise.  I'm tired.  I overeat.  I can't relax.  I beat myself up for all of my choices.

I want to sit, and binge watch NCIS.  And also to not feel bad about that decision.

I want to eat only when I'm hungry.  I want to make good choices about the food that is in my mouth. But, one bad decision can send me on a spiral of bad decisions.

I have tools to help me with these decisions, good and bad.  I am able to stop and track my food.  I can exercise while watching NCIS (thank you Netflix and a treadmill).  I can move the food to the bottom shelves of the fridge, so I don't eat them first.  I can distract myself from eating by losing myself in other tasks.  I can write about what is actually stressing me out.

The holidays stress me out.  Family.  Shopping.  Cooking.  Working. Activities.  Animals.  Projects.  All that have a non-moveable deadline.

And, the weather has changed.  I'm inside more.  It's cold outside.  It's raining or snowing or cloudy or foggy.  The sun is out when it's even colder.  I gain weight every year between January and April.  For some reason, these are the worst months for me.  

I have a tool.  I am aware.  I can work on this.  I can make better decisions.  I can stop feeling victimized by food and stress.  I can make the decision to not feel bad about the decisions I make.  I can sit and enjoy some binge watching and eat a salad or an apple.  I can run or walk on the treadmill, or use one of the many exercise videos I have.  I can take the dog for a walk - even when it's cold because being outdoors everyday will make me happy.

Today is a new day.  I will feel better about myself today.  I will move the leftovers from Thanksgiving to the dark bottom shelf of the fridge.  I will move the ice cream to the back bottom of the freezer.  I will throw away the store bought cookies.  I will write down a plan for food today and stick to it.  And I will distract myself with cleaning and re-organizing kitchen cabinets.  I will find a way to exercise today.  And I will go outside in the cold and rain and walk the dog.

Because I am strong.  Because I make the decisions that can adjust my destiny.  Because I can.

I'm learning...still...

Wow.  That was an unplanned break.  So the last time I posted anything was the end of June.  I went the whole summer without posting.  Geez.

It's been a busy summer and fall (so far).  Lots of things going on, and hopefully I'll get to them over the next few weeks.  I'm being optimistic and positive here.  :)

I've been working on losing weight for four years now.  At the lowest point of my weight, I had lost 80 lbs (100 from my highest weight).  I currently am about 10 lbs above my lowest, trying to lose again.  I have been on a plateau for about 2 years.  There are many things to learn about yourself when you are trying to lose weight (about 25-30 lbs left to go), and are not making progress on the scale.

One thing to learn is about frustration and how you deal with that kind of stress.  I'm a stress eater, so stressing about my weight causes me to eat.  And then? Rinse and repeat.  How do I deal with that?  So far, I'm still learning how to overcome this.  But, I am glad to have identifiedf that I stress eat.  I go for that comfort that eating brings me (that delicious, rebellious, shameful comfort).  And maybe soon I'll figure out how to identify it as stress eating and deal better with the stress and frustrations without eating my feelings.

I've also learned that life happens.  Vacations happen.  Things change.  The constant is you.  I am determined as hell to lose this weight.  I'm going to keep trying new things to get me to my weight goals.  Even if I gain.  Then I can always try something else.

I've learned about that voice in my head.  The one that is meaner to me than I would be to anyone else.  Except my daughter.  Apparently that mean voice wants to hold my daughter to a standard I can't maintain, and apparently she should be good enough, smart enough, strong enough to be perfect - even if I can't. 

I've learned to stop that voice when it comes to my weight.  I'm learning to accept that physically, it's not all or nothing.  Which is the same with everything in life.  Accept that it's work.  Accept that you can learn.  Accept that you can change.  And just accept yourself.

Plateaus suck.  Use them to your advantage, and try to make lemon bars out of lemons.

My clouded vision....

In my Weight Watchers meeting, the other day, we were asked to think about making vision boards.  Basically, what we envisioned the future to look like, hitting our goals.  So, naturally, being against writing down goals, I skipped the next meeting so that I wouldn't have to build a vision board.  I probably shouldn't have skipped the meeting, but, I was at a loss.

I'm not sure what I want to happen.  I'm not sure I can envision hitting my weight loss goal.  I can't foresee what I will look like (really - that much different than today?).  I've been thinking about this, and letting it play in my mind.  Some of the things that I've come up with are:

1. Less tummy rolls when I sit.  I can wear a fitted shirt, but I see the rolls in pictures, in store windows.  I feel the uncomfortableness when I sit and have to pull the waist of my jeans up and over my rolls, at least so some of them can be hidden.  I see the belly in the jeans when I look down when I'm reading.  If I make it to my weight loss goals, will that be gone?  Or just smaller?

2. I overeat.  A lot.  Especially when I'm at home all week, with a small child that is not sleeping at night and is going through Tylenol/Advil withdrawal.  When things are happening beyond my control.  When the food is just nearby.  When I sit on the couch to read.  My body says it's full, but my mind sees this as a challenge.  How much can we eat?  So, if I hit my weight loss goals, does this mean that I will have learned how to stop over eating?  Will I stop craving chips?  Will I stop thinking about food as much as men think about sex?

3.  Then, there are the after effects of eating too much.  If I hit my weight loss goal, and I overeat, will I still feel the shame of overeating?  Will I ever get over the shame I feel for the way I eat?  Or the shame I feel for the way I look?  I'm not perfect, why do I feel like I have to look perfect?  Why do I look on my daughter with shame, like the way that she looks is a reflection of my poor parenting?  Do other mother's feel the same shame?  When your kids ask you to eat pretzels, or popcorn, ice cream, doughnuts, do you immediately tell them no?  Do you emphasize that these are treats and shouldn't be eaten all the time?  Do you let yourself have treats - without shame?

4. I hear people talking about how you won't be happy when your skinny, if you're not happy now.  Weight loss won't make you happy.  But, will it make me more confident?  I've lost 80 lbs, and I feel no more confident now than I did before.  If anything, I feel less confident.  Maybe because I'm closer to my goal now, so that when I see that I'm not there yet (store windows, mirrors, pictures), it's more of a blow to my self-image than it was before I got to where I am now.  Will I just find something else to obsess about?  Gray hairs? Wrinkles? 

I guess I'm still working through what I would put in my vision board. It looks like I have some questions to answer.  Maybe in finding these answers, I can find my vision.

Lapinskas Happenings....

It's been a busy few months for us.  I thought I'd share some pictures, and some stories of what has been going on.

Olivia turned 11!!  We attempted to do a cupcake tour the day after her birthday.  The day was cold (I'm talking 40's), rainy, and we had to go to Chicago.  We made it there, but our tour guide did not.  So, we went to one of the bakeries to warm up and figure out what to do.  We ended up going to see a movie, and then out to dinner.  

Thankfully, we were able to reschedule, and went yesterday.  It was a BEAUTIFUL day and our tour guide showed up and we all got totally hopped up on sugar.  Then, once the tour was over, we walked to the zoo.  We roamed the zoo for awhile, then met up with Derrick to have dinner.  Did I mention that Jory was with us for the tour and most of the day?  Hanging with both of their uncles is one my girls' favorite things.  We spent a whole lot of time walking in the city and came home with cake balls from the first bakery.  It was a great day!

Thanks to the tomato and pepper plants that Mia brought home from Girl Scouts, we built a garden!  The plants needed a new home out of pots, so we built ourselves a garden today.  In addition to the tomatoes and peppers, we've got strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, and many hot peppers for Tony.

Mia got her tonsils out (as you may know), and she's been very dependent on her Tylenol and Advil.  We are pushing her to not take any more, and are paying with our sleep since she likes to FLIP OUT at night and then no one sleeps (except Mia, during the day).  It's awesome.  BUT - since we've been able to be together all week, we got some fabulous park pictures.

We also had the last day of school, last day of soccer, some wicked storms and a dance recital. 

We also welcomed a new member to the family, Olivia's kitten Charlie (Barley).  Olivia picked him out and was her birthday present.

Tonsils....

Before getting in the car and heading to the hospital.  Mia was apparently being attacked by my hair.

Tony and I were in the waiting room.  Anxiously, but not anxiously.  Tense, but not tense.  Waiting to hear when Mia would be out of surgery.  I was reading a book, Tony watching a movie on his phone.

The doctor surprised us.  It couldn't have been 30 minutes from when we sat down in the waiting room.  And the doctor was in front of us.  Mia was fine.  She did great.  Her tonsils were out.  Her adenoids were enlarged as well.  They were covering 80% of her nose.  They had been taken out as well.  Did we have any questions?

No.  No questions.  I had to fight back tears though.  I was relieved.  The surgery was over and we could go back in and see her in a few minutes.  The adenoids and tonsils were out.  Which means that my little would be able to breathe, normally, for the first time in her life.

Excited!

I remember when she was first born and I worried about her breathing.  Every little sniffle, every place we went, every snore.  Every time she stopped breathing.  Sleep apnea in a baby is not fun for the mom.  I have been worrying about this kids' breathing since she was teeny.  

So, yeah, relieved is how I felt.

Rockin' her surgery gown.

I went in to see her as she was coming out from under the anesthetic.  She was crying and out of it.  I was asked to lay down with her on her bed, and I happily obliged.  As she calmed down, she fell asleep.  I listened to her breathe.  Freely, no snoring, no stopping of breath.

Relief.

Mia took this picture, while we were waiting.

She did so great too.  At the hospital, making the nurses smile, asking about what flavor of Popsicles would be available after the surgery.  Laughing and waving her arms as she got a 'ride' (when they wheeled the bed down the hallway).  She was even excited that I got to 'ride' too, after the surgery.

Afterwards, heading out, with her red popsicle mouth.

She's doing well.  She's eating today, much more than she has been eating.  She's taking her ibuprofen and acetaminophen when she needs them.  But, she's also sleeping.  Talking clearer than ever.  And breathing.

Cards from her daycare/summer camp.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that....

I miss you guys.  

Seriously.

I MISS YOU.

I've been overwhelmed lately.  So.Much.To.Do.

It's spring time (obviously) and school is winding down and we've had swim lessons, soccer, dance, girl scouts, vacation planning, dentist appointments, doctor appointments, vet appointments, dog grooming, normal errands and we made it to the library.

Sporting the full spaniel 'fro on the way to get clipped.

The library is my Mecca.  When I walk into the library, hear the quiet, smell the books, I'm in my favorite place.  I love the library.  We've been trying to get there at least every 3 weeks so that we can turn in finished books and check out new ones. 

So yeah.  Not writing so much, but reading a whole lot.

What have we been doing?  Well, we found a graveyard.  An old poor farm graveyard.  Stones with no names, just numbers.

We've been working on the house.  The playroom is no longer.  It is now in transition to be an office.  We've run electricity to the ceiling and put in a light fixture as well as having sanded and filled all the holes.  The trim is off.  The primer is ready.  This summer ya'll.  It'll be finished this summer.

In conjunction, we've also been shopping/pricing new floors.  We have to replace the carpet in the office and really in the whole house.  We've talked about re-carpeting, putting in hardwood, or ceramic tile.  We're still getting estimates.  But, hopefully, this summer we'll have new carpeting.

My Home Depot Helpers

We've put up screen doors.  We've been in our house for 8+ years, and now have a screen door on the garage entrance and ordered a storm/screen door for the front entrance (today!).

We had Kindergarten Mother's Day Tea.  Mia and I got to spend some time together, just her and I.

We've been slowly de-cluttering the house and stocking up Goodwill.

Mia is playing soccer, her first season.  I think she likes it.

Mia is Orange #6

We've been hanging out, bike riding, eating ice cream, enjoying the weather when we can.

I hope you are having a good spring too!