THAT mom....

Oh my goodness!  These kids are DRIVING ME BATSH*T CRAZY!!!!

I have one that wants to eat all bad foods under the sun.  She wants crackers, and chips, and carbs galore.  Unless, of course, I make said carbs.  Then, she won't touch it.  Pancakes?  Did Mom make them?  Then, no.  Cookies?  Did Mom make them?  Then, no.  Cake?  Did Mom make it?  Then, no.

The other - not really better.  She just refuses to eat almost anything except fruit snacks, hot dogs, and goldfish crackers.  Cheetos?  Yum.  Mom made turkey burger? NO.  Cheese stick? YES.  Mom made hot dogs for dinner?  NO.  Seriously.  I made her favorite food for dinner last week, she didn't touch it.

Every night, every morning, every meal is a fight with these two.  Why do I do it?  Does it make me happy to yell at them?  No, not really.  Maybe sometimes I get some small satisfaction from making them cry (usually at the point that my frustration level saw it's limit diminishing from the rear view mirror).  Is it just the eating?  No.  I could make a huge list of the things that I fight with Olivia about, hair brushing, showering, eating, TV, but I won't.  Here's just one example that pushes me to my limit.

After arguing about bed time, she read to her sister like the good big sister she is.  Then, she was jealous that the cat was in Mia's room.  She went to grab him, when I told her to stop.  The poor cat is man-handled enough from her.  Then, I noticed the way the cat was acting - like he hadn't been fed.  But, I had asked told her to feed the cats when we were downstairs.  Now, she hadn't fed them.  I told her again to feed the cats.  "But, I'm tired."  Too bad.  She looks down to the dark downstairs.  "But it's dark."  Turn on a light.  "How?"

I'm not kidding.  How do you not want to scream at that?  This is the kind of thing she does to frustrate me, and it usually works.  Every time I learn how to control myself and get around her stubbornness, she finds a new way to press that button in me.  Some days (like tonight) I felt that control go and could not grab it back and it just ruined my night.  I am so tired of fighting with them.  I want to be the fun mom.  The mom that they love to be around, that they want to talk to, but I feel like I push them away at the same time.

I could have asked her to feed the cats instead of tell her.  I could sit with Mia to make her eat instead of yell.  For some reason, while I know I can do these things, I just don't.  I am the mean mom.  I am the crazy mom that harps on every little thing.  I am not the mom that I want to be.  I think some days, maybe some day soon, I'll actually start writing down all the things about the mom I want to be.  The home I want to live in with my family.  Maybe then, I can teach myself to be that mom.