It's the third day in a row that I have faced husband-less. He's out of town, and should be back tomorrow. As is typical to this rude change of my routine, I am now freakin' out. On top of him being gone, we just got back from our very long vacation about 8 days ago. Oh, and my brother came to visit over the weekend, and is back again.
My schedule, my routine, is not my routine. There are steps to change, all the experts say. You accept, you grieve, you deny, etc. Right now, I'm railing and pissy about this change. "Is it really a change?" I can hear you asking. "Am I being a drama queen?"
Well, yeah. You wanna know why? It's MY routine that has been disrupted. It's MY workouts that have been dropped with no one home to watch the kids. It's MY issue that there is no one who will eat the food I cook and it's MY issue that I don't want to cook it. It's MY issue that this affects MY weight loss. And, yeah, he left me some double-stuff Oreo's on top of all that.
My head is in a tizzy right now. I know he will be back tomorrow. I know that I can start getting my fat ass back into gear again when he is back. I know that at that point I will start to feel good about myself again.
But.....
We are not there yet. So now, with too little activity in my body, sitting in pajama pants and overheating because the windows are open to let in what meager cooling air will come in, and there's a light on inside so I will keep my pants on and not flash my unders at the neighbors because I am not that girl AND I will not turn on the AC because I've had about enough of that this summer. I am in my head. Thinking. Brooding. Worrying. Planning. Brooding.
I'm wondering if I will still obsess about my weight in a year or two, when I finally get to my goal. Will I ever be able to fully embrace Olivia and let her be chunky? Will I not over-analyze every choice she makes, wanting to make it for her? How do I stop this? How do I stop looking at her with a critical eye?
I want so much for her. I want her to be resilient emotionally. I want her to be beautiful and to feel some of the power that comes with that. I want her to feel beautiful. I want her to feel confident in her own skin - knowing how smart, wonderful, caring and well-liked that she is. I want her to stay out of her own head.
Can you hear me? I want to deny how much she is like me. I want her to be able to reign in her emotions. I want her to love unconditionally.
How can I show her all that I've learned so that she doesn't have to learn the same lessons that I did?
Joining up:
Joining up:
That's a tough one. Right now it seems that you have so much going on that it's like an emotional typhoon in your head!
ReplyDeleteI get your body issue stuff...I have the same problem. And one of my daughters struggles with the weight issue, too. Right now, she seems pretty oblivious and I try REALLY hard to be positive and talk about healthy choices and keep her moving...but, sometimes, I feel so panicked about her weight.(And I feel guilty because I'm the one she inherited her genes from.) And I feel bad because her older sister takes after my husband and has no weight issues at all. And I worry about my almost 8 month old baby girl...b/c it looks like she will probably be shaped more like me as well:(
Michelle
http://normalchaosforamultitaskmom.blogspot.com/2012/08/lost-and-found-and-fun.html
Right there with you - my youngest is thin, can eat what she wants. It's really hard trying to explain to one that certain things are treats, while the other seems to get what she wants. Ahhhh....
DeleteI know the feeling. I finally start exercising and feel like it is making a difference and then my life is disrupted and I get off track. Hope you get back in your routine again.
ReplyDeleteThanks - I wish you the same!
DeleteSo hard. I think our kids learn the most from our actions. And sometimes, I know I'm doing the wrong things but don't know how to stop.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can teach our kids how to forgive themselves when they do something wrong.
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