Emotional Walls and Pumpkin Patches....

I read something yesterday that the things that make you angriest about other people are really the things that you dislike the most about yourself.  This quote struck me as I have been thinking the same thing about my kid.

See, my Olivia is just like me.  So much like me that she gets on my nerves like you wouldn't believe!  There are many facets of my personality that I have had to work hard to overcome or change.  I changed them because I didn't like the results.  I didn't like feeling hurt, ashamed, made fun of, less important.

  I had an extremely emotional childhood/adolescence.  Everything would seem overwhelming to me, and then, I would cry uncontrollably.  When I was frustrated, I would cry uncontrollably.  When I was angry, I would cry uncontrollably.  Guess what happened when you would put all of that together?  I look back on that time of my life and feel bad for that girl, and for all the people that had to be around her.  You'd think that going through all of this would give me some understanding when this happens to Olivia.  While I have some understanding, I can't stand to listen to her cry for no reason.  To emotionally overload herself when she just needs to learn to get past those emotions and look at things logically.  I really wish this didn't make me angry with her, but many times, this makes me turn away from her.  I haven't figured out how to guide her through this time, and for the most part, I want to run away from her as fast as I can when she gets this emotional.  It drags on me, her tantrums make my ears bleed, having to yell over her to get her attention literally scrapes my throat raw.

The biggest problem with this is that it makes our relationship awkward.  I never really know what is going to set off her emotional roller coaster.  I don't walk on egg shells around her because I think that would never teach her that this is not acceptable behavior.  But, having this anger towards these outbursts, and how they make me feel out of control and helpless to help her has pulled me away from her.  I've built my own emotional distance to help me deal with this on an emotional level, but that distance has manifested in other parts of my relationship with her.

The problem is that I don't know how to fix it.  For my whole life, when things have gotten too hurtful, to risky to my self-esteem or emotional balance, I pull away.  It's a self-preservation tool that I have gotten really good at using and now, I'm worried that I'm doing it to my child.  My child that I truly adore, and love with all my heart, even when I don't like her much.

How do you tear down a wall you didn't even realize you had built?
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On another, less emotional note, we made a trip to the pumpkin patch over the weekend!
We didn't get pumpkins at the pumpkin patch, but we were cold, even the hot chocolate and coffee couldn't warm us, almost got rained on, and definitely ran back to the warmth of our car when we could no longer take it.

Tony and I took a couple's selfie, after discussing how awesome it is to have slightly older children.  We were able to stand by ourselves, and trust our kids to play nicely and not make us chase them, while we got to chat and drink coffee and take this silly picture.  And, I need to teach Tony about photo angles and how much more flattering a picture can be.

We had some attitude to deal with (check Mia's face in some of these pics), but had a good time.  The sun came out sometimes, but mostly it was cloudy, no chance of meatballs though.  Mia adored riding the hay ride so she could stare at the horses.  Olivia was happy to chase after Mia, pet the animals, and try to get us to buy them popcorn.

Into my own little world...

Yes, hello, again.  I've been away.  And I'm sorry I've left you without nuggets of my craziness, and kept them all to myself.  Trust me, my kids and husband are dying for me to share with you again.  :0)

No really, I missed you.  I missed writing. But, I've been feeling overwhelmed.  Have you ever been so overwhelmed you almost didn't notice you were overwhelmed?  I mean, maybe it's become my norm, and instead of freaking out, I've crawled inside myself.  I've been reading like a madwoman, which is a refuge for me - a love, an addiction, something to do other than to think about all the things that need to get done.

I've been feeling overwhelmed mostly at home, and out of sync because instead of being overwhelmed at work, there has been time to do things.  But, I've been super lonely at work.  My old team, the people that sit near me, my friends, are doing a "remote pilot".  This means that they work from home, everyday for two months.  For me, this means that I sit by myself, looking out my window, listening to my headphones, looking forward to trips to the bathroom because at least I might have a conversation with someone.

As a result of all of this, I've crawled into myself, built my little crazy blanket fort of loneliness around myself, grabbed my book and my iPod and pulled away.

I noticed yesterday exactly how much I had pulled away, and noticing that, made me also notice how much stuff needs to get done that I haven't been doing - at work, at home, everywhere.  But now, where to start?  When to start?

Thankfully, someone suggested I send them pictures of my kids today, making me peruse the trove of pictures that I haven't yet shared - so first thing to do - upload my pictures and share them with you.

We've been busy this past few weeks.  Tony and I celebrated an 11th wedding anniversary.  I got a haircut (not pictured), and we took the girls for coffee cupcakes at Panera.

We joined family for their Octoberfest, in which the girls' cousin Hannah danced.  We got some great pictures of the girls altogether.

We had a big 5th birthday for Miss Mia, celebrating with Chuck E Cheese.

Tony's been upset with Mia's fashion sense.  I'm just taking pictures so that I can wear these outfits when I pick her up from High School functions, or when we all go to the grocery store together when she's a teen.

And, we've been getting some extra snuggle time.  And snuggle time is good.

My Grandma is 29....

When I was little, and I'd ask my Grandma how old she was, she'd always tell me "29".  This is how I learned that women don't always want you to know their age.

My Grandma's birthday is today.  In my mind, she's still 29.  Although, with a 35 year old grand-daughter, this is quite the accomplishment.

My Grandma is one of my special people.  She is one of the people that crosses my mind on a daily basis.  When I received the text this morning reminding me that it was Grandma's birthday and that I should call her, it was like a guilt-dagger to the heart.  I really mean to call my grandparents more often, but I am a terrible grand-daughter.  It's gotten to the point that I use my phone for Facebooking and texting, and not for talking.  But, that really is no excuse.  I need to make more time for my family, and to talk on the phone.  I need to work that into my schedule.

But... I digress.

It's Grandma's birthday today, a day to celebrate this special woman.  My Grandma is the feisty-est, funnest, most opinionated woman I know.  She gets her blood roiling in political debates, or towards you if you try to tell yourself (or her) that there is something in life that you can't do. I love to visit with her, because I have a blast with her.  Talking to her, hanging out with her, hearing her stories, I absolutely L.O.V.E it.  I had the funnest time going through her house last summer, seeing the "things" that she has, and she would tell me the history of all of these "things" from a table, to paintings, to a family tree, to family heirloom dishes.  I had such an amazing time with her, and that was so special to me.

My Grandma has influenced my life in many ways, but I would say one of the most important things that she has taught me was to value myself.  She has taught me that women are special.  Sisters, daughters, mothers, aunts, friends, women are amazing.  She taught me that I was important, that life was what I made of it, and to value myself and to make sure other people value me.  She is now and has been for quite some time a proponent of women's rights.  Rights to work, rights to decisions about our bodies, rights that some of us may forget are hard-won rights.

My Grandma has also shown me that being a mom is hard.  She wrote me a letter a year or so ago, after a post on the blog about my struggles with motherhood.  In this letter, she described a scene for me, where she was alone with 3 small girls, the littlest (my mom), in her first year.  She was describing how she was out on her back porch, crying into her coffee one early morning, because the washer had broken, my grandpa was states away for work for a few weeks, she had no car and was all alone and overwhelmed.  Thinking of this, picturing it, helps me to understand that motherhood is hard, womanhood is hard.  But I'm not the only one that has ever gotten overwhelmed.

My Grandma also has a great laugh.  A great sense of humor.  She has such a love of life, of getting out there, doing everything she can.  Embracing her friends, her family, her life.  I adore my Grandma and hope that one day, I'll be as wonderful of a Grandma as she is.

Happy Birthday, Grandma!  I love you!

P.s. Tony just told me that you are awesome, Grandma! :)