Another year older...

Nope, it's not my birthday.  It's just the New Year.

I don't get serious often.  I live life for fun.  To me, life needs to be fun.  I try to make everything fun, for me, for my kids, for my husband.  I try to find the funny in everyday life.

Today, my internal mental world was rocked just a bit.

I woke up this morning with a bit of an epiphany.

We're getting older.

Yeah, I know, that's no surprise.

However, it hit me this morning in an emotional way.

My kids are growing up.

What are they going to remember about this time in their lives?

What are they learning from me?

Am I too mean?

Do they like to be around me?

Do I pay enough attention to them?

What will they remember about me?

Do they understand just how much I love them?

Will they ever?

On top of all of that, I start to worry about the rest of my family.  I'm pretty sure that I had two awkward phone call endings on Christmas.  One with my mom and one with my dad.  I feel like I should have been more attentive, more talkative, less ready to be off the phone.

It begins to occur to me that my parents are just as awkward and insecure as I am.  Do they love me the same way I love my kids?  Will my girls be as awkward with us when they get older?  How can I prevent this and keep them comfortable being with us and talking to us?

Then, I also think about the family I didn't talk to on Christmas.  I start to think how time is moving along.  Just because I continue to feel like I'm 16, doesn't mean that time isn't marching on.  We've been in our house for five years.  We still do not have a patio or deck.  There are so many things I want to do, but we are waiting to have the money for these things.  How much more time do I have to wait?

Inevitably, this thinking all brings me back to the new year.  For some reason, my reflections come at this time of the year.  What have I learned?  I'm older, am I wiser?  What will I do different next year?  Was this year as good as I could make it?

Let me tell you something.  2011 was a damn good year.  2012, you gonna be good too.

My resolution(s)?

1. To talk to my family more.  My family is very important to me, and I want my family to know that.

2. Be nicer to my kids.  It's ok to say yes.  And I need to be more patient.

3. To enjoy my husband.  He is one of the greatest people I've ever known.  He needs to know how much I cherish him.

In case I don't talk to you again before NYE, please have a Happy and Safe New Year!  I will see you in 2012!