Body Image Thoughts...

I have been freaking out lately.  I'm stuck at a plateau in my weight loss.  I had almost hit 70 lbs off - I only had .8 more pounds to go.  Then, Easter hit.  I OD'd on ham, and gained 5 lbs.  Somehow, I gained 5 lbs over the course of about 2 days.  My friends cite sodium, water retention, etc.

I don't know.  I'm still not able to lose that weight.  I've only been to one meeting over the past few weeks.  I'm not ashamed of myself or how I've been eating.  I'm pissed off at the other people there that are losing and celebrating that.  That's right!  Yes, on some level I'm happy for them.  But on a much closer level, I'm jealous.  I'm angry that it's not me.  I'm angry that I'm not figuring out why I can't seem to lose this weight.  I'm angry that I am working out quite a bit but somehow am not able to get over this hump.

This is stressing me out.  I'm not sleeping real well.  I'm constantly worrying about what I am going to eat and when.  Did I get enough vegetables? Water? etc.  Then you add to other things that are stressing me out, and I'm about ready to give up.

No.  Not give up on weight loss.  I'm too flippin' close to my goal.  I'm about 40 lbs away.  That's it.  I want it gone.  However, I am ready to give up on everything else.  Just crawl into a corner until I can figure things out.

And, I figured out something.  I don't feel good about myself right now.  Normally, I feel good about myself.  I enjoy making myself look pretty.  I like to have good hair days.  I like to feel like I look good, to take some measure of pleasure from my appearance.  But you know what?  My thighs are still too big.  My legs in general are big.  And, my belly?  And that lovely after-pregnancy-plus-I-weigh-too-much overhang?  What the hell am I going to do about that?  I have a muffin top in my workout clothes.  This is ridiculous.  I've lost close to 70 lbs, and I still am fighting belly/thigh/upper arm issues.

Will I ever feel like I look good enough?  When my friends talk about how they feel about their bodies, I generally try to make them feel better.  But now, I worry about them too.  Is this really how they see themselves?  How come I can see them as the beautiful, smart, strong women they are?  How come I love the difference in their bodies versus mine?  I'm so jealous of some of the things they hate about themselves.  But truly, if they see themselves they way that they talk about (my booty's too big, my legs are too big, I look like I'm pregnant, my arms flab all over) and I can't convince them of how I see them, is there any chance that I will truly be happy with my body?  Will I continue to complain and talk about how I look?  Or someday, when I'm down to my goal weight (and I WILL BE), will I be happy with the way I look?  Will I be able to look back and see the girl I was, and the girl I am now and be proud of the changes that I wrought in this body?