This year...

It's been a month since I last wrote anything here.  I am going to try to write more, if I can this next year.  It's been a busy year.

I went to San Francisco for Dreamforce, which was AWESOME!  I got to see/do/learn a whole lot.  I also got to see the Killers and the Foo Fighters in concert.  It was such a great time!

I won an award at work and got to go to Fort Lauderdale to accept said award!  In November!  We came back to snow in Chicago.

We got new carpet.

We finished making over the playroom to an office - MY office to be exact.

I earned a promotion at work.

My grandfather passed away.  I may talk more about this later.  We'll see.

We went to Disney.

We got a new kitten, to add to our family.

Charlie's first Christmas.  He's not quite sure what is going on.

It's been a banner year, 2015.

So, here's to 2016.  To healthy, happy family.  To new beginnings, and friendships.  

Happy early New Year to you all!

Mia, lost in her new Kindle.

Jojo says "Merry Christmas!"

All tuckered out.

"Oh? Did you want this present?"

Because I can...

Staying at home has been more stressful than anticipated.  Not that my kids are too crazy (although, they are a bit nuts), or that I've set myself up to do too much (I have been doing a lot), but it's the food that stresses me out.  Seriously.  

I love food.  Food is my favorite.  But, it makes my jeans tighter.  It makes my muffin top fluffier.  It comforts me and stresses me out all in one.  It makes me question my willpower.  It makes me question my determination.  It makes me give up on myself.

I have a good routine when I am working.  I have a good routine when I am on vacation.  But, put me at home for a week, with holidays built around eating, and I lose it.  I lose my drive to exercise.  I'm tired.  I overeat.  I can't relax.  I beat myself up for all of my choices.

I want to sit, and binge watch NCIS.  And also to not feel bad about that decision.

I want to eat only when I'm hungry.  I want to make good choices about the food that is in my mouth. But, one bad decision can send me on a spiral of bad decisions.

I have tools to help me with these decisions, good and bad.  I am able to stop and track my food.  I can exercise while watching NCIS (thank you Netflix and a treadmill).  I can move the food to the bottom shelves of the fridge, so I don't eat them first.  I can distract myself from eating by losing myself in other tasks.  I can write about what is actually stressing me out.

The holidays stress me out.  Family.  Shopping.  Cooking.  Working. Activities.  Animals.  Projects.  All that have a non-moveable deadline.

And, the weather has changed.  I'm inside more.  It's cold outside.  It's raining or snowing or cloudy or foggy.  The sun is out when it's even colder.  I gain weight every year between January and April.  For some reason, these are the worst months for me.  

I have a tool.  I am aware.  I can work on this.  I can make better decisions.  I can stop feeling victimized by food and stress.  I can make the decision to not feel bad about the decisions I make.  I can sit and enjoy some binge watching and eat a salad or an apple.  I can run or walk on the treadmill, or use one of the many exercise videos I have.  I can take the dog for a walk - even when it's cold because being outdoors everyday will make me happy.

Today is a new day.  I will feel better about myself today.  I will move the leftovers from Thanksgiving to the dark bottom shelf of the fridge.  I will move the ice cream to the back bottom of the freezer.  I will throw away the store bought cookies.  I will write down a plan for food today and stick to it.  And I will distract myself with cleaning and re-organizing kitchen cabinets.  I will find a way to exercise today.  And I will go outside in the cold and rain and walk the dog.

Because I am strong.  Because I make the decisions that can adjust my destiny.  Because I can.

I'm learning...still...

Wow.  That was an unplanned break.  So the last time I posted anything was the end of June.  I went the whole summer without posting.  Geez.

It's been a busy summer and fall (so far).  Lots of things going on, and hopefully I'll get to them over the next few weeks.  I'm being optimistic and positive here.  :)

I've been working on losing weight for four years now.  At the lowest point of my weight, I had lost 80 lbs (100 from my highest weight).  I currently am about 10 lbs above my lowest, trying to lose again.  I have been on a plateau for about 2 years.  There are many things to learn about yourself when you are trying to lose weight (about 25-30 lbs left to go), and are not making progress on the scale.

One thing to learn is about frustration and how you deal with that kind of stress.  I'm a stress eater, so stressing about my weight causes me to eat.  And then? Rinse and repeat.  How do I deal with that?  So far, I'm still learning how to overcome this.  But, I am glad to have identifiedf that I stress eat.  I go for that comfort that eating brings me (that delicious, rebellious, shameful comfort).  And maybe soon I'll figure out how to identify it as stress eating and deal better with the stress and frustrations without eating my feelings.

I've also learned that life happens.  Vacations happen.  Things change.  The constant is you.  I am determined as hell to lose this weight.  I'm going to keep trying new things to get me to my weight goals.  Even if I gain.  Then I can always try something else.

I've learned about that voice in my head.  The one that is meaner to me than I would be to anyone else.  Except my daughter.  Apparently that mean voice wants to hold my daughter to a standard I can't maintain, and apparently she should be good enough, smart enough, strong enough to be perfect - even if I can't. 

I've learned to stop that voice when it comes to my weight.  I'm learning to accept that physically, it's not all or nothing.  Which is the same with everything in life.  Accept that it's work.  Accept that you can learn.  Accept that you can change.  And just accept yourself.

Plateaus suck.  Use them to your advantage, and try to make lemon bars out of lemons.