Quiet...

It may be the time of the year.  The time when the leaves change colors.  Your shorts go back into hiding.  The days get shorter.  The sleeves get longer.  The layers get thicker.

I've been quiet lately.  Quiet internally.  Quiet externally.  Quiet on the "inter-webs" as a co-worker would say.

I've been contemplating.  Thinking.  A week ago, internally, I was a riot.  I literally thought that my head might explode if my mind would not shut off.

But, my mind has slowed down.  I am not overwhelmed by my thoughts, by my feelings, by anger, by depression.

I am happy, to an extent.  I am making changes.  Looking to get past some things that have been holding me back.  Looking forward to changes that are overdue.  Changes that could change life.

What things have I been thinking about?  Important things like, what I want to do when I grow up.  I want to have a career, but I don't know what I want that career to be.  Also, what are some new dreams?  Many of my dreams have come to fruition.  What are my new dreams?  Or, is it my new dream to help others achieve their dreams?  To help them through transitions?

I've been thinking about less important things, such as the possibility of taking a vacation - alone. 
Doing something I've always wanted to do, going somewhere I've always wanted to go.  But doing it without kids, without a husband, selfishly, for me. 

Even contemplating what it means that we are here, with intermingled lives.  How we impact each other.  How we don't.  What is the meaning of us living?  How do you make your mark?

If you've missed me, that's where I am.  Inside.  Introverting.  Thinking.  Preparing.  Hopefully, I'll be back soon.  Blogging.  Telling you all about it on Facebook, on Twitter.  Picturing it on Instagram, or Pinning it on Pinterest.

Soon.

My modern family....

I've been watching some of my favorite shows lately, as has many many of you out there.  Two of my faves are Parenthood (seriously? this show is like crack to me), and Modern Family.

This got me to thinking about family.  Have you ever felt more connected to a TV family than to your own?

Have you ever thought, why don't they write a TV show about a family that doesn't talk to each other?  Maybe one where the kids grow up and want to have a family bond like they see from other families, but don't really know how?  Maybe one where the young parent strives to create a family bond, but can't seem to stop pushing their kids away?

Oh yeah - that probably wouldn't sell.

Do these TV families really exist?  Yes, I think so.  If not, is this just a dream-land?  Yes, parts are definitely contrived, but there are families out there that are just as close, right?  Ones where the parents have set that strong tie to their children.  Families that make it a point to speak to each other, hang out with each other, talk, listen, be there for each other?

This is the kind of family I want.

I want my girls to grow up and stay close to me.  I want to be there for them, through good times, and bad times.  I want to be a part of their lives - for the rest of their lives.  I want to experience the joy of grand kids, and watch as my kids struggle to figure things out.

I'm just not sure that I know how.  I'm not sure that I can have this family bond.

I feel like I push my kids away.  Sometimes, I do the same thing with my husband.  Sometimes, I just want to dump my kids on him, and run screaming away from my life.  These kids get on my nerves.  No matter what I say to them, they don't listen.  It's so frustrating repeating myself, or watching them make mistakes, even though I can help, they refuse it.  Honestly?  They are just as hard-headed as I am.

So, how do I do this?  How do I get that TV Family?  How do I nurture kids that want to stay near me, if not physically, at least emotionally?  Do I just reign in my frustrations?  Do I actually run screaming away?  How do I not scar them for life and ruin any relationship I might have in the future?

I want that TV Family - I just don't know if I am working toward it or against it.

Halfway there....

This has been a quick month or so with a few celebrations for my family.  We had the big 10 year wedding anniversary.  The little turned 4 last week.  And this weekend, I hit my 50.

50 what?

50 POUNDS LOST!!!

(whoo-WHOO!!!!)

That's right, ya'll!  I have been doing Weight Watchers for a little over a year, and I have officially hit my 50.  I am really proud of myself - selfishly or not, I haven't felt this good in awhile!

And, because I'm feeling good, here are some things that I can do now, that I couldn't last year:

1.  I can cross my legs, comfortably, left over right.  I am working to train my right to go over my left.  But, I can cross my legs.

2. It doesn't take my breath away to climb stairs.  And, I don't dread it - I actually make the extra trips as opposed to begging Tony to do it.

3.  I raced Olivia up the stairs tonight, holding Mia, while Olivia tried to tug on my shirt.  And I won.  I didn't give up, or put Mia down.

4.  I don't have to eat all the food.  It doesn't call to me like it used to. "Tara - you know I'm here, and you aren't full, so just come eat some cheese, crackers, brownies, cookies, more ham and anything else you want."  Now, I can grab something, walk away and not constantly be thinking about what was left.

5. I can have one bite of dessert, enjoy it, and not need to have more.  It feels good to be more in control of my eating.

6.  I can wear skirts. I have decent legs and I can show them off.  I'm even going to buy real boots this winter - hopefully with some heal!

7.  I can shop at the stores I like again.  I am not forced to only shop online!

8. I can walk for 4 miles - and do it in close to an hour.  Oh YEAH!

9.  I can make healthy dinner for my family, or even not so healthy.  But, I plan it, and point it and know what I am going to eat.

10.  I can feel sexy again.  It's somewhat nice to catch guys looking again.  Especially, my husband.

I rewarded myself with a new Coach purse that I purchased in July.  I wouldn't let it be used until I hit my 50.  Now, it's out and I'm so excited to be using my 50 lbs purse.  Do you want to know what I am going to reward myself with when I hit my goal?  Yeah?  Tony has agreed to carry me over the threshold when I hit my goal. To really welcome me to my new, thinner life.

And, just for kicks, here's my before shot, and what I will now call, my half-way to goal shot:

Before (c.2010)

Halfway