January 21

To quote Ice Cube, "Today was a good day."

Today, my oldest and I got up early, left the house, stopped to get (awesome) donuts and coffee and dropped ourselves off at the train station.  It was foggy, but not too chilly.  We were some of the first people to get to the train station.

As the fog began to clear and the sun to come out, more and more women joined us on the platform waiting for a train.  Women wearing pink hats and carrying posters.  Men carrying posters.  Women wearing "Nasty Women" shirts.  We were heading to Chicago to march.

When we got to Chicago, I was amazed at our luck.  We had beautiful Chicago weather (60 degrees and sunny!).  We got to the rally site and stood and tried to hear the speakers as we watched the crowds swell for over an hour.  We found my brother and fiancé, just as the march began.  

There were so many of us and we heard that we were no longer heading down Jackson, so we headed down Congress.  We cheered with people on the El as they saw us in the streets.  We chanted with the people in the buildings who were also waving signs at us.  We chanted in the streets for choice over our own bodies, LGBTQ rights, immigrant rights, black lives matter and against Trump.

It was amazing.

I have been feeling anxious and scared since the election.  I haven't been sleeping as I wake up almost every night between 1 and 3 am and am so overwhelmed with what is going on in this country and the changes to our way of life that we are being threatened with, that I can't fall back to sleep.

Today, though.  Today I saw that we are not alone, I am not alone.  I am not the only person terrified that our way of life is threatened.  I am not the only person willing to fight for what is morally right.  Today, I was part of history.

Today was the best day I've had since the election.  Today, I regained my optimism.  I overcame my social anxiety and upped my own ante to take my daughter with me.  We marched, we held signs, we chanted, we laughed.  I've never felt so much solidarity and peace in a large crowd.  People helped each other out.  A woman's sign broke, and a man jumped right in with duct tape and fixed it.  Something was dropped?  Three people stopped to pick it up.  There was no jostling, angry elbows or words.  Just people being kind to one another, people showing what peace, kindness and the human spirit can be.

Today was a good day.

This is the sign that my youngest made, and I carried.

My oldest made this sign and carried it at the march/rally.

Here....

Wow.  I literally posted 3 times in 2016.  THREE TIMES!

I'm honestly amazed that I could still log in, and that my blog was still here.

It's 2017 now.  It was a bit of a tumultuous 2016.  I'm not going to go on about how it sucked or anything because there were good times and bad, plain and simple.  2016 was, and not it is not.

And I wanted to talk about something.  As you know, I have been working on my weight loss for some time.  I've been a Weight Watcher for a little over 5 years now.  I haven't reached my goal yet, which is my own fault.

I read something recently that a man incentivized himself to give him a better reason to hit his weight loss goals.  This struck home for me because the only thing that I have to look forward to is continued watching what I eat, exercising, decisions, etc.  I mean, it's a different lifestyle and it's really not anything I can imagine too well, let alone, use it to push me toward my goals.

So, I made a list. I made a list of all the things I want, whether they are things, activities, self help, I listed them.  I then used that list to turn into an incentive program for my weight loss.  To help me work hard to reach my weight loss goal.

The list of what I want is mostly as follows:

I want to travel - to Europe and new places in general.

I want to feel healthy.

I want to volunteer.

I want to stand up for rights.

I want to be involved.

I want to be the best mom possible.

I want to hang out with my husband and have date nights.

I want to be around extended family more.

I want to feel less overwhelmed.

I want to fix up my house.

I want to feel like I am making a difference.

I want to take more pictures - good pictures.

I want to write again (ahem).

I want to feel valued.

I want to hit goal at WW.

I want to feel pretty and strong - confident.

I want to find a therapist.

This is many wants, and I don't have enough goals to use all of these.  And really, I don't need to wait until I hit certain goals to volunteer, see family, feel less overwhelmed.  Some of these are going to drive out goal lists of their own.

However, I did take some of these and turn them into incentives for myself:

By the end of 2017,  I want to weigh between 145 and 150 pounds.

I want to hit 145 pounds so that I can officially say that I have lost 100 pounds.

By July 29, if I weight between 145 and 150, I will reward myself by planning a European (Ireland, Scotland, England) Vacation.

If I lose 1/2 a pound or more per week, I will take $10 and put it aside for myself - for use however and whenever I like.

If I lose 5 pounds a month, I will take my husband on a date night.

If I have lost and can maintain 145 to 150 pounds by the end of the year, I will get another tattoo.

Do you have ways that you incentivize or motivate yourself to accomplishments?

Seventeen Again...

HOLEEE SHIIT, you guys.  You GUYS!!  I haven't posted anything...ANYTHING...since January.

JANUARY!!!

Ok, so I knew it had been a long time, but holy crap-oly, I didn't think it had been almost .75 of a year!

Wow.

Just.  Wow.

Okay, so, I'm a terrible friend.  Even with my blog.  Like, I don't call.  I don't text.  I don't email.  And apparently, I don't write either.

Hey!  Hey you there!  Talk to me!

It's been a bit of an odd year for me.  I have been on a weight loss journey for almost 5 years now, but in 2016 have gained about 5-10 lbs that I can't seem to get rid of.  I've been a little stressed at work.  It's been quite topsy-turvy there, so yeah, there's that.  My oldest daughter is almost a teen, like a real, true, omg teen.  We're going through shaving and phones and hanging out with friends.  At the mall.  The little one is growing up too, finding her voice, even through her continuous mouth gear.  And Tony has been a bit stressed too.  Then there is also the whole election thing and everything else that is going on with this country.

There have been good things, great things too!  We went to Seattle and I took the girls to Kansas for Spring Break.  Mia is going to be a flower girl.  ANNNDD, we built a deck (finally)! 

All this to say that I have been feeling a little, uh, different lately? Not different so much as, maybe, reminiscent of another time? I've been feeling like I'm going through my second seventeen.  Does that make sense?  No?  

When I was seventeen was the first time I started to gain some confidence in myself.  I started to trust myself.  I started driving and gained freedoms.  I explored different ways to express myself.  And, it was a big election year (when I turned 18) too.  I was figuring out who I was, what was important to me, and how to express that.

Super Mario fun

Now, I have more confidence than I think I've even had.  I feel more beautiful today than I ever did before.  I trust my decisions, and am not apologizing for who I am.  I am finding my voice, again.  Or retrying it on for size.  My kids are getting older and are leaving me alone, so I am finding time do things like read, or watch tv, or play on the computer and catch up on news.  I am finding my political voice again.  I am finding that I have views, and opinions and beliefs and I am feeling like I can and should express them - at times.

New Tattoo

I am a feminist.  To the core.  I am thoroughly enjoying how people are turning views on their heads, and making my mind widen.  I want to see and understand peoples points of views, but not falter in my own.  I'm finding that not only am I able to do that, I can listen to what is being said and really have discussions with them.

I am loving being seventeen again.  I feel good about myself and am learning to accept myself.

I can accept myself, but not licks from the dog.

January...

"The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation"

...baby, I am so not the queen.

This morning, I woke up to serious winter in Chicago.  The wind was rattling around the house, gusting, trying to infiltrate our warm little home.  It was still dark, as the nights are long and the days are short.  Getting up to brush my teeth, I had to find the socks that I had shucked off in the night.  After socking up my feet, I shuffled to my slippers over my soft carpet.  I made my way to the bathroom, where it seems about ten degrees colder.  I grabbed my big warm full length red robe, tied it on.  

Heading downstairs quietly, in the dark to let the dog out and start the coffee.  I turned on one lamp, for soft light in the morning dark.  As I settled, slippered, robed, under a blanket on my couch to read in the quiet before the family loudly got up, I thought that the only thing that could make this better would have been a roaring fire to warm up my little nest.

As the sun came up today, I could see that it would be cold.  In the winter, here, when the sun shines, it's always colder than when we have clouds.  We got an inch or so of snow yesterday, fresh powder to be whipped around by the wind.  The houses slept quietly in my neighborhood, steam coming from roof vents as their furnaces kicked on.

The sun gleamed today on the newly fallen snow, showing us the tracks of rabbit visitors in the night to our little garden in the front yard.  We had a few more flurries, but a brilliantly sunny (bitterly cold) day today.

This is January in Chicago.

January in Chicago means a number of things.  Flannel sheets on your beds, along with those extra blankets.  Slippers, socks, robes and blankets litter your living room along with bedrooms and bathrooms.  A hot shower has never felt so good in your life.  The dog is wearing a sweater, and you are wearing layers of undershirts, long underwear and more, attempting to keep your body heat close to your body.  January means salt on your car, shovels at the ready in the garage, preparations for much longer commutes and hopping back in your car while you fill it with gas.

January is full of long cold nights and short cloudy days.  Wind chills that drop into double digit negatives and you learn quickly that lake effect snow is something you are happy affects Indiana.  January means potholes and black ice.  It means ear muffs, gloves and hats.  It means being home bound so much more than you ever thought possible.  January is the sad time when you see the Christmas lights hanging listlessly from houses, no longer to be turned on, waiting until April when it is safe to remove them from the roof.

There are good things about January in Chicago.  When the sun does come out, you have never seen more clear, frigidly beautiful sunrises and sunsets.  You get to snuggle with your loved ones, and  catch up on the TV you don't watch when it's warm.  You find more time to be thankful of your family, and can find more time to share in home bound activities such as baking, coloring, gaming and reading.  Watching the beauty of a snow storm while sipping hot coffee or hot cocoa from the inside, knowing you have nowhere to go.

There is beauty in January in Chicago.  Sometimes, you just have to look a little harder, or turn your head and let it surprise you.

Working on me...

I've been working on myself this past year, and there are some things I am continuing to work on.

I am working on losing weight.  I am working on the many mental aspects of losing weight.  Negativity towards my tracker, jealousy of people that hit their weight loss goals, anger and frustration at the scale, at plateauing.  Weight Watchers recently changed their point system.  Which caused me to start to tailspin backwards through all of these feelings.  So, I gave myself a break.  I gave myself a vacation.  And you know what?  I gained a whopping 1.6 lbs over the holidays.  Not 10 or 15 pounds.  I'm over the moon!  I'm using this positivity to attack the new system and get it working for me.

I'm working on me time.  I'm working on taking pictures again.  I'm working on not being depressed from January through March this year.  I purchased a camera cleaning kit and have tried to use my DSLR camera again (pictures below).  My subjects are generally animals since they can't tell me not to take their picture.

Charlie Reflection

This is how JoJo rolls while I work

I'm working on staying positive through these winter months.  I have a tendency to get depressed and hang out on my couch.  And eat.  And gain weight.  I heard from someone in medical school that one way to combat this seasonal depression is to turn on all the lights and bombard yourself with brightness.  So, I purchased a couple of extra lamps and have been enjoying the light in my house.

Got a Kindle for Christmas.  This is my new view

I'm also reading.  I've just started Harry Potter again.  I read the entire series over the summer, and have just finished all the movies.  I'm reading the books again to savor them and to prepare to say goodbye to the characters.  I devoured the books so quickly this summer, that I am excited to slowly wade through the series again.

I call this one, "Deep Cat Thoughts"

I'm also trying to blog/write more.  This is a consistent goal of mine, and I am trying to learn from the past and to attempt one post a week.  As my children are growing up, and I'm less inclined to talk about them, you may start to get my opinions a little more.  Or not.  We'll see.

OMG!  SHE LET ME TAKE HER PICTURE!

In my Weight Watchers group, my leader once said to work on what comes easy to you when you start to spiral or make bad decisions.  For me, easy is exercise (hard is watching what I eat).  I am attempting to stay active.  Running is happening once to twice a week, but walking is happening most other days.  I am trying to get 10,000 steps a day (although my Fitbit crapped out on me this week - waiting on a replacement).  This is one of the best me times I have, whether indoors or outdoors, I can be alone with my thoughts or catching up on TV I don't get to watch otherwise.

Breakfast smiles

Working on me includes "Me Time", lights, smiles, writing and pictures.  What will you be working on this year?

The man say, "Coffee.  Good."

Cuddly kid pics

This year...

It's been a month since I last wrote anything here.  I am going to try to write more, if I can this next year.  It's been a busy year.

I went to San Francisco for Dreamforce, which was AWESOME!  I got to see/do/learn a whole lot.  I also got to see the Killers and the Foo Fighters in concert.  It was such a great time!

I won an award at work and got to go to Fort Lauderdale to accept said award!  In November!  We came back to snow in Chicago.

We got new carpet.

We finished making over the playroom to an office - MY office to be exact.

I earned a promotion at work.

My grandfather passed away.  I may talk more about this later.  We'll see.

We went to Disney.

We got a new kitten, to add to our family.

Charlie's first Christmas.  He's not quite sure what is going on.

It's been a banner year, 2015.

So, here's to 2016.  To healthy, happy family.  To new beginnings, and friendships.  

Happy early New Year to you all!

Mia, lost in her new Kindle.

Jojo says "Merry Christmas!"

All tuckered out.

"Oh? Did you want this present?"

Because I can...

Staying at home has been more stressful than anticipated.  Not that my kids are too crazy (although, they are a bit nuts), or that I've set myself up to do too much (I have been doing a lot), but it's the food that stresses me out.  Seriously.  

I love food.  Food is my favorite.  But, it makes my jeans tighter.  It makes my muffin top fluffier.  It comforts me and stresses me out all in one.  It makes me question my willpower.  It makes me question my determination.  It makes me give up on myself.

I have a good routine when I am working.  I have a good routine when I am on vacation.  But, put me at home for a week, with holidays built around eating, and I lose it.  I lose my drive to exercise.  I'm tired.  I overeat.  I can't relax.  I beat myself up for all of my choices.

I want to sit, and binge watch NCIS.  And also to not feel bad about that decision.

I want to eat only when I'm hungry.  I want to make good choices about the food that is in my mouth. But, one bad decision can send me on a spiral of bad decisions.

I have tools to help me with these decisions, good and bad.  I am able to stop and track my food.  I can exercise while watching NCIS (thank you Netflix and a treadmill).  I can move the food to the bottom shelves of the fridge, so I don't eat them first.  I can distract myself from eating by losing myself in other tasks.  I can write about what is actually stressing me out.

The holidays stress me out.  Family.  Shopping.  Cooking.  Working. Activities.  Animals.  Projects.  All that have a non-moveable deadline.

And, the weather has changed.  I'm inside more.  It's cold outside.  It's raining or snowing or cloudy or foggy.  The sun is out when it's even colder.  I gain weight every year between January and April.  For some reason, these are the worst months for me.  

I have a tool.  I am aware.  I can work on this.  I can make better decisions.  I can stop feeling victimized by food and stress.  I can make the decision to not feel bad about the decisions I make.  I can sit and enjoy some binge watching and eat a salad or an apple.  I can run or walk on the treadmill, or use one of the many exercise videos I have.  I can take the dog for a walk - even when it's cold because being outdoors everyday will make me happy.

Today is a new day.  I will feel better about myself today.  I will move the leftovers from Thanksgiving to the dark bottom shelf of the fridge.  I will move the ice cream to the back bottom of the freezer.  I will throw away the store bought cookies.  I will write down a plan for food today and stick to it.  And I will distract myself with cleaning and re-organizing kitchen cabinets.  I will find a way to exercise today.  And I will go outside in the cold and rain and walk the dog.

Because I am strong.  Because I make the decisions that can adjust my destiny.  Because I can.

I'm learning...still...

Wow.  That was an unplanned break.  So the last time I posted anything was the end of June.  I went the whole summer without posting.  Geez.

It's been a busy summer and fall (so far).  Lots of things going on, and hopefully I'll get to them over the next few weeks.  I'm being optimistic and positive here.  :)

I've been working on losing weight for four years now.  At the lowest point of my weight, I had lost 80 lbs (100 from my highest weight).  I currently am about 10 lbs above my lowest, trying to lose again.  I have been on a plateau for about 2 years.  There are many things to learn about yourself when you are trying to lose weight (about 25-30 lbs left to go), and are not making progress on the scale.

One thing to learn is about frustration and how you deal with that kind of stress.  I'm a stress eater, so stressing about my weight causes me to eat.  And then? Rinse and repeat.  How do I deal with that?  So far, I'm still learning how to overcome this.  But, I am glad to have identifiedf that I stress eat.  I go for that comfort that eating brings me (that delicious, rebellious, shameful comfort).  And maybe soon I'll figure out how to identify it as stress eating and deal better with the stress and frustrations without eating my feelings.

I've also learned that life happens.  Vacations happen.  Things change.  The constant is you.  I am determined as hell to lose this weight.  I'm going to keep trying new things to get me to my weight goals.  Even if I gain.  Then I can always try something else.

I've learned about that voice in my head.  The one that is meaner to me than I would be to anyone else.  Except my daughter.  Apparently that mean voice wants to hold my daughter to a standard I can't maintain, and apparently she should be good enough, smart enough, strong enough to be perfect - even if I can't. 

I've learned to stop that voice when it comes to my weight.  I'm learning to accept that physically, it's not all or nothing.  Which is the same with everything in life.  Accept that it's work.  Accept that you can learn.  Accept that you can change.  And just accept yourself.

Plateaus suck.  Use them to your advantage, and try to make lemon bars out of lemons.

My clouded vision....

In my Weight Watchers meeting, the other day, we were asked to think about making vision boards.  Basically, what we envisioned the future to look like, hitting our goals.  So, naturally, being against writing down goals, I skipped the next meeting so that I wouldn't have to build a vision board.  I probably shouldn't have skipped the meeting, but, I was at a loss.

I'm not sure what I want to happen.  I'm not sure I can envision hitting my weight loss goal.  I can't foresee what I will look like (really - that much different than today?).  I've been thinking about this, and letting it play in my mind.  Some of the things that I've come up with are:

1. Less tummy rolls when I sit.  I can wear a fitted shirt, but I see the rolls in pictures, in store windows.  I feel the uncomfortableness when I sit and have to pull the waist of my jeans up and over my rolls, at least so some of them can be hidden.  I see the belly in the jeans when I look down when I'm reading.  If I make it to my weight loss goals, will that be gone?  Or just smaller?

2. I overeat.  A lot.  Especially when I'm at home all week, with a small child that is not sleeping at night and is going through Tylenol/Advil withdrawal.  When things are happening beyond my control.  When the food is just nearby.  When I sit on the couch to read.  My body says it's full, but my mind sees this as a challenge.  How much can we eat?  So, if I hit my weight loss goals, does this mean that I will have learned how to stop over eating?  Will I stop craving chips?  Will I stop thinking about food as much as men think about sex?

3.  Then, there are the after effects of eating too much.  If I hit my weight loss goal, and I overeat, will I still feel the shame of overeating?  Will I ever get over the shame I feel for the way I eat?  Or the shame I feel for the way I look?  I'm not perfect, why do I feel like I have to look perfect?  Why do I look on my daughter with shame, like the way that she looks is a reflection of my poor parenting?  Do other mother's feel the same shame?  When your kids ask you to eat pretzels, or popcorn, ice cream, doughnuts, do you immediately tell them no?  Do you emphasize that these are treats and shouldn't be eaten all the time?  Do you let yourself have treats - without shame?

4. I hear people talking about how you won't be happy when your skinny, if you're not happy now.  Weight loss won't make you happy.  But, will it make me more confident?  I've lost 80 lbs, and I feel no more confident now than I did before.  If anything, I feel less confident.  Maybe because I'm closer to my goal now, so that when I see that I'm not there yet (store windows, mirrors, pictures), it's more of a blow to my self-image than it was before I got to where I am now.  Will I just find something else to obsess about?  Gray hairs? Wrinkles? 

I guess I'm still working through what I would put in my vision board. It looks like I have some questions to answer.  Maybe in finding these answers, I can find my vision.

Lapinskas Happenings....

It's been a busy few months for us.  I thought I'd share some pictures, and some stories of what has been going on.

Olivia turned 11!!  We attempted to do a cupcake tour the day after her birthday.  The day was cold (I'm talking 40's), rainy, and we had to go to Chicago.  We made it there, but our tour guide did not.  So, we went to one of the bakeries to warm up and figure out what to do.  We ended up going to see a movie, and then out to dinner.  

Thankfully, we were able to reschedule, and went yesterday.  It was a BEAUTIFUL day and our tour guide showed up and we all got totally hopped up on sugar.  Then, once the tour was over, we walked to the zoo.  We roamed the zoo for awhile, then met up with Derrick to have dinner.  Did I mention that Jory was with us for the tour and most of the day?  Hanging with both of their uncles is one my girls' favorite things.  We spent a whole lot of time walking in the city and came home with cake balls from the first bakery.  It was a great day!

Thanks to the tomato and pepper plants that Mia brought home from Girl Scouts, we built a garden!  The plants needed a new home out of pots, so we built ourselves a garden today.  In addition to the tomatoes and peppers, we've got strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, and many hot peppers for Tony.

Mia got her tonsils out (as you may know), and she's been very dependent on her Tylenol and Advil.  We are pushing her to not take any more, and are paying with our sleep since she likes to FLIP OUT at night and then no one sleeps (except Mia, during the day).  It's awesome.  BUT - since we've been able to be together all week, we got some fabulous park pictures.

We also had the last day of school, last day of soccer, some wicked storms and a dance recital. 

We also welcomed a new member to the family, Olivia's kitten Charlie (Barley).  Olivia picked him out and was her birthday present.

Tonsils....

Before getting in the car and heading to the hospital.  Mia was apparently being attacked by my hair.

Tony and I were in the waiting room.  Anxiously, but not anxiously.  Tense, but not tense.  Waiting to hear when Mia would be out of surgery.  I was reading a book, Tony watching a movie on his phone.

The doctor surprised us.  It couldn't have been 30 minutes from when we sat down in the waiting room.  And the doctor was in front of us.  Mia was fine.  She did great.  Her tonsils were out.  Her adenoids were enlarged as well.  They were covering 80% of her nose.  They had been taken out as well.  Did we have any questions?

No.  No questions.  I had to fight back tears though.  I was relieved.  The surgery was over and we could go back in and see her in a few minutes.  The adenoids and tonsils were out.  Which means that my little would be able to breathe, normally, for the first time in her life.

Excited!

I remember when she was first born and I worried about her breathing.  Every little sniffle, every place we went, every snore.  Every time she stopped breathing.  Sleep apnea in a baby is not fun for the mom.  I have been worrying about this kids' breathing since she was teeny.  

So, yeah, relieved is how I felt.

Rockin' her surgery gown.

I went in to see her as she was coming out from under the anesthetic.  She was crying and out of it.  I was asked to lay down with her on her bed, and I happily obliged.  As she calmed down, she fell asleep.  I listened to her breathe.  Freely, no snoring, no stopping of breath.

Relief.

Mia took this picture, while we were waiting.

She did so great too.  At the hospital, making the nurses smile, asking about what flavor of Popsicles would be available after the surgery.  Laughing and waving her arms as she got a 'ride' (when they wheeled the bed down the hallway).  She was even excited that I got to 'ride' too, after the surgery.

Afterwards, heading out, with her red popsicle mouth.

She's doing well.  She's eating today, much more than she has been eating.  She's taking her ibuprofen and acetaminophen when she needs them.  But, she's also sleeping.  Talking clearer than ever.  And breathing.

Cards from her daycare/summer camp.