Square Pegs....

This was a busy weekend for me.  It started on Friday morning - early.  I got my little out of bed, tossed her in the back of the car, through some clothes in there too and embarked on an 11 hour drive to Mississippi.

Mia and I did well, even though my mom had called to warn me the night before of some murders in Mississippi that they thought was a police impersonator that was pulling people over and then killing them.  So, she was like, don't pull over and don't get murdered.  Hmmm...I'll try not to?

Why was I going to Mississippi you ask?  Well, as interested as I am in in the Cotton Gin, it was not to harvest my own cotton.  My little sister was graduating high school!

Cari is the third from the left

Graduating with honors

Congratulations!

Mia and I were very excited that we got to be there.

My little sister is 15 years younger than me.  She was born while I was in high school.  She has lived in Mississippi since she was 9.  She is everything I always wanted to be, in high school, and have strived to become since.

She is confident, yet easy.  Calm and fun.  She knows how to laugh and how to love.  She knows how take care of herself and has learned how to make choices that can be hard for a high schooler.  She is that girl that people like and always make a point to say hi to.  She is athletic, and pretty.  She was also able to grow up with the same people, and graduate with those same people she went to fourth grade with.  I changed schools between freshman and sophomore years.  I was able to be a wall flower, to sit back and try to weather my life without the added drama of friends.  I took the same friends from prior to sophomore year, and these are the friends I still have to this day - at least a few of them.

She makes me think back to my awkward overly emotional high school life.   I was a mess. My emotions were overwhelming to say the least.  I had no confidence, other than in how awesomely awkward I was.  The worst part is that this continues to this day.  I generally feel as if I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  I am not confident in myself or what I say or how I act.  I lack this confidence in my family interactions, with my mom or with my dad or with aunts, uncles, cousins.  I lack this confidence in my work and in my abilities.  I over-think and over-analyze every thing I say or do, every wrong sentiment out of my mouth, every interaction I have.  This awkwardness makes me nervous, which just makes me more anxious about my interactions and communications and abilities.

I have found that I am confident and at ease with my husband, my siblings (somewhat), and certain friends.  Not in groups, not with new people (although I'm learning), not with people I've known my whole life.  Is it weird that I am teaching myself to be myself?  Is it strange that I am teaching myself to give up the analyzation?  Is it odd that I find it's almost like an addiction?  I literally have to tell myself to give it up, to get over it, that in the grand scheme of things, my over-thinking is not going to change things, either people like and understand me or they don't.  Either way, that's their choice.

Here's the kicker.  Olivia is so much like me.  My heart breaks for the thought that she would be so awkward in her school and social life.  That she would be so embarrassed by things she did in middle school, or would be so freaked out by boys that she couldn't see that they are just people to.  And are actually a really good calming influence (the right ones, at least).  I want her to be like my sister and am terrified that she will grow up to be like me.

Linking up with Shell @ Things I Can't Say for PYHO.