What it means to me...

As I sit here in my darkened bedroom, contemplating my evening of fighting/helping my oldest to bathe herself - not playing, but actually bathing and soothing my youngest as mysterious pains in her knees cause her much pain.  After providing relief in the form of ibuprofen, while rocking her in my arms, worried that this is juvenile arthritis and hoping its just growing pains, I sit in my bedroom wondering what this means to me.

I started thinking about this earlier today - what it means to be done with the baby phase.  I really never planned to have two kids, I always wanted three.  I choose, however, to have a life that is good and happy for my little family of four.  I choose to be able to retire at a normal time of life.  I choose to pay for my mortgage and hopefully keep my lovely little home.  I choose to be able to support my kids as they grow older and go to college, get married, and have kids themselves.  This means that I choose not to have a third child.

I would love to have another baby.  I wish that I could not think about the fact that to work a third child into our lifestyle, we would both need bigger cars.  We would need to start all over again with car seats, clothes, diapers, formula, strollers, play pens, blankets, diaper bags.  We would be giving less attention to Olivia, and less to Mia.  We would have less time to ourselves.  We would be giving up going out, and giving gifts, and visiting family.  We would strap ourselves down for even more payments to child care.

I wish I could forget about all this, throw it out the window, and fulfill my hearts desire that there really is another member of this family waiting to join us.  But....I can't.  These are the hard choices that we make as adults, as parents, as dreamers.

This choice means something to me.  It means that I will never again get to have a baby all to myself.  I will never again get to be the person that baby runs to when they are hurt.  I will not get to be that special person that makes a baby smile as they get up in the morning, or be the person to comfort them as they try to sleep at night.  I will get to be an aunt (I hope), and a grandmother (I hope), but, and this is a HUGE but, I will not get to be a babies' mom again.

I always thought that I would know, before the last baby was born, that this baby would be my last.  That's not how it happened for me.  I thought Mia would be my number two, on the way to three.  But, Mia will be my last baby.  Not that there is anything medically wrong, by the way, this is the choice we have made.  The choice we feel is right for our family.

Being a mom is the best and most fun thing I've done in my life - through the crying nights, and worries about sick kids, through the accomplishments of growing up.  But saying goodbye to dreams, and wishes, and plans from a younger time is just one of the harder parts of growing up in my own right.

Linking up with Shell for PYHO.