Building confident daughters, or trying to at least....

It's funny how life works.  I've agreed to do a guest post at one of my fave bloggers' blog.  So, in doing so, I've been thinking of topics to write about.  Thankfully, I'm not scheduled until July, so I have a little more time.  

One of the topics I was thinking about was how I used to think it would be so easy to raise an overweight child.  That I would be able to do everything right.  I was pre-writing this, testing it out in my head while Olivia's dance class was previewing their dance for the parents tonight.

After the dance class, one of the mom's came up to me and said that when she was watching the dance, and her daughter is paired up with Olivia, that she kept thinking that Olivia could totally take her daughter.  Because Olivia is so big and her daughter is so little.

Ouchtown, Bro.  Population me, and hopefully not Olivia.  Hopefully, she didn't really think anything of this.  I could see her looking at us, but I couldn't read her face.  Did she hear?

Yes, Olivia is a big girl.  She's tall and she's got a belly, and face it Tara, she's overweight.  There really is no way to sugar coat that.  She towers over this other girl, is probably about the size of 2.5 of this other girl.  Why are they paired up in dance?  Most likely because they are equally uncoordinated.

So, how do I deal with my daughter being overweight?  It's not about what that mother said.  She didn't mean it in a bad way, it wasn't malicious.  I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and going to say that what she said sounded better in her head than it did when it came out of her mouth.

Honestly?  It breaks my heart.  Not because I don't think that my daughter is beautiful, or smart, talented, funny, sensitive, inquisitive and exceptional.  It breaks my heart because I don't want her to feel that about herself.  I don't want "fat" to define her - not in her own head, not anywhere.  

I grew up feeling defined by fat.  It wasn't about celebrating what I could do, but that there was always something about myself that needed fixing.  I was too heavy, I shouldn't eat that, I should go outside and play - don't just sit and read, I had a such a pretty face.

My daughter is on the brink of puberty.  She's begun that awkward ascent out of little kid-hood, into big kid-hood.  She likes to play at the park, but wants to hang out with her friends.  She wants to watch big kid TV, but will chill with her sister watching Disney movies.  She's beginning to find her way toward her next step in growing up. So, what do I do?

I refuse to belittle her.  I speak to her honestly.  She knows she needs to lose some weight.  She's heard it from her doctor, and she's heard it from me.  But, I've also told her exactly how much she might need to lose - about 15 lbs.  She is so interested in exercising with me that I took her on a 4.25 mile walk this past weekend.  She.Did.It.All!  She was slow, but she's only 9 (almost), and it's not like I was fast the first time I did it, at 34!  I'm so proud that she finished our walk!  And she was proud of herself, too! 

I also talk to her about the food that she puts in her lunches.  She's started putting more fruit in her lunch, and sometimes I can finagle some carrots in there too.  She is interested in what she eats, and is asking me questions at home and in the grocery store.  And, when she asks for dessert, she will accept that I tell her no, if I explain that she can have fruit because veggies didn't happen to make it into dinner tonight (sandwiches on dance night).  She's happy with that fruit.

Right now, my beautiful oldest brunette daughter needs to find those things that she excels at, so that she can define herself by her accomplishments - and the things that make her feel exceptional.  Not by the hurtful things that other people can say - maliciously or not.  And it's my job to give her the opportunities to try new challenges, and hopefully, with a little luck, find where her talent lies.

 My gorgeous Mini!